šµ thatās me in the corner
thatās me drinkinā hot sprite
trying to catch a pigeon![]()
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Cop: Are you drunk?
Me: Could a drunk person do this? *I just piss my pants*
Cop: WOW. Yes actually.
Me: That was supposed to be a backflip
Iāve been shelling pistachios for 3 hours now, I have 9.
My 4 year old spilled water on his bathing suit, so he canāt go in the pool until he changes and this is why vodka is a thing.
The pizza theorem:
āPizzas must be circular. They must be cut
into triangles and put into square boxesā-Science
Not everyone understands my laundry method. Itās simple. If itās clean, itās on the floor. If itās dirty, itās on the floor over there.
Was going to call my senator about TikTok, but then the app turned on āsee who viewed but didnāt like your videoā again so Iām ok if it goes.
If youāve seen one lion attack youāve seen a maul
No matter how happily married you think you are, there will always be those times when your spouse eats that last cookie.
roses are red
bellflowers creep
iām in your house
watching you sleep
I aināt never seen a alligator so happy to be getting a toothbrush bath š
Kids today are so coddled- Elf on the Shelf, Toy Story. In my day, if dolls magically came to life, they murdered you and everyone you loved
Thereās no time capsule quite like the pocket of a coat thatās been in the closet for a year.
A guy gets hit on the head by a falling soda can. But heās allright.
Guess he was lucky
*puts on sunglasses*
It was a soft drink
#FFFC
By allowing my children to play their music & video games loudly, Iām able to get candy out of its wrapper into my mouth unseen.
Cutting the rings on my 6 pack plastic thing so nobody chokes when i throw it into the turtle enclosure at the aquarium
2019 stress ball: ā
2020 stress ball: |
*Shrek pre-production meeting*
Producer: Do we have a name for the dragon yet
Guy who named the donkey āDonkeyā: I was thinking Dragon sir
Me: [on mars] *opening bag of chips*
My dog: *blasts off from earth*
She died doing what she loved. Taking six different orders for eggs from her kids.
Always the bridesmaid, never the winner of the office costume party because I keep going as a bridesmaid
Disguising marmite as honey seems like a good way to get dumped on Valentineās day
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āI love you but I donāt trust you,ā I say to my dog as I put cheese and crackers on the table.
DO NOT show up to my place unannounced, I will literally stare at you from the window until nightfall, I donāt give a shit.
My ex recently asked me if I wanted to be āFriends with Benefitsā which is so psycho like dude I am a woman in her 30s, you canāt ask me something like thatā¦.I absolutely do not want new friends.
A huge thanks to the person that did this
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My kids are running fevers and fell asleep on either side of me so now I know how it feels to roast like a gas station hot dog.
Sure, there are plenty of fish in the sea, but they wonāt have sex with you either.
If these walls could talk they would definitely say wow this guy really does add cheese to everything after all
Wife :āDarling, look. I havenāt worn this in 8 years and it still fits.ā
Hubby : Itās a scarf!