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“You took out 5600 turtles in Mario”
[me looking at god] is that good or bad?
Above the law? I’m 5’3” tall, I’m barely above the counter.
Enough is enough. It is time for Sea World to step up and finally do something about the horrible whale who splashes everyone
Between my education and helping four children with their homework, I’ve studied approximately 27 years of Algebra.
me: can we please find out when we’ll be getting results
my english teacher: may
me: sorry, may we please find out when we’ll be getting results
my english teacher: no i mean the month
I’m guessing whoever said “There’s no point beating a dead horse” has never been in a zombie apocalypse.
The number of decades in your age directly correlates to the days of recovery you need after a night out
Sugar is cheap. I want an avocado daddy.
Was Earth Day something that happened by accident or did somebody planet?
Email translations:
“I was under the impression”
Translation: I’m furious“As per my email”
Translation: I’m furious“With respect”
Translation: I’m furious“Whilst I appreciate”
Translation: I’m furious“As I’m sure you’re aware”
Translation: I’m furious“As previously discussed”
Translation: I’m furious
The Odyssey must have seemed like such a goofy title when it came out. Imagine if someone nowadays wrote a book about a guy named Steve and called it The Stevening and it was taught it every school 1000 years later
“?leef uoy ekam taht did woh dnA”
– reverse psychology
Just called my friend’s office & asked for Gary. The receptionist said “Which Gary?” WHICH GARY?? HOW MANY GARYS YOU GOT? 2 MANY GARYS #GARY
Kid: *falls down*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *runs into table*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *ball hits them in face*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *drops phone*
Me: OMG, did you break it?!
when someone else makes a typo: lmao. you wanna eat lumch? look at this idiot. gonna eat a samdwich for lumch? lumch boy wants his lumch
when i make a typo: hello is this the witness protection program
You known you’ve been on twitter too long when autocorrect will not type ducks.
<- sleeps well with others
Do not, and I can’t stress this enough, drink half a bottle of Irish whiskey and then make the completely rational assumption that you could cut your own hair.
That moment when your 5 year old asks you if your 1 year old can go into the washing machine, and you really hope he isn’t already in there.
Joked to my kid that he ate too many skittles and I wouldn’t buy him any for 10 years, and he responded with, oh so I can’t have them again until you’re 50, and now we’re both mad.
The opposite of a backhanded compliment is a blessing in diss guise.
wife: what did i ask you to do?
me: buy the name-brand repellent
wife: and what did you do?
me: i bought the cheap stuff
wife: you bought the cheap stuff
me: it was half the-
wife: and what do we have now?
me: *sigh* we have elephants
wife: we have elephants
My son had a side hustle of selling King’s Hawaiian slider sandwiches to his dorm mates. And you know kids these days and cash. We were seeing these $3 Venmos going in the account around midnight many weeknights. I had to finally just ask him and then I offered to partner up.
Sorry I missed your call earlier, I was sitting in my bed with my phone in my hand watching it ring
Today I realised that fire engines don’t carry the water in the fire engine with them. Thought fire hydrants were an American thing. Didn’t realise we had them in the UK. I’m 36 and have two first class degrees
Sir, I cannot take you seriously. You’re wearing capris. Capris. CAPRIS.
I just heard that most of the babies recently born in New Zealand take a moment to look around then loudly say, “Ohhh, HELL YEAH!”
Transformers: Human Centipede was a bit disappointing…
⭐☆☆☆☆
Me: Who had two thumbs and just had a bandsaw accident? This guy
Doctor: Which Guy?
If we run out of candy, I’m passing out Taco Bell sauce packets. Don’t worry, they’re mild or I would’ve eaten them by now.