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Twitter is like Words With Sociopaths.
Most people call me “bad at pickup lines”
But you?
You can call me tonight.
Every full moon my house turns into a storage facility. It’s a werehouse.
Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Don’t even show up to that.
dril cadence
Genie: what is your first wish
Joe: i want to be rich
Genie: granted. and what is your second wish
Rich: i want lots of money
Just getting romantic with the wife when our slow cooker set off our smoke alarm so yes, I was crock blocked.
If you carry a knife in your mouth, people wont ask you what your Valentines Day plans are.
I should probably try harder to find a mail-order-bride before the post office shuts down completely.
My friend called me from a private number last night so I just returned the favor by knocking on his door with a ski mask on.
the best part about being a parent is explaining normal human behaviours to the small feral people, my favourite of which has been “we don’t pee our pants on purpose when we are mad”
One of my favorite parts of grocery shopping is when somebody else does it for me.
ME: This house is haunted
WIFE [sigh] We’ve been thru this, that’s our son
SON: I just have a pale complexion Dad
ME: TELL ME YOU HEARD THAT
Him: I love you so much I want to shout it from the mountaintop
Me: *knows about mountains* Literally no one will hear you up there
Why I update my apps
:-For the new features ❌:-for the notifications to go away✅
7-ELEVEN CUSTOMER: Ew! This slurpee machine is full of weird dirt!
MANAGER: Weird dirt? But that means…
*cut to Dracula flailing around in a coffin filled with blue berry blast*
Enhanced interrogation idea:
If waterboarding isn’t working, try having my mother brush their hair.
“Well maybe they shouldn’t make soap out of animal fat if they didn’t want people to eat it!” I yell from the emergency room, mouth foaming
Tom Cruise turns 60 Sunday. The reason he looks so young is because he donated half his age to Scientology.
About to check Facebook? Let me save you some time. One of your friends has updated their cover photo to a picture of the beach.
phone sales rep: may I speak with the head of the household pls?
me: just a sec, he’s using the litter box
“Finish your peas. Kids in China are starving”
“Finish your math. Kids in America are cheating off the Asian kids”
[bank]
me: this is a stick up!
bank teller: [whispering] turn the gun around
me: what? omg i’m so embarrassed
bank teller: lol first time?
me: is it that obvious?
bank teller: you’re doing great sweetie
Help
Annoys me when I’m typing my reply and someone starts typing like you see those 3 bubbles and I’m just like no excuse me wait your turn thanks
Dance like no one is watching.
Sing like no one is listening. A
Eat salty food like your blood pressure cuff is broken.
Just noticed there’s no comma in “Bed Bath & Beyond” and honestly, a bed bath would solve a lot of my problems.
You can’t force me to watch your ads. YouTube. I will look away and plug my ears
Camping in the mountains is fun. You just have to have a good sleeping bag, a tent that will hold the contents of a small kitchen, good hiking boots, and potable food/water. Oh, and be faster than whoever you’re hiking with in the event of a bear sighting.