Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Don’t EVER let anyone tell you you’re not worth anything. You can get at least ten grand for one of your kidneys.

Marriage, when you drink as much as possible before your husband gets home so you can just drink 1 glass of wine in front of him.

I dont mean to brag but my sense of humour has people saying they worry about me sometimes.

Stephen Fry is being investigated for blasphemous comments.

Stephen Colbert is being investigated for a joke.

LET MY STEPHENS GO! 😡

great now I have to die before I can get a hot dog

Remember , for some unknown reason Santa doesn’t make batteries .

I go out of my way for people. Whenever I see people, I go “Out of my way!”

I told my friends I found my Lasik surgeon on Yelp and they were horrified. Or interested, I’m not sure, I can’t make out faces so well.

I told my 2.5yo we were looking for a house with three bedrooms, a room for him, his sister, and us.

Him: I want five bedrooms.

Me: why? So we can have more kids?

Him: No. More parents.

I realize I’m struggling with this phase of my life but in my defense I wasn’t planning on living this long

Love the deli paper on the doctor’s table. Mmm I’m a sick little sandwich

You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable eating a bucket of extra crispy.

When a southern mom tells you that you look like a little doll baby you might hope she means Barbie but she definitely means Cabbage Patch

billionaires spent their money on sex crimes and polluting the ocean. such bullshit. with a billion dollars you could probably get Jeff Goldblum to tuck you into bed or have Stevie Nicks put a hex on you. billionaires are so stupid.

Nobody:

Dog: OMG HE LOOKED IN THE GENERAL DIRECTION OF MY LEASH WE’RE GOING FOR A WALK I’M READY C’MON LET’S GO NOW PUT YOUR SHOES ON NOW HERE LET ME HELP I HAVE YOUR SOCK OK LET’S GO WALK!!!

Cop: When the meteor landed on the Old Navy Store it obliterated the clearance section.
Me (also a cop): *Solemnly* Yes. There were many casual tees.

My master plan is to forget sunglasses at every location in the world so wherever I am I’ll always have sunglasses.

Twitter: Cause why drunk dial one person when you can drunk dial the world?

*presses wheelchair accessible button*

*rolls 5 year old in on dolly restrained like Hannibal Lector*

“We’re here for a haircut.”

You can learn a lot when your children start moving out. For example, you may go upstairs and learn that you no longer own a couch.

I don’t know who needs to hear this, but, don’t drink aquarium water to impress a girl……..

[skydiving]

cute instructor: open your chute!

me: lol make me

This is the worst carnival ever. I can’t believe they blocked the street off for this.

Sir, this is a crime scene.

ME: I’ll put a sexy movie on
DATE: Good idea
*presses play*
D: Shrek?
M: omg embarrassing
D: Haha
M: [fumbling with DVD] Meant to be Shrek 2

federal employees putting floppy discs into their work computers from 1996 and watching people accuse the government of having the technology to create hurricanes

•a lion stalks a fawn•

•a man steps out from behind tree•

I’m Chris Hansen from NBCs to catch a predator, do u know how old that deer is?

In my day, Frozen 2 would’ve been released directly to VHS with a new Olaf who sounds weird, and we would’ve been GRATEFUL.

“How’s the diet going?”

I beep when I back up now.

Peter Jackson just found a postcard JRR Tolkien wrote his nephew in 1938. He’s turning it into 22 nine-hour films.

“Daddy, I was just in the bathroom peeing, nothing else. That’s all, so you don’t need to look.”

– my 6yo, not sounding at all suspicious