Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Kidnapper holding me for ransom: *handing me phone* your parents want to talk to you so they have proof you’re alive

Me: can I just text them

Whoever stacked these books is both evil and hilarious.

cat: *slowly approaches new vase*

me: you don’t wanna do that

vase: *pushes cat off the table*

me: i warned you

I was 16 when I first saw a dream-catcher, but back then everyone called them school careers advisors

How do you milk an almond?

Me: You can be anything you want when you grow up

Son: I want to be a dinosaur

Me: I meant like a job. Like you could be president.

Son: I want to be the first dinosaur president

Married girls are so lucky. They can post anything they want on here because they already tricked some dumb guy into marrying them.

As if it weren’t bad enough being stuck inside this increasingly failing meat chassis, why’s the calcium scaffolding gotta be weakening too?

Dropped a peanut butter cracker and no one came running so of course my first thought was that the dogs had been raptured.

doctors before an x-ray be like “dont worry this is perfectly safe” and then the dude goes to egypt to press a button

Relationship status: my period comes more often than I do.

I think it would be totes adorbz if I throat punched you the next time you say ‘totes adorbz’

Sorry, but your password must contain an uppercase letter, a number, a haiku, a gang sign, a hieroglyph, and the blood of a virgin.

20: sometimes you see someone so basic you just know they listen to the Beatles

Me: hey!

20: oh it’s okay for you to listen to the Beatles. You’re old

Windows: Would like to…
⚪️ Restart
⚪️ Update and restart

Me: I’d like to restart

Windows:

Scientist proclaim “This is our last hope” as they load cats into a giant old timey cannon pointed at an asteroid not hurdling toward earth.

Sarcasm so good, they think you’re being nice.

[Brings date home]
O geez did I leave all my rare, holographic Pokemon cards out on my bed again? Guess we’ll just have to lay here & battle

9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.

I don’t care if my kids are literally performing demon-summoning incantations in their rooms after bedtime as long as they stay in there.

I will straight up walk into traffic to avoid a kid selling something.

“Oooo, a window. Let’s see if I can fly through it.” – Dumbass birds

Give a man a plane ticket and he’ll fly for a day.

Push a man out of a plane and he’ll fly for the rest of his life.

I want the same thing as everyone else: to love, to be loved, to smite my enemies and to find an honest car mechanic

[inventing allergies]

god: make them feel like shit

angel: from what

god: outside

Her: pull my hair!

Edward Scissorhands: oops

Her: why oops?

what’s the point of a quarantine if I’m not going to be quarantined with my incredibly beautiful mortal nemesis for days on end until our sexual tension builds and we fall in love but before we have the chance to kiss the quarantine ends and we must go our separate ways

[making out on couch]

me: well, wanna take it a step further and see if we’re compatible 😉

date: yes 😉

me: ok let me just get… you know… from my nightstand

[coming down stairs 2 minutes later]

me: whoa *holding sorting hat* why are you naked

(husband picking me up at the airport): what’s for dinner?