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Let’s Go
Thanks for your email! Unfortunately, I have filled my pockets with stones and am making my way to the sea.
3: when I’m 5 I’ll do all the cleaning and cooking on the weekend so you and daddy can stay in bed
Me: *hands her pen to sign legally binding contract*
If your name is Ella and you haven’t opened a seafood restaurant called Salmonella’s, what are you doing with your life?
*bites off stem and rolls apple into hospital lobby
On the news: there’s a shortage of maternity-ward staff.
You could say it’s a bit of a…*looks away*
*mumbles*
MIDWIFE crisis!
(…sorry.)
I hate killing bugs so instead I spend hours trying to get it in a cup so I can toss it outside after accidentally taking off 3 of its legs.
Pastor: He is risen!
Me: Who?
Pastor: Jesus
Me: Jesus who?
Pastor: Jesus Christ
Me: Look, dude, there’s no reason to get angry.
journal
My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.
dad: Hand me that Phillips screwdriver
me: *looking*
dad: Isn’t that a Phillips beside you?
me: It says “Craftsman”
dad:
me: Are you crying?
I’ve had like 6 red bulls, so of course I’m vacuuming the front yard.
Me: *meeting a priest* Nice dress, bro.
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is “mussel”
me: can you use it in a sentence?
judge: check out the mussels on this fisherman
me: umm
[creating scorpions]
satan: hey god, can I borrow that lobster for just a second
me, last week when it was dark in evenings: what is the point of anything
me a week later now there is light: I am so happy to be alive so I can eat fresh mango
I was once killed by a shark escalator.
a psychic on the street just said “why don’t you come in for a reading sweetie” and without a beat I said “no thanks I can’t read” and I bet her psychic intuition didn’t warn her I’d say something that stupid
Cop: You been drinking?
Me: No.
Cop: Say the alphabet backwards.
Me: Alphabet the.
Cop: Hilarious. Say each letter.
Me: Each letter.
genie: “thats definitely your last wish?”
me: [smiles at my wife in wheelchair] “yes”
genie: “ok”
our dog: “how can i talk all of a sudden?”
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Did I mention I’m a vegan?
Interviewer: Your resume is printed on quinoa
Me: I’m a vegan
Hey retailers selling clear purses in response to venues’ draconian bag policies, we see right through you.
I’m having a shitty day, but then I remembered to shift my perspective, and I realized I’m also having a pretty crappy week.
Started raining WHILE I was in the car wash. Like..
Me: I’m not cleaning that up
Clifford the Big Red Dog: you have to
Oceanography is all about current events
my husband thinks i accepted his apology but wait until he sees that i rearranged the tool shed
What kind of monster sits in a rocking chair and doesn’t rock