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we’re gonna need another temp
How is it still this week?
The interview was going great until my puppet started screaming
Me:
3yo:
Me:
3yo:
Me: well?
3yo: the DVD player is not for waffles
Me: the DVD player is NOT FOR WAFFLES
While assembling new desks at my kids’ school this afternoon another dad gave me unsolicited instructions on how to use an allen wrench. I’m not sure if I should be insulted that he thinks I’m an idiot or flattered that he thinks I can afford real furniture.
Husband: Ok, this isn’t funny anymore! Who keeps changing the channel?
Me: I swear it’s not me.
Dog: *sitting on the remote*
[Commercial for commercials]
ever wish it took an hour to watch a 40-minute show?
I have a place for everything. The floor.
My tinder profile says I’m looking for an
[me as a cop]
Me: Mrs Hill?
Woman: yes
Me: it’s Ms Hill now
Woman: huh
Me: ur husbands dead
Woman: h-how?
Me [hand on her shoulder]: he died
How does my kids bathroom always look like a crime scene where someone was murdered with toothpaste
Establish dominance on Halloween by eating your neighbor’s jack-o-lanterns.
I’m gonna hire a person to speak at my funeral and say a bunch of crazy stuff about me so my friends and family think I had a secret life.
The best way to let someone know you hate them is to ask them to be in a wedding
[Jesus at the bar]
“Oh, I’ll just have a water”
*winks at camera*
My ex texted me today to tell me he has not one, but two dates this week. Anyone else have useless information I don’t care about to confess?
Still disappointed that the only hard thing in my bed lately has been my mattress.
Due to personal reasons, I’ll only act surprised by the same information 7 times tops
Just saw a touching BP commercial where BP congratulates BP for doing some of what BP was legally required to do after it wrecked the earth.
My kids have the tuition bills of the children of a much wealthier father.
*forgets Netflix password*
*sends email reset*
*forgets email password*
*sends reset to backup*
20 resets later:
*opens 2nd Netflix account*
#Thanos #MondayMood
Me: I save a bunch of time by not having to tie my shoes.
Her: What do you do with the time saved?
Me: *tying my dogs shoes* Sorry, what?
Brought a ninja to a gunfight and it was really cool. Everyone clapped. Then they shot him.
Wife: He’s your son!
Me: So you say! But I don’t…
*Kid dances across the room to the Benny Hill theme song*
Me: …ok fine he’s my son.
ME: My new contacts are here!
WIFE: Don’t put them all on at once like you did last—
ME: [eyes wide] I CAN SEE YOUR BONES
Today my toddler whipped out the word “narc” so maybe it’s time to revisit the parental controls on our YouTube account
*Stays in interrogation room after being told I’m free to leave anytime*
-Y’all have excellent wifi here. Can I possibly get more coffee?
I knew that psychic wasn’t legit when she let me write a check.