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Yes, lady who took two parking spaces. I’m the reason you can’t get in your car from the drivers side.
Have a nice day 🙂
if there’s anything parenthood taught me it’s that weird ppl have kids too & their kids may become friends w/ ur kids culminating in all around awkward small talk at bday functions
Kissing: first base
Under shirt stuff: second base
Under pants stuff: third base
Taking two to make a thing go right: Rob Bass
sure recipes like “marry me chicken” are cute but where’s the “it’s your turn to clean the bathroom casserole”
Went to my uncle’s funeral today open bar pretty good food but my uncle was dead 3/5 stars
A ceiling fan wont cut a bagel in half, not even on top speed
KID: *falls out of tree* I’m fine
ADULT: *sleeps on neck a little strangely* I have to turn my whole body to look at you for the next week
Welcome to Twitter 2 point Uh oh.
My daughter wrote a poem in school about where’s she’s from and she wrote I come from my siblings and I being called tiny dancers and children of the corn so I’ll just be outside waiting for cps.
The only thing worse than sitting down on a cold toilet seat is sitting down on a warm toilet seat.
i once dated a professional hockey player from Sweden and one night he called me and asked “you up?” so i drove over excited and when i got there he asked me if i could balance his checkbook.
It’s a bird, it’s a plane, it’s a chick that’s gone insane
me: i dont want any kids
person: *low chuckle* oh, you’ll change your mind.
me: *grabs them by collar* tell me more about the future, wizard
HER: what’s with all the finger pointing
ME [sharpening my other pinky]: tradition
I know a couple who’s kids names are Zayden, Izyan and Fender. They just named their new dog Dan.
If I lived in England I would approach my boss on payday and say “pound me.”
Are Millennials Destroying My Wife’s Favorite Lamp I Don’t Know How They Got in Either but I Definitely Wasn’t Practicing Karate in the Living Room so We Know It Wasn’t That
I stopped to tie my shoe at the airport and someone reported me as an unattended bag.
Expect the unexporcupine.
If you’re about to be attacked by a bear, just dress up as a pirate. It won’t help you survive but it’ll make an interesting headline.
The problem with this world is that they just let anyone in.
10yo just came to me, so excited to share about a “new artist” he discovered who sounds “just like Alexander Hamilton.”
Anyways it was Eminem.
How to shape your eyebrows
A thread
You have tattoos and curves?
*unbuttons pants*
You’re also batshit crazy?
*takes off pants*
You listen to Paramore?
*puts on clothes*
Imagine the towering achievements in aquatecture if sawfish & hammerhead sharks ever get their shit together
I don’t wanna brag but I have definitely pet my slippers thinking they were my cat
Confidence is sexy. Arrogance is not.
Zumba instructor: I’m thinking of teaching yoga too.
Me, the current yoga instructor: Namaste in your lane, Chandie.
So last night I had a dream that the guy I’m crushing on was in my house. We napped in separate recliners. Seriously. That was the whole dream. We napped, fully clothed, in separate recliners.
The weirdest part? I walked him out when we were done.
Napping. In separate recliners
This is my emotional support chloroform rag