šµIf you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my gourdsšµ
~ The Pumpkin Spice Girls
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{Horses on a road trip passing my house}
HORSE 1: *Points at me in my yard* Human.
Somewhere in an alternate universe
If someone shows up at my house unannounced, I wonāt open the door.
I just stand on the other side of the glass shaking my head no.
My niece calls me her ankle. I call her my knees.
We are a joint family.
āAnd you sarge, got anyone special back home?ā
āAn Internet commentor. Wants me to provide facts against his point. Said heād wait for me.ā
Pulling the sword from the stone and getting immediately embarrassed, freaking out, trying to jam it back in but itās like a USB flipped over. Texting the girls āhelpā
RT if you could go either way.
My cat is walking a very fine line between being cute & being sold to the Korean restaurant down the street.
They say donāt eat when youāre bored but I never get bored of eating so I think Iām good.
Iām sorry but every time I see the words āLord Picklesā I think theyāre talking about a very fancy cat.
You learn early in life not to play around in your momās purse. Especially things that look like a little can of silly string.
The mace stays in your lungs and eyes for life.
The invention of the shovel was groundbreaking
Me: Sometimes I think I have more imaginary conversations than real ones.
Scarlett Johansson: Thatās very interesting.
I find it hilarious that this ant is pretending like he doesnāt care that I can kill him with one finger. Yea okay, keep walking tough guy.
Premarital counseling should be having the couple put together IKEA furniture with limited Wi-Fi connection. #weddingparty #romance
scientist: the universe is 14 billion yrs old
me: i believe it
waiter: this plate is hot
me: yeah right *touches it*
Wireless bra? Whatās the password?
Our youngest son graduated with a bachelorās degree in English. We bought him a car because weāre proud of him. And because heāll probably have to live in it.
doctor: now letās step over to the xray machine
ray: the what
I took a girlfriend to a fancy bakery for Valentineās and she picked out a bunch of things that she then gave to her dad because she said sugary baked goods gave her yeast infections, so really I treated her dad to a really nice Valentineās Day
me: i hate walking into a room and forgetting why iām here.. lmao
executioner: just sit in the chair
DATE: You hear that an ostrich escaped from the zoo?
ME: [from the kitchen] No
DATE: Oh. Whatās for dinner?
ME: A suspiciously large chicken
We named our beautiful daughter after my mother.
Passive Aggressive Psycho turns 22 this year!
When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, itās not so he can take a selfie with you.
I know this now.
I tried a vegan recipe book last night. It was much tastier than any of the recipes in it.
My 7yo son has learnt how important it is to spell properly after I took him to a sweatshop for his birthday, as requested.
Police Sketch Artist: How about now?
Me: Look I already told you, the fruit bowl is nice for perspective, but I wasnāt mugged by a naked guy
Just saw a dude catcall a woman with āNice heels, girlā and his friend slapped him and said āThose are knock offs, broā
People swimming in rivers: brrr itās so cold in this water I hate it
Ohioan swimmers, very clever, setting their river on fire to warm it up first: š„šššš„
You canāt scare me, I grew up on ā80s horror movies and still took a job as a camp counselor on a lake.