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suspect: i ain’t talkin
cop: [sharpens knife] we got ways of making people talk [cuts a piece of cake]
suspect: can i have some
cop: cake is for talkers
[at daycare]
Me: I’m here to pick up my son
Daycare: what’s he look like?
Me: *points to my face*
D: oh. Ok
I know we have a lot of problems but never forget that about 100 years ago we suddenly made most horses unemployed and someday soon they will have their revenge.
who exactly are airport shops for? like imagine going oops, forgot to grab a prada bag and a rolex that I totally need for my flight
got kicked out of a funeral for tossing a beach ball into the audience
Why do people wax their surfboards? A hairy surfboard is a natural and beautiful thing.
I was so depressed dat my ATM displayed someone else’s balance to cheer me up
I’ve wasted so much of my life on terrible boyfriends but I’ll never regret the time I’ve spent training my fruit bat Bing to remove all the raisins from my trail mix.
Don’t expect me to tweet between 8 & 9 pm because that’s when I dress like Madonna for an hour and dance provocatively in front of my pets.
If a tree falls on your ex on the woods and no one hears it you should still get rid of the chainsaw.
..Just in case!
me: this glass is too small
bartender: would you prefer a tumbler
me: yes
acrobat: what can I get you
I’m jealous of turtles because if they don’t want to talk to someone, they’re like “Nah, dude, busy in my shell right now. Come back later.”
One advantage of looking creepy is people tend to avoid conversations with you.
“Ninja please” -Japanese people
Me: Remind me of your name again?
Ben: It’s Ben
Me: one week since you looked at me…
Smoking will kill you. Bacon is bad for you.
But smoking bacon will cure it.
Me: oh man, I love the 80s
My grandparents: we have names
we should absolutely get off work for Leap Day. you’re making me clock in on february 29th? a totally made up day? time is an illusion and so is capitalism. i’m going to the park
I often walk through a little park where people walk their dogs. Yesterday I saw somebody walking their tortoise. The funny thing is LA dogs are so small I’m pretty sure that reptile could win in a fight.
My 7yo asked her brother for a hug and it was the sweetest sibling moment, then off to school he went with a slap me sign on his back
[first day as a police sketch artist]
Victim: Why is there a meerkat in the picture?
Me: I used to do this at the zoo
we really living in the the most difficult section of someone’s AP gov exam in 2053
Someone called me an attention seeking whore today. I think.
I had trouble hearing as I was waving my thong in the air during rush hour.
my kid said her friend was ‘absinthe’ from class today and I’m wondering if should inform their parents
I finally figured out the moral of Beauty and the Beast: Sure,Gaston had good looks. But the Beast had shitloads of money.Good choice, Belle
“Our squadron handled the ovoid sports biscuit with great aplomb!”
-British fans of American football
If somebody my age is out past 11 PM they just got off the second shift at work.
My favorite fruit salad is sangria.
‘Pampers’ is a good product name because it implies being able to poop in your disposable underwear is a great luxury
Urgent care waiting room is an oxymoron