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Me: Your dating profile said you’re looking for a girl who knows how to have fun.
Him: Yes! *winks*
Me: [starts taking kittens out of purse]
Date a person who doesn’t use drugs so they won’t use yours.
17 year old me: *catches Bret Michaels’ sweaty bandana and stuffs it in my mouth*
Todays me: *carries hand sanitizer because of door knobs*
[trying to buy pants]
Clerk: Sir you need pants to shop here.
My boss says I intimidate the other employees, so I just stared at him until he apologized
Many people that appear “cool” actually struggle with feelings of inadequacy. Not me. I have those feelings without appearing cool at all.
I thought you all should know that there’s a guy who just does VR drunk driving all day
Two days in a row someone has tried using my Apple Card to buy flowers. Buddy, walk over to your neighbors garden and steal some roses like a real man. The world has gone soft.
I don’t get the concept of Beach House Hunters. You don’t have to hunt a house. Especially on the beach. It has nowhere to hide
I don’t think “House” was the right name for that Hugh Laurie show. Based on what I saw, it should have been called “Hospital”
13: Mom I love Spanish class and guess what!
Me: What?
13: I’m already fluent… un, deux, trois.
Me:
13: Oh wait, that’s French.
Damn, my printer is needy af. Always asking for more paper or more ink. I give and give and then it tells me it doesn’t think we have a connection.
[senses date is losing interest in me]
“my uncle was the guy who did the rap in Red Red Wine”
Can’t afford a deep tissue massage? Try sleeping with a toddler
Kanye West builds a time machine so he can interrupt himself interrupting Taylor Swift.
Films and television have led me to believe that masquerade balls have a higher mortality rate than most wars.
That water trick was miraculous, but let’s see Jesus try walking on Legos.
I’m not saying I’m mad at you, but I hope someone breaks into your house tonight, toasts all your bread and then puts it all back in the bag
It’s funny how fast small children lose interest in what you have to say when they find out you’re a paleontologist who isn’t an expert in dinosaurs. I’m showing you a mammoth arm bone, I don’t know what more you want from me!
DM: hi I’m Emily and I live in your area 💋
Me: big whoop Emily I live here too
“but you said you were right around the corner.” Let me stop you right there. I never said what corner
I’d heard there was a secret chord
To charge my phone, and I need it, Lord
But you don’t know where it’s hiding right now, do you?
I feel forsaken –
The fourth, the fifth chords in the house are taken,
The baffled dad complaining…Hallelujah
Hell yeah, I found it, Hallelujah
I hate commas its not my job to tell you when you breathe work it out youre a grown adult
I’m delusional but self aware, I call that Delaware.
*secretly fills your birthday piñata with hornets*
We live in a world where cartoons & other misc fictitious characters have their own Wikipedia pages.
But I’m the one that needs meds?
Apparently everyone was too high in the 70’s when Grease came out to notice that every “student” at Rydell High looked like they were 35
decorating my apartment
How to ruin your kids day:
1. See their sock on the floor
2. Ask them to pick up their sock
i watch horror movies on the toilet so i can be scared shitless