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I never understood “spidey sense.” The last 400 spiders I threw a shoe at didn’t see it coming.
The vast majority of spider couples met on the web.
Them: You have a debt to society
Me: Well they can get in line
bags with threatening auras
Everyone compliments the jumpsuit when you wear it out—but when you get to the bathroom it’s just you and your choices
Time traveling humans are always freaked out by culture changes
If a moose time travels it probably just finds a field to frolic in moosily
“Single use consumables are destroying the planet,” I yelled at her as I tossed another condom into the washing machine.
me: my father fought in the war
her: which one?
me: I’ve only got one dad
Bobcat Escapes National Zoo #WhatDoYouThink?
what jerk ever looked at a hamburger and thought “you know what this needs? A nice, soft, warm piece of lettuce.”
“Lets all start wearing weird ’90s mom jeans!” – girls now
My wife is a gluten free vegetarian, if you want to know what life in culinary purgatory is like.
I believe it was Gandhi who said “never create passwords for apps when you’re shitfaced”
My local spa has an oxygen room, which begs the question: what the heck is in all the other rooms?
sonic has been forcefully and unjustly removed from over 100 public pools. that is his walking speed. he wasn’t even running.
Just got another idiot, who now thinks he’s good at karate, to paint my fence and wax my cars. Lol.
*Mr. Miagi on Twitter
Always use your best photos for your profile on FB.
Cause those are the photos the media will use if something horrible happens to you.
My heist companions jump into the car, screaming, “GO! GO!” at me.
I frantically lick sauce off my fingers, trying to pack up my leftover spare ribs…
me: how many trees do you see in this picture?
my toddler: all of them.
Customer: do you sell {item}?
Coworker: oh, yeah but I’m just having a hard time getting it in
Me: *resisting the urge to go nudge, nudge, wink, wink, eh?, phrasing boom, that’s what she said*
“Australia is the smallest planet”
– first day of school already paying off
Just saw a set of sheets online for $1300.
Lemme tell you something…for that kind of money, those sheets better wash themselves, put themselves back on the bed, make my husband stop snoring, remove my eye wrinkles, and give me back the deep, uninterrupted sleep of my youth.
Student: I want a bunny, but my dad says bunnies just die.
Me: So? You’re going to die, and he had you.
2: [looks at old photo]
Papa you have no beard?Me: That was a long time ago, before Papa grew one.
4: [looks at same photo]
This before Mama had one, too?My wife:
Me: [sighs] 4 years. You had a good run, son.
if i say “morning!” to you it does not mean “good morning” i am merely exclaiming in horror that it is morning
Practicing safe sax
Marriage is saying “they’re both the same” while secretly knowing that one bowl of ice cream is slightly better than the other bowl of ice cream
#oldknees
(god creating crows) black. blacker! little beady eyes. deathly squawk
angel: what if there’s a bunch of them
god: MURDER
angel: you ok pal?
the noise i just made
