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*wakes up at the crack of Dawn*
*instantly regrets drunk dialing Dawn last night*
When I was a kid I was afraid to drink kool-aid because I didn’t want a giant hole in my wall that I had to explain to my mother, like, could you imagine?
Cars these days have so many sensors and rear cameras you gotta work extra hard to run someone over
Bread: For when you want to wrap your food with other food, then eat it.
High definition is like regular definition but it’s slightly paranoid and working on its second bag of Doritos.
Me: You can’t honestly expect me to believe this house isn’t haunted; I can see the ghost walls from here.
Realtor: Those are windows.
You never know how strong you are…until your power steering goes out.
Practice safe sex and have sex with a vampire. Vampires are, by default, all about consent because they have to be invited inside.
[sneezes and shoots my tampon out so hard it sets off another false missle alarm in Hawaii]
“I’ll vote for a Democrat when hell freezes over.” — Texas Republicans
“Deal.” — Mother Nature
age 20: I was in a car accident, my ride is totaled. I won’t be into work until after lunch
age 40: I did something to my back brushing my teeth, I need to lie down for 3 weeks
Otters drive ottermobiles.
Everything at the mini mart is normal-sized and I feel so betrayed.
Dear Amazon, I bought a toilet seat because I needed one. Necessity, not desire. I do not collect them. I am not a toilet seat addict. No matter how temptingly you email me, I’m not going to think, oh go on then, just one more toilet seat, I’ll treat myself.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Can you hear my chips?
If Thor is a woman, what’s next? Woman doctors? Woman lawyers? Woman mothers? When will it end?
The /r/ubiquiti subreddit has been going back and forth the last few days on who can make the shortest ethernet cable and it’s been seriously cracking me up.
Shepherd’s wife: You always seem so happy dear.
Shepherd: I got ewe babe.
skippin the intro of a game and then realizin you have no idea what the objectives are just walking round aimlessly hoping something pops up
I just bit into a dorito and had a piece of cool ranch seasoning fly into my eye and blind me and make me scream like I was being burned with acid so maybe don’t let me on your apocalypse survival team
I love British antique shows because every piece has a rich history and the Brits are so blasé about it.
“Do you know anything about this teapot?”
“My grandfather used it to beat a Nazi to unconsciousness while doing espionage work during WWII.”
“Mmm-hmm. Beautiful etching.”
Dragon fire can’t melt stone pillars. King’s Landing was an inside job.
PROSECUTOR: you chipped a golf ball down a clowns throat
ME: i honestly thought that was part of the course
So my neighbor is baking apple pie, and I’m just sitting here waiting for her to put it on the windowsill
I ate a tomato slice off the carpet. And some lettuce. And some bleu cheese bits. And mushrooms. I’m saying I dropped my salad on the floor.
When the boss says you have five minutes for lunch.
A farmer asked his neighbor
“I think my horse has what yours has. What did you give him when he was sick?”
“Castor oil”
The farmer bought castor oil and gave it to his horse
The next day
“Hey! I gave castor oil to my horse and it KILLED HIM!”“Killed mine too”
When I tell people I used to have a time machine a lot of them ask why I didn’t kill Hitler and I explain that my time machine broke shortly after I murdered Smithsen and when they ask who Smithsen was I always say “you’re welcome”
Dog: I have to go outside.
Me: Okay.
Dog: I really really need to go outside.
Me: Okay okay I’m coming.
Dog: YOU NEED TO TAKE ME OUT NOW.
Me: OMG I’m right here let’s go.
Dog: Hold on I have to stretch for ten minutes.
Boss: this project is moving along at a snail’s pace!!
*silence*
Todd the snail: This is bullshit
*spends 3hrs storming out of meeting*