Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: give me all the brisket you have

Food truck attendant: jesus I’m driving 80, how are you still holding on

If dogs take after their owners, I need to work on my posture.

me: ah the house is so clean now

sun rays shining through the window: you sure about that?

The great thing about roadkill is you can teach your kid about wildlife and road safety simultaneously

Her (gently shaking me awake): “Did you know you grind your teeth in your sleep?”

Me (removing mouth guard): “Firstly, yes that’s why I wear this.

Secondly, you shouldn’t be talking to me now.

And thirdly, you need to get back behind the yellow line when I’m driving this bus.”

I remember the exact moment growing up when I came to know that a babysitter was not someone who sat on babies.

if you can’t find a man on a dating app, store bought is fine

“let’s put computers and keyboards in our cars. now let’s go catch all the people typing on tiny keyboards in their cars” – cops

We are taking care of my friend’s dog for the rest of the month.

She’s been with us about 45 minutes so far. My boyfriend has said “I love you” three times already.

It took at least six months of dating before we said that to each other.

I enter the wrestling ring in jeans and a tshirt. My opponent’s confidence sinks as she sees me biting into an ice cream cone with my teeth. Clearly I am crazy.

Him: I’m sorry, socks in bed are kind of a deal breaker

Me: wow

My sock puppet: WOW

I’d take Cap’n Crunch more seriously if his eyebrows weren’t on his hat.

HER: Have you sold anything since you became a full-time author?

ME [stares blankly around my empty house] almost everything

He may not be a 10 but he covers his food when he puts it in the microwave

Me: *wolf whistles*

A restaurant specifically for people in their thirties and over with flattering lighting, tums for appetizers and complimentary advil with every drink order

My toxic trait is checking my phone at 3am like there’s going to be something good waiting there.

the squirrels are playing dodgeball with acorns again, must be mating season

I bet the hardest part of being a server is having to wait until people’s mouths are full before asking them how the food is.

I think that news channel only hired you as a weather forecaster so they could see you get hit by a stop sign in a hurricane.

I’m in such a great mood today

Anxiety: I’ll be with you in a minute

The hardest part of working out at home is seeing how much dust there is under my furniture.

i trust babies a lot because i can throw them pretty far

What’s the matter, babe?

You haven’t touched any of your Shrekfast.

Ordered a pizza. Delivery guy and I talked for 45 minutes about swords and he got fired. Now he lives here, we’re gonna fight crime together

My daughter asked me to play Highway to Hell by AC/DC because I was driving them to school. Parenting win I guess.

As long as you’re good at blending in, you can be part of Brad and Angelina’s family too.

Been thinking about getting dressed since I got out of the shower 3 hours ago. It’s quite obviously not going to happen but like everyone always says, it’s the thought that counts…

MOM: What did you learn at summer camp?
KID: We built a generator out of sticks and mud
MOM: A generator? For what?
KID: To charge our iPods

I’m pretty anal when it comes to organizing my house.

Like how I slid in “anal”?

Like how I said “slid in anal”?

If Twitter bellies up, I’m getting addresses because we are all pen pals now