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I got kicked off Wikipedia for adding “obviously” to the end of every article.
The council are threatening to fine me just because I put my recycling in the wrong box. Apparently the red one is only for post.
wdym i don’t know how to flirt like my eyebrow wiggle game is superior.
My husband is suddenly showering everyday, so I assume he’s having an affair
maybe its the cursed amulet talking, but [thousands of locusts fly from my mouth and form a living treasure map on the ceiling]
me: this edible ain’t shit
me twenty minutes later: googling how to remove a curse
Don’t you have anyone you can talk to? – me as a therapist
My parents are replacing their coffee machine, which is 7 years old.
Me: that’s not that old, I have sheets older than that.
Mother: well perhaps your sheets aren’t getting as much action as our coffee machine.
I’m going to need an ambulance.
It’s hard to overstate the pressure and anxiety I feel when a stray ball comes onto the sidelines at my feet and the Pee-Wee coach and all the six-year olds look at me as if to say “surely you, a grown man, can accurately kick that ball back to the ref while everyone watches.”
Screech up to a yard sale. Ask if they have any haunted amulets. Yell at the dog in your backseat, “I’m GETTING the spell reversed, Greg!”
This Kit Kat commercial is making some awfully big assumptions about both my generosity and number of friends.
My ex did that thing where if I made a joke, he’d repeat it louder & try to take credit for it. So I started sharing incorrect facts with him which he’d blindly believe & repeat to others. He tried to convince his boss that tofu was made from recycled erasers. His boss was vegan.
Spend $200 on cat toys
Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP
I basically have 3 hairstyles…
Straight.
Wavy.
Homeless.
my new favorite genre of photography is “cats who are auditioning for the role of the body in an Agatha Christie novel.”
Get a dog from the shelter for your kids and you’re a hero
but get a hobo from the shelter to babysit your kids and everyone gets all upset
Octopuses are amazing in that they can squeeze into really tight spaces to hide.
But when I do it, NO ONE is amazed. All I hear is, “Play with us!” from my kids and “STOP hiding under the bed from our kids, YOU ARE NOT an octopus!” from my wife.
[Sigh]
Me: what’s your job
Them: I’m a bank teller
Me: *nervously* what do you tell it
I’ve had a lot more interest from women since I’ve been forced to wear a mask and I don’t know how to feel about that.
People Complain They’ve Been Cancelled; coming soon to prime time television.
WIFE: *reading news* A body was found outside the bakery but they can’t identify it.
ME: A John Dough
HER: Get out!
i slap your apartment floor and ask you what year it was made. you don’t understand so i do exactly the same thing again
Cop: i told you this land is off limits
Me: oh i thought you said it was all flimits
Cop: wtf are flimits
Me: idk let’s go look
Cop: ok
My 5-year-old told me to take the pizza out of the oven before it burns. I told her that I know what I’m doing and please don’t tell me what to do. I forgot about the pizza and ummm… I don’t think I’ll ever recover from this.
Parents, need a little free time Easter morning?
Have your kids hunt for Easter eggs that you never hid.
Bonus points for telling them they’re getting warmer.
No one is more focused than a person sitting on the subway pretending they don’t see the hugely pregnant woman standing in front of them.
My husband said I have everything I need so he’s not getting me anything for Christmas. Really? I need Jason Bateman. Work on that.
Sometimes my dreams are so realistic that I have to talk myself out of them. Today it was, “you can’t try out for the baseball team, you’re 36.”
[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
You (drinking coffee): Drugs are bad
Me (smugly injecting heroin): Actually, coffee is a drug