🎉Made my last car payment 🎉
I still owe a lot but I’m just not paying anymore
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Somebody’s car alarm is going off outside my house. Not surprisingly really because I live in the bad part of 1992.
Me: Alexa, who would you rather marry, Siri or Cortana?
A: I’m an AI, monogamous relationships are irrelevant
M: Oh you naughty minx!
“Just this one more episode.” you said, and all the voices in your head laughed and laughed, and slapped their knees.
My bf bought a kazoo and in unrelated news he can’t find it for some reason..
CUSTOMER: What’s it run on?
YODA: [first day as an electric car salesman] Watts, it run on.
CUSTOMER: Ok I need to speak to your manager, you baldy parrot.
The secret to immortality is looking like a slob. Have you ever seen a ghost looking like shit? No. No you have not
A Southern Diner is a cross between Noah’s Ark and a Deep Fryer.
What I said: Please help clean up after dinner.
What my 6yo heard: Commence pirouetting.
Thinking about setting up Costco sample stations around the house to keep the kids busy and fed
The best thing capitalism has done is put a little window on pasta boxes so the noodles can look out at the world.
nothing prepares you for when your sweet sensitive gentle eight year old son calls you “bruh” for the first time
T-Rex teen: Omg, that meteor is so bright, I’m literally dying!
T-Rex mom: don’t be so dramatic…
EMTs showed up at my house unexpectedly, so I guess the neighbors did see me when the bee landed on my head
Snape: but my lord, isn’t it more likely that the pure blooded child will have the magical ability to oppose you?
Voldemort: my nemesis isn’t going to be named Longbottom, jfc
Nannying is like a stay at home mom internship
Please stop bullying people into watching TV shows where you just have to make it through the first 3 seasons before it starts getting good.
A zombie jumped out at me, in a haunted house, but he didn’t scare me. He did, however, catch my elbow in his face.
In a survival situation, you can drink your own urine. Fortunately, my Wi-Fi came back on just as I was filling the can.
An Ontario woman completed a 40,000 piece puzzle, one of the largest in the world. And she’s VERY pissed no one told her the pandemic is over.
*loudly introduces everyone to the elephant in the room
I don’t need lip fillers. I have two toddlers constantly head-butting me.
Coworker said ‘nice pink shirt, when did you come out?’ I said ‘IT’S NOT PINK IT’S SALMON!’. Then I snapped my fingers and skipped away.
How much for the Ice Cream Scoop?
Ma’am, that’s a Shovel.
Stop me if you’ve heard this one
Daddy I’m full
Ok, but the kitchen is closed for the night
(after cleaning up dinner)
Daddy I’m hungry
WTF
I would never let MY child act like that.
-things my friends without kids say.
Him: “So, what made you agree to this blind date?”
Me: “I really need to feel something inside me other than my demons.”
Him: “Wait, wh-?”
My demon: “Shush! Let her finish. Can you believe this guy?”
Me: “I know, right?”
Me: how much for the horse kabobs
Ride operator: it’s a carousel
[Facepainting Booth]
Mum: Er…she wanted a butterfly…
Me: I only do toads
Mum: Well you should say that bef-
Me: *taps “TOADS ONLY” sign*
Everyone is fighting a battle (with goblins) that you know nothing about (because you failed a perception check)