Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Naughty at 40 is a hoax
Welcome to age of joint pains and loads of stress

6yo: chicken is good for you. but not so good for the chicken

😳

Me: Don’t wipe dead bugs on your sister.

12yo: Why?

Some things shouldn’t have to be explained, yet here we are.

I’m like Beyonce if Beyonce could not sing or dance.

Sat next to a cute family at church yesterday. The little girl yells, mom I smell beer! It’s not beer it’s whiskey. Read a book stupid kid.

Stop saying I’m not a nice person, I have a pillow in my trunk.

Me: I bought mini cinnamon rolls

Friend: how many?

Me: I don’t know how, but they’re tiny

PHARAOH: we shall build religious monuments. they will baffle future science.

SUBJECT: should we leave them a note to explain how we did it?

PHARAOH: yes, take this down

SUBJECT: ok

PHARAOH: cat, dog, snake, bird, cat, man with the head of a cat, dog, cat, bird

interviewer: why’d you leave your last job

me: i heard a loud noise

interviewer: wow what was it

me: my boss yelling get out you’re fired

Mom, can you take us to the maul?

-teen bears, probably

“My hair is noisy”
“My toe nails are itchy”
“someone peed in my pants”

– A list of my 4 year-old’s 3 a.m. Grievances.

If you pull out a knife and start sharpening it, people soon stop telling you about their plans for Valentine’s Day.

Told my kids I loved them at carpool and no one responded so I yelled, “I love you too!” while hanging out of the sunroof.

Me, 1
Kids, 0

[doing my stand-up comedy routine to an audience of crickets] guys, just tell me, are you enjoying this or not?

Me: Why are any of us here, really? What’s the point? Is there something bigger?

Cop: No, I meant why are you here, in this bank at two in the morning

we went out to lunch with my father in law. jokingly he told 6 to order beer for a drink so when it was 6’s turn he yelled “BEER!” and the entire restaurant looked at us like we’re terrible people.

Me: Do you have any three tiered wedding cakes?
Baker: But of course! When do you need it by?
M: No, I’ll just eat it here.

Young MacDonald had a farm,
Heavy GMO.
The corn’s pest-free but side effects,
Are more or less unknown.

8 yr old: mommy, why are you laying on the floor?

Me: I just did 438 sit ups.

8: sounds legit.

I’ve taught her well.

ME: I think it’s time I get my life in order.

MORGAN FREEMAN: But he would not get his life in order. In fact, he got drunk that night and fought a raccoon.

teach a man to fish and fish will hate him forever.

I often walk through a little park where people walk their dogs. Yesterday I saw somebody walking their tortoise. The funny thing is LA dogs are so small I’m pretty sure that reptile could win in a fight.

*watches movie*

*sees a scene with full frontal male nudity*

*pauses for three months*

FRIEND: and this is my pug
PUG: oink
ME: (thinkig to self) did that pug just say “oink”

Card reader: this is not looking good

Me: mf’er, reshuffle it

Drink responsibly? Responsibility is why I drink.

The existence of egg nog presupposes the existence of other, more obscure nogs.

Customer: can I get some bacon

Me: sure

Customer: can you make it fatty

Me: *holding back tears* bacon isn’t that hard to make

Me: Pfft.. There is scientific evidence that a woman’s brain is lighter than a man’s.

Her: Perhaps because it gets more exercise.

I finally figured out what flies and mosquitoes are for. They’re gods way of making us slap ourselves.