Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Lets keep this short tell me what I did right

I like to compliment strangers on their T-shirt just to make them look down to see which one they’re wearing.

Revenge is a dish best served heated unevenly with cold spots.

Cop: We’re going to charge you with battery
Terminator: Oh you’re a life saver, I’m on 3%

[god creating ants]
Anteater: finally

Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.

My husband asked me to put him to sleep with a happy ending…

*reads a book “and they lived happily ever after”

Mmmm yeah, you like that?

Commissioner Gordon: It says here that bats sleep upside down and wee over themselves.

Batman: We also poop.

CG: We?

B: They. I mean they

Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.

Talking to my sleepy 9 year old and as a joke offered her some of my coffee. She said, “I can’t drink coffee, I’m not an old person yet,” and now I hate everything.

“Stop texting me. If I wanted to go on the second date, I wouldn’t have stolen all your jewelry.”

Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.

My dog:

I hate when I go to review a podcast and someone before me said “wow, this pod makes my daily 6 mile run fly by!” and I’m like cool it also makes eating this giant bag of cheese balls fly by.

You call the carnival ride dangerous.

I call it “Natural Selection’s Li’l Helper.”

I shoulda been an air conditioner cause all I do is vent.

I’m a long-term thinker. For instance, the green bananas I bought will be delicious in 2 days.

*gets last year’s turkey out of the attic*

stop telling me to move somewhere warmer. you can’t just pack up and leave like some kind of goddamn hippie i’m working on it.

me: i knocked through a fake wall in my bathroom and there was a whole secret furnished room behind there

friend: you live in an apartment complex

me: oh yeah

me: jesus, all i have in the cupboard is two tins of tuna fish, an expired box of jello, and egg noodles

1950’s cookbook author’s ghost, calling from hell: well well well, not so high and mighty now, are we?

wtf? Somehow in the past 9 months, someone has snuck in & shrunk my winter clothes

How are the neighbors supposed to free load off your WiFi if the signal barely makes it to the living room.

My son, Luke, loves how I named all my kids after Star Wars characters.
My daughter, Chewbecca, not so much.

And now as I don my mask in the grocery store I know I have but fifteen seconds before my glasses fog up and my cart becomes a lethal weapon.

[rhyme factory]
BOSS: get cracking on those words that rhyme with “ow”
WORKER: yes sir
bow
cow
dow
how
*boss looks away*
low
mow
*boss looks back*
now
pow
*boss looks away again*
row
sow
tow
*boss looks back*
vow
wow

[after 47 minutes of listening]
okay usually when someone says “what is wrong with me” it’s rhetorical but thanks for the feedback

[posing for mugshot]
“now turn forward”
[flash]
lemme see

I would be awful at debating I’d be like first of all you are being so mean to me.

No one:
Pepto Bismol Marketers: Let’s make a song and dance about diarrhea.

“Daddy, there’s a mime under the bed!”
That’s ridiculous, why would you think that?
“Listen!”
*complete silence*
OH DEAR GOD RUN