Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Had a breakthrough with my therapist yesterday.

Never seen a man cry like that before.

3yo: Let’s have a discussion.

Me: OK, about what?

3yo: About why your hair looks like a rat slept in it. If I have to brush my hair, you do too.

Me: Okay 2 it’s time for bed
2: NO! Mommy go to bed
Me: Okay

*goes to bed

Welcome to your forties. People think you’re a great listener but really you just mastered sleeping with your eyes open.

one time for the fourth of july my dad pushed a volkswagen van filled with pop rocks into a motel pool filled with rc cola & recreated the blast that killed the dinosaurs

“I do so like green eggs and ham. Thank you! Thank you, Salmonella-I-am.”
– The breakfast that inspired Dr Seuss

i swear to god if the house of commons does not stop fighting i will turn this car around

Storm about to blow in, very windy, out in my yard talking to neighbor

Neighbor: *talking, shifts*

Me: *shifts, too, talking*

N: *moves, keeps talking*

M: *moves, too, keeps talking*

N: Why are you copying me? Wait…Are you using me to block the wind?

Me: Yes

N: *laughing*

Ice, ice, baby. Ice, ice, baby. – Me taking inventory at the cryogenic infant storage facility.

Going into a teenagers room is like going to IKEA…
You only go in for one thing, but you come out with 6 mugs, a cake tin, and a set of cutlery!

[boardroom]
“Now hear me out. They’re Teenage..”
Ok
“Mutant..”
I like where this is going
“Ninja..”
Noun me, Graham!
“Turtles”
You’re fired

A scientist has developed a pill that doesn’t make you thin, but it moves your concentrated fat to other places. I’m looking to move my belly to Massachusetts.

I’m sorry your husband gets out his guitar when guests are over and keeps playing the first few chords of Wild Thing

A new gel is being developed that could coat your stomach and stop you from getting intoxicated. It’s like the old saying “Gel before beer, you’re in the clear! Beer before gel, wait what the hell?”

Goldfish crackers are the best snack for teaching kids it’s ok to eat your pets.

If someone challenged me to a pie fight, I’d 100% choose the apple pie in the freezer.

Happy Birthday Abraham Lincoln.
If he were alive today, Abraham would be 210 years old and 77 feet tall.

This is so embarrassing, what’s your name again?

– me, the first 30 times I meet everyone

Benedict Cumberpatch’s full name is Benedictionary Cucumbercabbagepatch.

Everybody always goes on about how Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back but they never mention how long his arms were

Let he who is without sin, get the hell away from me.

My financial situation is so bad, I’M being sponsored by a child in Africa

#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?

A panda with a set of drums.

My 4-year-old’s questions while watching me put on makeup for 3 minutes:

-Why is your face melting?

-Why do you make your face look evil?

-Why are you biting your eyeballs with those scissors?

before puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the shower’

after puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the oven’

The best thing about sitting next to the white guy with dreads on the bus is no one thinks you’re the one that farted

The very first thing I think of doing when I buy a new electrical appliance is immersing it in water so I’m really glad the instructions warn against that.

PRO TIP: leave the oven on at all times in order to avoid the hassle of pre-heating

zookeeper: [putting up sign] do not feed the animals
giraffe: [also putting a sign up somehow] the zoo does not speak on our behalf

When you’re Godzilla every city is a walkable city