馃尡馃尡馃尡
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Ever feel like you have one foot in a canoe and the other on a banana peel?
me: [sets to bed time reminders on my Fitbit to be responsible]
Later that night
Fitbit: time for bed
me: DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO
contractor: I finished installing the secret entrances, death ray, and crocodile moat. all that is left is the payment
super villain: no
contractor: right, should鈥檝e seen that coming
I wasn鈥檛 craving chocolate bunnies until I opened the twitter. Thanks guys, now I have to go buy Easter candy before it鈥檚 on sale.
My wife is mocking me because I declared that going to the grocery store was a date night
Me: I crave your sweetness on my lips
Her: Who are you talking to in there?
M: *stumbles out of pantry with Nutella all over my face* nobody
[ At the ball ]
Prince Charming: are you ok Cinderella?
Cinderella: no, my stomach is upset. I think I need to go to the bathroom.
Prince Charmin: I’ll take it from here, bro
Male writers often compare women to dessert foods. E.g. ‘She had brown chocolate eyes and cherry red lips.’ Whereas, they tend to describe men using savoury foods. E.g. ‘His leg was like a massive baguette.”
ME: [sitting on iphone] europe. europe. EUROPE. europe
[5 hrs later]
ME: ok fine maybe ur right
WIFE: what did you think airplane mode meant
Nothing good can come out of answering your landline.
Stop telling the people you don’t agree with to go to hell or we’re gonna be surrounded by people we don’t like.
I need this dude and coffin dancers and I鈥檓 set!
In gangster movies they “know a guy” for every dirty job, yet I can’t find a single rando to fill in for Tuesday softball
If Popeye ate escargots instead of spinach would he be known as Popeye the snailor man?
#SpinachDay
*dad walks up to me stroking his beard* son, where do we keep the dog treats again? Im hun- *beard falls off revealing my dog. he runs away*
My husband is awesome. He just gave me a bracelet that belonged to his grandmother. What does “Do Not Resuscitate” mean?
My 2yo definitely has a future in the restaurant industry, she always waits until I’ve got a mouthful of food, then asks me a question!
I have a fairly substantial belly for someone who鈥檚 empty inside.
I want a name that can only be written using straight lines, so I’ll be changing my name to Wilx Kivz.
I’d rather go liquor treating.
friend: I have cancer
me: (remembering that laughter is the best medicine) lol
Bit creepy of my maths teacher to put a little kiss after each answer.
[first day in the mob]
*leans over to mafioso* Hey, so, uhh, I’ve always wondered: are they all just named “Don” or…
A woman drives into a bar.
Rude coworker said something very dumb & mean to me.
She blamed it on pregnancy brain.
I asked her if she was having triplets.
A game of cat and mouse, but it’s just me chasing random strangers when I see them with donut boxes.
Tell me a hiccup remedy that works, and why is it holding your breath until you see stars, passing out, waking up in a dark alley in Bangkok where you鈥檙e signing the life of your first born son over to the hiccup gods.
Me: Don鈥檛 make this weird
Brain: Sucks helium and laughs like Woody Woodpecker
me when i know i have to be awake in a couple of hours