🎵 Like a good neighbor, stay over there!! 🎶
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The kids and I left the house on time this morning, so now I have to stop for coffee because I don’t have the adrenaline I usually get from running late
ROBIN: the batmobile won’t start
BATMAN: check the battery
ROBIN: what’s a tery
Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and saw the hundreds of pictures you’ve taken of them sleeping..
I was searching for how to hit a deer and survive but now my history makes it look like I’m hunting deer with my car
If I wanted to drive my wife insane, I’d secretly raise a colony of bees & place one new bee inside of her car each morning for ten years.
Hey gurl, were you taped to the inside of a birthday card from my grandmother? Cause you’re a dime.
me: jesus, all i have in the cupboard is two tins of tuna fish, an expired box of jello, and egg noodles
1950’s cookbook author’s ghost, calling from hell: well well well, not so high and mighty now, are we?
I’m sorry I pronounced your name wrong, because your mother ignored all laws of grammar in the English language
You give me something. It’s mainly indigestion and the creeps but that’s something.
*opening heating bill* I wonder how much coal will fit in my stocking
Add “af” to the end of all business emails for maximum corporate whimsy
As a kid, I had to be careful not to curse around adults. Now as an adult, I have to be careful not to curse around kids.
i could never sleep with a man named dunstin. that’s a monkey’s name.
Happy mothers day to all the moms out there.
“Still too cold… Still too cold…”
“Screw it, I can’t be late again.”
😂😂
[at Starbucks]
Barista: Coffee?
Me: Yes, a medium please
Coffee: I’m strongly sensing the presence of your great grand aunt Lucille
if you can’t judge a book by its cover then graphic design is a big fat lie
My favorite part of any relationship is the very beginning, before the other person realizes what a mess you are and what a huge mistake they are making
“Well…it’s basically a cellular phone that you have to join a cult to use.”
– Steve Jobs explaining the iPhone
Before records were invented, people used to say: u sound like an opera singer that keeps repeating himself
Mosquito *bites a vampire*:
Holy shit, this guy’s a whole buffet!
When I walk through automatic doors sometimes I think I’m controlling them with my mind, that’s normal right?
ME: let me take you to a nice dinner
HER: ok
ME: somewhere they make the food right there in front of you
HER: oh like Benihana?
ME: (slipping subway coupons back in my pocket) I guess so
In the future the only two jobs left are Uber driver and escape room planner.
I only practice kegels so I can carry in another grocery bag when my hands are full
me in 1997: i can’t wait for the future when microsoft word fixes all the issues and it becomes a more user-friendly piece of software
me in 2023: any day now probably
“any questions for Mr. deGrasse Tyson?”
[I knock over an old woman while sprinting to the mic]
HOW DOES AIR CONDITIONING WORK IN SPACE?
*manager storms backstage* Kandi, your twerk looks like the first signs of Parkinson’s. Foxxxy, you couldn’t get a Werther’s Original hard.