Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?

Dwayne Johnson: *sweating nervously* certainly not paper that’s for sure

its prettey gutsy that u call urself a salad, potato salad

Wife: is that our guinea pig?

Me: yes and I’ve named her gwyn

Wife: why

Me: *whispers* gwyny pig

Life is what happens when you’re busy choosing a filter for what already happened in life.

#Caturday

Don’t worry about my probation officer, he just likes to watch.

I’m gonna date the first guy to come out of this “Free STD Screenings!” van.

#goodplan

I told the 8 clowns in a tiny cop car to “clown arrest me! Take me to clown jail!” And they did. Bail has been set at 150 banana cream pies.

daughter: can i keep the night light on?

me: and provide the monsters with a beacon to your location? use your head, sweetie

UNNATURAL ~>Homosexuality

NATURAL ~> Virgins giving birth, talking snakes, dead coming back to life, walking on water.

Confused yet?

PMS: Going to the dentist?
ME: Yeah.
PMS: Gonna tell him what happened?
ME: *flashback of biting into an ice cream container*
Nah.

There’s an expiration date on this bottle of Bailey’s lmao

The Shining is on…

…can’t decide if I should watch it or just keep living it.

I hate spitting so much. In “Titanic” when Jack and Rose spit at the sea, I was done. They got what they deserved. The sea did what it had to do.

After about 15 games, I’m starting to think that none of these fantasies are going to be final.

I weighed myself today,

then I ate the scale.

I can’t work out if the pilot taxiing towards the terminal window is doing a huge yawn or his brakes have failed.

Guys! I finally dusted my bedroom! And guess what? I HAVE A NIGHTSTAND!!!

I hate how, no matter where you move, smoke from the campfire always follows you.

[ I pause upon entering the Sears Optical Department. The smoke watches me from Homewares, pretending to look at a blender ]

It’s like the only thing my kids learned from Snow White is that fruit is horribly poisonous.

Girl at restaurant: Hey, I like your shoes.

Me: Thanks! I’ll tell my feet.

[Smooth, Brian. Well done!]

Guys who resent their friends for not sharing their hair products are gel less.

Don’t regret past mistakes. All of your decisions, good and bad, led you to where you are today.

Disregard this if you are in prison.

Me: *returns from bakery with a bap, bagel, bun & cob*
Wife: What are these?
Me: The synonym rolls you asked for.
Wife: CINNAMON.

Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, unless of course, they’re feeding you kale.

I am trying to learn more about coding and some other computery type things and I think it’s been pretty neat. I see things like ‘this is a nested element’ and it’s like, yea, I like that. That element sounds cozy. I want to join it. Sit with it, talk and have some coffee.

I brought a load of laundry into the living room to fold, and my husband said, “You do this every day. I’m onto you. You just want to take a break.” So, anyway, in lieu of flowers please make a donation to the charity of your choice.

The name’s Bond, James Bond. And you are?

Me *naked, singing into a shower head*

Karaoke manager: uh, we have a mic

[restaurant]
ME: I think I’ll have the soup
HER: What soup?
ME: Not much, just ordering soup