đ” Papa, just killed this toy
Stomped my foot against its head
Batteries fell out, now itâs dead Papa, playtime had just begun
But now Iâll go and throw tantrums all dayâŠđ”-If âBohemian Rhapsodyâ was remade to fit my toddlerâs mood.
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Wanna feel old? Helium formed for the first time 13.8 billions years ago.
A cheap way to get Botox face is by walking your dog in zero degree temperature.
My kids challenged me to a cartwheel contest.
Long story short, now my chiropractor has a new boat.
Do people who eat sushi and sashimi know that fire was discovered?
[abducted aboard a UFO]
Alien: Take us to your leader
Me: *shaking* Then what will you do?
A: Weâll return you, unharmed
M: Not⊠not even a probe?
A: Thereâs nothing new to learn from probing humans
M: *pouting* Even if I say please?
My skin is so dry that I canât tell if itâs kidding.
My daughter still doesnât understand this math problem even though Iâve explained it in several different frustrated tones.
đ¶ Hey there Delilah⊠a thousand miles seems pretty far but theyâve got planes and trains and cars đ¶
Guy That Just Waked 500 Miles and 500 More: they have what
Hello? Iâd like to rent one bouncey house, please. How many will be using it? Just one. Her age? Uh. FourâŠâŠ..ty-seven.
Judge: how does your client plead?
Me, a lawyer: it was just a little murder and the victim was a bit of a prick actually
her: why is there a duck on your shoulder?
me: heâs my life coach
her: you wanna go to olive garden?
*duck whispers in my ear*
me: thatâs a yes
Inkling sounds like a baby octopus
ME: Who is Taylor Swiftâs song âWe Are Never Getting Back Togetherâ about?
DOCTOR: I meant questions about the vaccine
wife: please be nice to my sister-in-law.
me: iâll treat her like my own blood.
sister-in-law: hey guys.
me: [screams and passes out]
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Today sucked so bad I had to stop by the liquor store on my way to the bar
(Watching Planet Earth)
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: A narrow escape. The rabbit lives to fight another day
ME: hooray I wanted this
DA: The fox will have nothing to feed its hungry babies
ME: Oh no why did I want this
How high was Pac-Man tryin to eat ghosts? bruh
But what if options were limited, and portions were small and overpriced?
â Food Trucks
My younger daughter has been in her bedroom looking at screens the last three years and I have forgotten her first name.
Went to the farmers market this morning but they didnât have any farmers I liked
My kids have been helping our neighbors in their garden and now Iâm having Children of the Corn flashbacks.
studying the Sphinx using Pharoahdynamics
Just thinking up snappy comebacks to painful conversations I had 22 years ago. What are YOU doing?
Absence didnât work what else ya got?
Itâs amazing what happens when you take a little time to get to know someone.
They become even more annoying.
I abuse music so badly. Iâm always like: make me feel good, watch me dance, listen to me sing, improve my mood. She must be sick of my shit.
6 year old: I ate all my lunch today!!
The evidence to the contrary:
Burning rubberâŠ
While driving a race car: Good
While using a condom: Bad