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telling people you’re single:
• “you’ll find someone”
• “have you tried tinder”saying “many have tried to date me and all have failed”:
• mystical
• empowering
• sword-in-the-stone vibes
Rubbing alcohol is not as effective as drinking it.
Lady at the farmers market selling us a hay bale to decorate our yard: just so you know, it’s going to get your car really messy
My 3yo: That’s ok because our car is already really messy
there was a fight tonight in ~hot sculpted yoga tonight bc one girl took another girl’s mat and it ended w the first girl *flicking the other girl’s forehead* after the teacher saying “don’t do it..don’t do it…DON’T DO IT’ and when she did it the whole class collectively gasped
H: Want to go to Lowe’s with me?
M: Can I wear my tiara?
H: I’d rather you not
M: Then no thanks
[husband leaves]
M: *whispers* works every time
I just bought a new pair of sunglasses for whoever finds them in 3 weeks.
DENTIST: Open
*patient opens mouth*
D: Nice! Stay open
*dentist sheds lab coat-he’s a hermit crab.Crawls in mouth*
D: New home sweet home!
Fun fact: Pouring water on a snorer only makes them mad.
“You’re running into trouble requesting something because there’s a late book on your account.”
“See, this is why I don’t like using the library. It takes me time to read things! How long have I had it out?”
“I mean, about seventy-two months. But hey I’m all for pacing yourself.”
cab driver: how was your meal?
wife: it didn’t go down as well as we’d hoped
cab driver: that’s too bad
me: *still choking on a fish bone* why is no one helping me?
Having a kid means knowing when she asks to watch Mr. Handsome, she means The Little Mermaid.
Olympic pairs curling but it’s just me and my Roomba working together to frantically clean the hardwood floors before the wife gets home.
Well, you know when you start cooking something & go to check Twitter real quick?
Fireman: ….
{Twirls hair} Can I try on your fancy hat?
Made a really scary jack-o-lantern this year.
[blind date]
HER: I’d really like to have sextuplets
ME: Oh wow, me too!
HER: Really?
ME: Yeah, but why did you call me “tuplets”?
All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.
Don’t touch the door handles
Don’t touch the light switches
Don’t touch the bedspread
Don’t touch the remote control-me, in this hotel room
Doubt I’ll ever forget this scene 😂
Potatoes are used to make vodka. Also, potatoes are technically vegetables. The point I’m trying to make is, you do a juice cleanse your way, and I’ll do one my way.
*paying $40 to go into a haunted house*
finally a peaceful refuge to get away from how scary the world is right now
Astronauts are cowards, why don’t you stay down here and face earth’s problems like a man
shout “out” to people who stick around too long at your house
buyer: does this van have child locks
me: *sweating* no no i vacuumed it
Have kids so you can spend 2 hours making a nutritious meal and have it be labeled “yucky” by a tiny person whose last meal was boogers.
Everybody mad at me like it’s common knowledge to wait til after the eulogy before you start clapping. Sorry I didn’t go to funeral college.
Me: My wife says I never pay attention
Her: I’m not your wife
Boss – can you pass a piss test?
Me – Sure…distance or accuracy?
*hands a turd to the teacher
Teacher: What’s this?!
Me: My dog ate my homework.
Unless you’re a direct descendent of a horse, don’t chew with your mouth open.