🎵 I can’t wait to
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[At the pearly gates]
Me: what was it like, watching my life from up here?
Saint Peter: the book was so much better.
Sure I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand bats.
I’m as full as a tick on a tampon
Standing in the liquor store, trying to decide if tonight’s dose of self-loathing and regret should have a screw-top or a cork.
My gynecologist sent me a refund check for $18.70. I don’t know what it’s for but I feel like I need to be offended.
All parents share a common truth:
that children are wonderful, from the day they are born, til the day they can talk.
Diet starts today.
I need to lose about 3 years.
dentist (who has studied mouths for years and has my mouth on display with perfect lighting, and is asking this question because she knows i haven’t been flossing): have you been flossing
me (slyly): yes
I dropped my ice cream cone on the ground and it landed pointy end up which made the Earth, at least for a moment, one giant topping.
Griddle me this!!
– Batman villain ordering breakfast.
Women be like ‘I hope you look exactly like your profile photo’ and then when you’re kneeling outside the restaurant holding a fish they’re all ‘Omg what is wrong with you’. I can’t win you guys.
[after sleeping in a slightly different position] I have gathered you all here to read my last will and testament…
If someone catches you doing something inappropriate don’t stop, just do it slowly while keeping eye contact.
4yo: let me smell your eyelashes!
Me:…ok
4yo:smells like spiders. What if they eat your face?
Me: this is how nightmares are born.
Interviewer : What are your expectations?
Me : Job.
Interviewer : I mean what do you want from this job?
Me : Salary
I’m the most bashful person in the world, until you get me on the dance floor. Then I become the most bashful newborn giraffe in the world.
The Earth is 70% uncarbonated water
Therefore the Earth is flat.
You say your baby is 13 months? I hate to break it to you, but there are only 12 months. Your baby is lying to you
I need a strapping man or woman to come fireman carry me upstairs to bed and brush my teeth. No weirdos (which is why my husband can’t do it).
[Police sketch artist job interview]
“How am I not qualified?”
Your resume is a stick figure and a poorly drawn igloo
“It’s a cat actually”
Me: don’t talk to me till I’ve had my coffee
Waitress: …all I said was “what would you like to order”
Me: you’re doing it again
Waitress:
Me:
Waitress:
Me:
Waitress:
Me: oh I see the problem
“This one’s cute.” – me picking out a watermelon.
I have no idea what I’m doing.
Hmm 🧐
The opposite of isolate is yousoearly. Please don’t block me.
ikea instructions make no sense, why would they only give me one allen wrench to cook all these meatballs
*mops up wine with cat*
Interviewer: It says here on your resume that you are an overachiever. Care to elaborate?
Me: I’m 35 but my body already feels like it’s 65.
Me: Ugh, I have nothing to wear
Me on laundry day: Why do I have so many clothes
When she says she prefers the strong, silent type she means her vibrator.