Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Thanks for keeping your Instagram account private. I’d hate for those pictures of your lunch to fall into the wrong hands.

Doctor: I’m afraid you have high blood pressure. I suggest cutting back on your sodium intake.

Me [sipping ramen broth out of a Starbucks cup]: Okay, explain to me what sodium is again.

I asked my son if he wanted his sandwich on toast for lunch, and he said, “I’ll make it myself because you and the toaster aren’t friends.”

that’s the thing with this thing, it’s very thingy

Hear me out. Organ harvest festival.

When I was sixteen, I had to learn how to drive a stick, because we couldn’t afford a car.

Helping in the kitchen this morning. So far I’ve used 467 paper towels

Pretty sure I know what my wife’s getting me for my birthday cause when I guessed, “A 3-way?” she got all angry like I ruined the surprise.

I made a joke about how sweet it is that twenty men I don’t know dm me to ask me how I’m doing and this old dude commented “only 20? Out of 33k?” And like damn that hurt. The rest of you 32,980 better pony up or this old dude is gonna know I’m not sexy 😭

If you broke up with your gf who works at a salad bar you can use the line “lettuce romaine friends” at a low cost of my student loans.

Cleaned out my kid’s backpack and found everything I’ve been missing since 1990

Then suddenly you’re a mom declaring ownership over swept dirt on the kitchen floor yelling DON’T YOU DARE WALK THROUGH MY DIRT PILE

– You got so drunk last night, you were dancing on the table in your underwear!!

– Me? In my underwear? You must have left early.

Toured a marmalade factory today. That was jarring

I embrace aging gracefully

And bitterly

With good humor

And rage

Oh, calm down… One Cobra bite and you’re falling to pieces!

Cashier: Have a great day

[goes to cashier’s home in the evening}

Me: I have bad news

This recipe calls for 4 cups of cheese. That seems like an awful lot. I’ll add 6 just in case.

No, you can’t have candy for breakfast. Don’t be silly. Now be quiet and let me finish my peppermint mocha frappuccino.

Whoever said “find joy in the small things” clearly didn’t know my ex.

I’m used to my kid bursting into the bathroom with random objects but I had to draw the line today at bringing in binoculars and her cousin.

you’re not fooling anyone

Smart of them to call it cookies I mean who’s gonna decline cookies? If they’d said this site uses snakes people would be like aw hell naw

The house has to be spotless so the AC repair technician isn’t disappointed in me.

Get your kids Christmas pajamas so they’ll have something comfortable to fight in.

“And to my heirs, I will leave all this….”

*gestures toward 146 half-full nail polishes, all roughly the same color

I’d change my name to laundry if it meant you’d think about doing me every day.

I buy reverse osmosis filtered alkaline water for my dog and he prefers to drink out of the lake.

I’d kill for a body like that BUT I WILL NOT EXERCISE FOR IT

I hate when our cat runs into the room, hisses at an empty chair then runs back out and I end up in the bathtub holding a crucifix.