šµ I canāt wait to
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If you donāt think kids will use any excuse to fight, mine are currently arguing over whose fever is higher
[first weekend away from the kids]
ME: lemme sleep 5 more minutes
PRISON GUARD: maāam your husband posted bail Friday
ME: Who do you want to be at my Frozen-themed party?
FRIEND: Let me be Olaf or Elsa
ME: Ok but never threaten me in an Italian accent again
*at lawyerās office*
Me: I want to divorce my idiot wife, sheās seeing a surgeon
*idiot wife pops out from under desk* thatās so not true!
[Elementary School sends out the ātime to check lost and found for your childās missing itemsā annual emailā¦]
Me: Hello, U-haulā¦Me againā¦Imma need your biggest truck
Moms have an amazing superpower: we can speak at full volume without anyone hearing us.
You lost your mind? Donāt worry. Ask any mom and sheāll find it within two minutes.
I am bored. Anyone need anything avenged?
I plan on spending the weekend in a vintage perfume ad (walking, staring, hair, wind).
When I go āCommandoā I carry around a big machine gun & speak with an Austrian accent while I track down my daughterās kidnappers.
priest: ādoes anyone here know why these two should not be wed?ā
me: āSHE LEAVES THE VOLUME ON ODD NUMBERSā
priest: [slowly closes bible]
Me: Can I have a Batmobile?
Santa: Be realistic.
Me: Ok, pass my Masters & get a good job?
Santa: Iāll leave the Batmobile in the garage.
you should be able to donate somebody elseās body to science
[going 75 mph on the freeway with only forests on both sides of the road]
my phone: I found nine wi-fi connections to HP printers.
Women are scary.
Take me, for exampleā¦I said goodnight to a guy, weeks ago, and heās so afraid to say the wrong thing, he STILL hasnāt replied.
whatās the point of liking a tweet if someone who is infatuated with me canāt see it and analyse what it means
sign of the times š
*runs into a burning building to save the fire*
Most drug-sniffing dogs refuse to admit they have a problem
Dating is just deciding if you like a person more than being lonely, then choosing wrong.
I was pretty sure I spotted Ted Danson last night. Not doing much, just Danson in the streets
You think if I tell my dad ā30 is the new 20ā heāll start paying all my bills for me again like he did 10 years ago?
āWeāre still looking for a side projectā
Tornado: *raises hand* we could flip houses
āWeāve been over this, itās not what you think it isā
[pizza delivery]
Girl: Is there an other way I can pay you? *bites lip*
uh HELL YEAH!
*pulls out phone*
see that RT button?
Last minute gift idea:
Give someone a bucket of water and tell them your sorry their ice sculpture melted
Who wants to hear about my fatherās colonoscopy? He apparently thought I did.
Today I learned that when getting a pedicure with your wife, donāt tell the salon girl āthanks for the amazing toe jobā.
If your surname is Rice and you donāt name your kid, Fried then I can never be friends with you.
When a Nokia phone warns you about low battery, you have at least 1 month to find where the charger is lying in your house.