🎵 I can’t wait to
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The road to insanity is paved with failed login attempts.
ME: Mexican food does NOT agree with me
BURRITO: Correct. Your thoughts on middle eastern power structures are banal and imperialist at best
“How do you compete in fencing if you don’t have a sword?”
“I just dodge the other guy’s attacks.”
“You’re missing the point.”
“That’s the idea!”
Her: I love you
Me: What’d I do now?
Her: Nothing. I just love you
Me: OK, what’d you do?
Her: Nothing
Me: FOR GODSAKE TELL ME WHO DID WHAT
INTERVIEWER: Why did you leave your previous job?
ME: Because once they fire you they won’t let you stay.
[tries to take a selfie]
Phone: NOT ENOUGH SPACE.
[deletes a bunch of photos]
Phone: still tho… don’t.
“Check, please!” – Me, at a restaurant begging the waiter to make sure there are no monsters under the table
Cigarettes have warning labels because they are dangerous and addictive yet vaginas are allowed to just roam around freely.
Me: do you like bad boys?
Her: no
Me: are you sure?
Her: [covers her dog’s ears] okay yes
Me: That’s the murder house on the street.
Friend: That’s your house.
Me: Yea
HER: your phone is exacerbating our problems
*i pick up my phone*
HER: your behavior is untenable
“hold on I’m still googling exacerbate”
Babies are just like turtles, keep them in water and also feed them turtle food.
“any questions for Mr. deGrasse Tyson?”
[I knock over an old woman while sprinting to the mic]
HOW DOES AIR CONDITIONING WORK IN SPACE?
I demand Lisa from high school face me in a public debate about why she made out with Craig when it was MY BIRTHDAY PARTY
Basically every plane is missing to me. I couldn’t tell you where a single plane is
I go to Costco sometimes just to pet the rotisserie chickens.
It’s called courting because you will need lawyers later.
put my dad’s hat on a snowman and it immediately left to get cigarettes
A watched pot never boils but a pot left unattended burns. So you see my dilemma.
There’s that girl again. Time to impress her.
*Rolls down the window blasting a science podcast*
Netflix plants your dna at various crime scenes while you are asleep.
when people give me directions and they’re like “you can’t miss it” i’m like, oh you do not know what i’m capable of
Sometimes I think I’m the only Brit trying to use up all this spice we stole
I won’t believe Johnny Depp is engaged until I’ve seen he’s put a ring, 90 bracelets, 7 scarves, a fedora and an ugly pair of glasses on it.
Prosecutor (showing slide): Is this your Yelp review history?
Me: Yes but
Prosecutor: 26 proctologists?
Me: What you have to understand is
Prosecutor: You described this one as “pleasantly judgmental”
Someone said “30 years ago”, and my mind went to the 1970s, but they meant 1994, and now I need to lie down.
My 11 yo noticed my receding hairline and thought it was hilarious. Until I explained how heredity works.
3-year-old: Daddy, I don’t want hair that looks like yours.
Me: What does my hair look like?
3: Like stupid.
She gets her tact from me.
[leaning over and kissing my spouse’s forehead]
“Rest in peace.”
My spouse opens their eyes: I really don’t like it when you kiss me goodnight that way.