Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s not a good date unless it ends with you slowly walking off into the ocean like Godzilla.

Greatest days of my life:
3) Day I got married
2) Day my first kid was born
1) Day Facebook let you turn off notifications for their games

Surgeon: I’m unable to perform this surgery. I’ve only got 10,000 spoons, when all I need is a knife.

Today, I went to the bathroom without my phone… there are 107 tiles on my floor

Sure, I’ll come to your party

*hangs out with the Roomba when I see they have no pets

Wife: Where’d you buy my gift?

Me: Bed Bath & Beyond

Wife: You used a coupon right?

Me: Coupon?

*wife faints*

age 1: goo googa
age 2: im a babada da
age 3: thank god i can finally speak. listen, i’ve been observing u for 3 years now. what are u doing

I noticed that you’re still staring at me after I already answered your question, what can we do to stop this

Scream 1996: killer uses landline; makes it until the end

Scream 2022: killer uses Facebook, twitter, insta; gets caught immediately

When you’re shopping with your mom and accidently lose track of her

My therapist keeps telling me to stop comparing myself to other people—that life’s not a competition.

Which, to be fair, is exactly what I’d say to someone I was trying to beat, too.

Me: ugh, remakes are the worst
Friend: no way!
Me: 1920 gave us prohibition, 2020 gave us—
Friend: point taken.

“if anyone asks, i’ve been here the whole time”

Instead of racism or misogyny, why not hate the people who wear pyjamas and slippers to the airport?

I wonder if Sallys parents were like “Yeah great idea Sally. Sell seashells. On the seashore. Where there are tons of free shells. Idiot.”

I love sleeping, mainly because I get a break from sucking my gut in.

Get in loser grandma lost at bingo and has gone after the priest.

I get it garden box. If someone massaged me, gave me the best nutrients, plenty of water & let me rest in the sun, I would be capable of producing amazing things, too

It’s all fun & games till somebody has to explain to the optometrist what a golden shower is & why your eye is highly irritated.

Fluff me with a fork baby

My plan to entomb myself like a pharaoh in a pyramid stocked with everything I’ll need in the afterlife is in jeopardy because I keep eating all the Oreos.

Friend just told me she got a hair trim for $80. Told her my dog groomer would’ve bathed her, clipped nails & emptied anal glands for less.

“I’m liking where this is going” I said, pointing to a potato chip making its way toward my face.

70 percent of marriage after having kids is trying to keep the spark alive, even though that spark might want to sign a DNR.

[speed dating]
Me: Periods.
Her: Huh?
Me: Do they go inside the quotation mark or outside?
Her: In the US or the UK?
Me: Let’s get married.

You: Artfully arranges flowers in vase so the room looks nice
Me: Artfully arranges garbage in trash so the kids don’t see what I threw out

Ok but how old is your child in minutes?

My cousin just announced that he and his wife are pregnant with their second child.

I had a big announcement too, but I guess getting a 24-pack of hot dogs for $2 will just have to wait.

My teen isn’t feeling well and WebMD says imminent death but Google classroom says imminent math test.

It’s like the world is being written by a third grader now.

“Then the virus came, and then there was no toilet paper, and then schools closed, and then there was a tsunami!!!”