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Word of advice.
If you forget to put on deodorant, sneaking into the walk-in freezer at work and holding your shirt up doesn’t solve the problem.
Also that creepy coworker will get even more creepier if you forget to close the door behind you.
i hate it when my ID card is accepted by people, you agree that i look like that horrible picture???
stranger: you’re gunna look stupid with all those tattoos when you’re 80
me: listen pal, everyone looks stupid when they’re 80
Just felt compelled to apologize again for my joke last year about Don Henley having a pet chicken named Hen Donley.
My son asked me where poo came from. I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest answer. He looked perplexed and stared at me for a minute then asked….and tigger???
relationship goals
You: Hold my beer.
Me: *drinks it because I’m not a table*
“Cantaloupe? Or WON’Taloupe?” *SPLAT* Next week on MELON JUSTICE!
Doctor said I need to eat more salad.
Her: Do you want to see Downton Abbey tonight?
Me: Only if John Wick shows up and one of them killed his puppy.
I thought Penelope was pronounced Peen-a-lope until I was in jr high school
i would not return the monkeys, I would simply inexplicably have 43 new ugly little children
the one awesome thing about being a dad in this economy is that after I die, I’ll only have to work for a couple more years then I can retire
[I remove my bike helmet, but my toupee comes off with it]
“I’m sorry guys, is there something funny about safety?”
I come from a long line of ancestors. My whole family tree is full of ancestors, every single branch. But not me. I decided to make a change. I’m a descendant. Never let the past hold you back.
Last night I went to a fancy dress party dressed as a screwdriver. I turned a few heads.
my 10 yr plan is to wait till I’m 9 yrs 11 mos in & then absolutely slay
“You’re attachment is too large,” my computer tells me.
I blush. “My eyes are up here,” I respond coyly.
[Girl’s night out]
Girl 1: Omg I haven’t had sex in so long, I swear I have cobwebs down there
Spider-Man’s GF: *nervous laugh* HAHA SAME
[Bleeding out from a polar bear attack]
Me: *Choking on my own blood* I loved you in those Coke commercials.
*walking down street with friend*
Well, this is me.
*jumps in front of bus*
There’s a reason the iPhone autocorrects “Yolo” to “tool.”
Im not trying to brag or anything, but I just got invited to play Candy Crush on FB
I don’t really hate you, it’s just that if you were on fire, I’d roast marshmallows..
They said no texting while driving but they never said anything about glassblowing
Yes aunty, I do like jello. And, of course, I adore feta . Why did you have to combine them
[Pompeii 79 AD]
me: wow can’t believe I’m finally a homeowner. Nothing could ruin this day.
Priest: do you take this woman
Me: I do
[Liam Neeson glares from the pews]
Me: -not
I like to ask strangers in line at the DMV to guess my weight just so I can see what I can get away with putting on my license.