🎵 that’s me in the corner
that’s me drinkin’ hot sprite
trying to catch a pigeon
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The Bachelorette would be a lot more entertaining if the girl was a Praying Mantis.
Cremate me when I die and fire my ashes right when the beat drops at the club. First person to bring a tooth to the DJ gets free drinks all night
I deliberately mispronounce ‘quinoa’ and then adjust the server’s tip according to how condescending they are when they correct me.
Me: It’s Celine Dion riding a unicorn
Tattoo artist: You know these are permanent right?
My son said he doesn’t plan on returning home from college until Thanksgiving so we’re turning his bedroom into a Spirit Halloween.
1985: “I hope we’ll have flying cars in the future!”
2017: “I just used the flashlight on my cell phone to look for spiders under my bed.”
children are a fun way to combine the impetuous insanity of a dog with the murderous disdain of a cat
there are rumors. that someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would have lost my mind
How many priest do you have to fight to get to the pope
Eggplants do not taste as purple as they look
Most embarrassing thing a human being can experience is publicly unrequited love. Second is having the noisy grocery cart.
It is really hard to practice my angry face while eating a donut.
“Son you’re just not cut out to be a mime.”
“Is it something I said?”
“Yes.”
Conference calls are fun because no one knows I’m really home with massive diarrhea.
Boss: For the third time, PLEASE put us on mute.
ANGEL ON MY SHOULDER: You should do that important but onerous task
DEVIL: No! Ignore it and have fun!
ME: Hm. Okay, compromise: I’ll ignore the task, BUT I also won’t have any fun
ANGEL: That doesn’t–
DEVIL: wtf, dude, no
ME: *scrolls through Twitter for 3 hours*
Denial: No-one can stop me getting pictures of Spider-Man
Anger: You’re fired if you don’t get me pictures of Spider-Man
Bargaining: $100 for pictures of Spider-Man
Depression: Why can’t I get pictures of Spider-Man?
Acceptance: There are no pictures of Spider-Man
Wife: I swear, it’s like you never even listen to me!!!
Me: Sounds great, Dear.
“Butter is not play-dough”
– things I shouldn’t have to say
Making toast in the bathtub just hits differently
If it’s only polite to take your shoes off as a guest in someone’s home, stripping fully nude should be considered a truly honorable action.
Your child learning to say mommy is when your life begins and ends
Oh really, your baby’s “strong for his age.” Bring him to the dojo
Adding urine to your compost is a great way to add nitrogen to the soil AND get a restraining order from the neighbors.
She said: “I want to have your children.”
.
Me: “They’ll be on the first bus in the morning.”
We should be able to take our arms off when we go to sleep, we have the technology
[school]
Ok class, what was Abraham Lincoln most famous for doing? Billy?“Abolishing slavery.”
And…
“Slaying vampires.”
Very good.
Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get both into and out of the shower.
if how you live this life is reflected by what you become in the next, i kinda wonder what grandpa did to come back as a pot pie?
