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*Getting pulled over*
Me: I knew we should have Uber’d
My dog: *stopping the car* Jus be cool
Me: I’m not interested in this tweet
Twitter: Idgaf
[wedding day of the girl that got away]
any reason why these two shouldn’t be married, speak now or forev[sound of a dirt bike approaching]
I know a horrible idea when I see it.
2/14/16 — The Day I Got Owned Online By 1-800-Flowers
Morning breath so strong I should ask it to help me move into my new apartment this weekend
The most embarrassing thing on my phone is my calculator history
My body is a temple, please leave pizza and tacos at the altar.
[planning heist]
leader: the security guard will take his break from 3:15 to 3:30 so that’s when you will-[notices my disapproving expression] what?
me: that’s when I take my break too tho
Working front desk at Motel 6 wasn’t paying the bills so I started dealing meth to the housekeepers. It was an Inn side job.
A kleptomaniac in a bakery really takes the cake
Him at 1am: Wanna come over?
Me: Sure thing, sexy
-Cut to me crawling out of his TV like that girl in The Ring
You can learn a lot from a woman wielding a knife. For example, your top running speed.
Peter Parker having to juggle a day job with being a superhero in 2023 feels stupid. Just launch a Patreon my man. Throw a PayPal link in that Spider-bio
Son: “Mommy, look, this is how you draw infinity!”
Me: “Yes, sweetie, that’s so smart!”
Son: “It looks like a hiney.”
The year is 2087. We finally have flying cars. Grey’s Anatomy has been on for 82 years.
*Creating bees*
God: Make them highly beneficial to the ecosystem.
Angel: Sure thing, boss.
God: Give ’em the greatest knees of all time
The manual for my motorized wheelchair says “Do not operate while tired. ” I haven’t moved in six years.
If Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you tie enough balloons to your house, you will eventually find a dog.
The first clue I had taken the “eyes on the back of my head” thing too far was when the teacher asked why my kid thinks I’m an alien
Stop staring at my chest! Geez dude, it’s like you’ve never seen toilet paper before!
So Nicolas Cage and John Travolta walk into a bar and the bartender says “hey, why the wrong face?”
[summons genie]
genie: are you finally ready to use your wishes
me: no but while you’re here, kindly pass the remote
genie: [visible anger] you can’t keep doing this, this isn’t how this works
Magician: Is this your card?
Me: Oh my god, it is!
Magician: Well thank you, it’s very thoughtful and heartfelt.
Me: You’re welcome. Happy Birthday.
Me: Dude, back off. You’re totally scaring away all the hot guys checking me out at the gym.
H: You do realize I’m your husband, right?
Capricorn is just regular corn wearing cute little short pants.
First they make you step on the scale, and then they announce your weight out loud. It’s like the assistants at the doctor’s office don’t know anything about women.
After my honeymoon, my ex apparently felt like a new man… and so did I.