Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Look pal, I’m not some princess that needs to be rescued, ok?
Bagger: Ma’am, we help everyone with their groceries.
Me: Fine! One date.

The first sin in the Bible was eating an apple. The second was murder. That escalated quickly.

If I was a witch, I’d curse you to have to wear tight jeans to Thanksgiving dinner.

Alligators can live for up to 100 years.

So that increases the chance that one will indeed “see you later.”

I went to a job interview, and it didn’t go well.

How was I supposed to know HTML doesn’t mean how to make lasagna?

I mean, I don’t know how to make lasagna either, but they didn’t know that.

Me: Your generation sits around with their noses in their phones

Niece: Your generation made the guys who wrote the Macarena rich

Me: …

I have a “baby on board” sticker on my car. No baby right now, I just want people to know I’m a sore loser

beyoncé communicating with the dead is what i would call a seyoncé.

Oh you can bench 50 kilograms? I literally don’t know if that’s 100 pounds or a billion.

If we get locked down again, I might actually be willing to chat with someone about my car’s extended warranty.

You excited to watch the Super Bowl?

“Ya, but only cuz the commercials.”

[sounds of man being beaten to death with bowl of chips and dip]

Our new dog has her first training class today where she will hopefully learn to stop dislocating my shoulder when she sees a squirrel on our walks.

me: how can I impress my date

friend: buy her dinner

me: ok

[later at the restaurant]
her: what?

me: I said how much do you want for your burger?

Sometimes autocorrect totally has my back, and other times I type “rbis” instead of “this”, and my phone is like “Nah I’m gonna leave it, she’s good”

hear me out : pockets for your socks

I won’t believe Johnny Depp is engaged until I’ve seen he’s put a ring, 90 bracelets, 7 scarves, a fedora and an ugly pair of glasses on it.

Cinderella is my favorite story about choosing a spouse based on shoe size.

Flirt with him. Drop down and pick up your asthma inhaler. Look back, readjust your glasses.

My super power is not uttering a word and yet still saying the wrong thing.

No thanks, I’m not hungry right now. I’ll just wait until after you put it away and sit down. Then I’ll have some.

-kids

We got our carpet cleaned today, so I’m just waiting for the dog to throw up

Huh… I wonder if I should tell my friend that his back tattoo doesn’t say what he thinks it says.

Kid: Mom, the demon in my closet wants pizza or else it will kill us all

Me: The demon in your closet got pizza money?

Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.

*bolts upright in bed, instantly wide awake in the middle of the night*

“FIRE TRUCKS SHOULD BE CALLED WATER TRUCKS”

I’m pretty sure I could “watch this” for 24 hours straight without blinking and my 7yo still wouldn’t be satisfied.

I think my wife has been moonlighting at the north pole. That is only explanation for why her feet are so cold when she gets into bed

My shoes have cute flowers on them so of course I’m looking at those instead of watching where I’m going

[job interview]

Him: Do you have any social media accounts?
Me: …
Him: …
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Him: …
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