🎵If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my gourds🎵
~ The Pumpkin Spice Girls
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“You’ve got this,” I say to myself every time I look up something on WebMD.
*Brings Ouija board to Thanksgiving
Ouija: G O B B L E
There has never been a better time to go into a shoe store and surreptitiously stuff a note into the largest shoe you can find: “This used to be my family home, you b*****ds. Signed, Old Woman.”
My favourite kid I ever taught when I was a swim teacher was this little 4-year-old Italian boy. One time he sneezed and nobody said anything so he just went “what? No bless yous for Giacomo?”
Facebook friend: If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you-
SHUT UP, SHANNON. YOU’RE *ALWAYS* AT YOUR WORST.
Storm about to blow in, very windy, out in my yard talking to neighbor
Neighbor: *talking, shifts*
Me: *shifts, too, talking*
N: *moves, keeps talking*
M: *moves, too, keeps talking*
N: Why are you copying me? Wait…Are you using me to block the wind?
Me: Yes
N: *laughing*
Why is my phone always out of memory, I grumble to myself as I sit here deleting 500 pictures of my kid’s big toe
OPTIMIST: this glass is Half Full
PESSIMIST: this glass is Half Empty
GLASS: actually my name is Carl
Sequel to Cats (2019) called 2 Cats 2 Curious
cop: you’re coming with me
me: [being handcuffed] but i don’t even know you
cop: get in the car
me: will you take me to disneyland
cop: what do you think
me: maybe
Jennifer Lopez and Ben Affleck got engaged, broke up, married other people, had children, reunited, got married, broke up again, and I’ve been single that whole time.
My body is like my phone battery. Usually drained by 4pm.
son: dad, can you spell upside down?
dad: yes but it does make me dizzy
It really annoys me when people use the wrong word and don’t have the humidity to admit it
It seems that after checking my bank account, I need to turn to a life of crime
school taught me a lot of useless stuff but nothing tops state capitals. if i’m ever in a career that depends on me knowing where Delaware’s governor works i have made some serious missteps in life
GF: um—you said you had something important to show me
[a fat little penguin waddles by wearing a monacle]
ME: YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO WAIT
Who wore it best? #Oscars2015
ME: so I’m taking him down the hall and he’s like “have a nice day” and I’m like “you too”
OTHER DEATH ROW GUARD: omg that’s so embarrassing
Just hugged the cat and he burped. He’s taking being called “My baby” too seriously.
I want hashbrown pills.
~the guy who invented Tater tots
I saw a tweet that said they wanted their first child to be a mail and all I did was respond, ‘Keep us posted’ and got blocked
I like to keep our shades open at night to scare off any potential thieves with our mess
Someone just told me to dim the lights and called it a beauty tip.
Anyone else’s phone make a retching noise when you unlock it with face ID?
[first day as EMT]
Me: *checks pulse*
Victim’s wife: well?
Me: *shakes head*
Victim’s wife: I don’t think you should shake his head
Hey Dad,
The airport called, if you don’t
turn down your TV, they’re filing
a complaint.
Today, I want to talk about white couches and why ignoring the conventional wisdom was a terrible, avoidable mistake, Annie.
My 4yo is crying because she has outgrown her clothes during quarantine.
Same girl, same.
[1st day as police officer]
PARTNER: THAT CAR FLEW BY DOING 126 MPH! LET’S ROLL!
ME: Um, ok, but I literally JUST got this ice cream cone.