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streaming companies forgetting their entire existence is based on being slightly more convenient than piracy
Born again? No thanks. One trip down the birth canal was enough.
The problem with the world today is that intelligent people are too smart to have children.
New parent: So you have been a parent for 4 years. Any insight?
Me: It’s great. Sometimes you want to escape by faking your own death. But I’m sure it’s just a phase.
New parent: Oh, ok. How long does that last?
Me: So far? 4 years.
*Everyone yelling about politics at Thanksgiving dinner*
Me: *taps wine glass* “Quick poll: who wants the last piece of pie before I eat it?”
learn just enough tap dancing just to tap dance out of the room when you win an argument
Bad news – science doesn’t want your body. Looks like your only choice is to put it up on Facebook marketplace
I caught a cute guy salivating and giving me sexy eyes at the restaurant today and I was growling and giving him kissy faces but it turns out he was eyeing the waitress behind me who was bringing out his food and so to save face I dropped to the floor and faked a seizure.
After years of commercials, I still have no idea what a Go Daddy is
“what’s it like having a sister?”
You learn a lot about yourself when you decide to hide cookies from the family.
Me: allow me to be a frank with you
You: ok but don’t you mean ‘be fra-‘
Me: [is suddenly a hotdog]
You: [is suddenly a hotdog]
I know we have a lot of problems but never forget that about 100 years ago we suddenly made most horses unemployed and someday soon they will have their revenge.
People think it’s embarrassing Elvis died taking a shit in the bathroom but it’s way less embarrassing than if he died taking a shit in the kitchen or something
Country rooooads
Let’s-a goooo
It’s-a meeeee
MariooooooMushroom Kingdooom
Mama Miaaaa
Take me Hoooome
Rainbow Roaaad
My kids just introduced themselves as “Let’s Go” and “We’re Late”
Bisexuals are lucky. To the rest of us, life is a restaurant where you’re allergic to half the items on the menu.
Lmao 😁
I caught my husband eating the last of the ice cream last night. First of all, we are supposed to be dieting together. Second of all, I was going to eat that.
The new guy at work has been getting a lot of customer complaints lately.
Probably because I wear his name tag when he’s not there.
“I really like Eminem.”
” I prefer smarties.”
“No, the rapper.”
“Why would you eat the wrapper?”
#FridayVibes #RubbishJokes
“i’m a top” “i’m a bottom” okay well I’M gonna pop some tags, only got $20 in my pocket
Gyms closed. So this summer gone be about personality.
The price of groceries has gotten me thinking about what acorns taste like.
“I’ve made my point.” -good worker at a pencil factory
me: hmm…that’s a real head-scratcher…I don’t know there are significant pros and cons to each choice…maybe I should make a spreadsheet and do a cost analysis…
netflix, impatiently: dude, just pick something already
My stalker just threatened to kill herself if I can’t love her back. It’s nice when problems resolve themselves.
Marriage is a little less fairytale and a lot more lying on opposite couches in your rattiest pajamas arguing over which brand of saltine crackers is superior while the same show you never really watch replays on the TV in the background
i want to work in this restaurant
oh you think being a teen during a pandemic is hard? imagine being a teen and a mutant and a ninja and a turtle in a sewer