Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Judge: how do you plead?

Me: like this 🙏

Me: I can’t believe I’m only discovering Fleetwood Mac now.

Girlfriend: I’ve heard Rumours

Me: No, it’s true Sandra. They’re an actual band.

😆

girlfriend: [seductively] is there anything new you’d like to try in bed
me: maybe spaghetti but I’d probably make a mess

I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.

i just foumd out that humpty dumpty is suposed to be an egg. nowhere in the humpty dumpty poem does it say that humpty dumpty is a egg

5-year-old: *walks up behind me when I’m on the computer* What game are you playing?

Me: Pay the bills.

5: Are you winning?

Me: No.

I accidentally left an open bag of birdseed on the porch, and word spread that this is the full-size Halloween candy bar house of the squirrel community.

Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.

Husband: can I have a taste?

Me, mouth full of red velvet cake: it’s really spicy you won’t like it

REASONS I’M NOT IN A BAND:

4. I don’t play any instruments
3. Band practice could affect my karate career
2. My karate rivals might hide inside our tour bus and sneak attack me as I relax
1. High risk of groupies falling in love with me and distracting me from my karate training

E-thugs. Because talking shit in person is dangerous.

Mom in the 90’s: We need to get you a light coat and warm pants for fall.

Me, showing up to school the next day:

While on a family road trip

My Kid: Dad, can I play on your phone now?

Me: for the last time, no, and stop asking

My Kid: How about at the next stop light?

Me: sure…

Narrator: The next stop light was 90 miles away, and 4 miles from their destination

*watching husband sleep*

Me: “I just love him so much, he’s my everyth-”

*husband snores*

Me: “I can’t live like this.”

[AA meeting]
Ian: …and I’ve been sober for 12 years now.

Me: Err… I’m at the wrong meeting.

*start packing up my battery collection*

I wish people would stop asking me if I’m on Twitter, clearly I’m not.

Flight attendants will honestly open a pack of m&ms and feed the entire plane with it.

Here’s your m

And an m for you

My friend had her baby at home and I can’t even give myself a manicure at home

My brother said he’d have to call me back because he had to “take a shit.” That was six hours ago. At what point should I start to worry?

Double whammy. First date is turning out to be fun & I also go to meet my hero Chris Hansen from Catch a Predator.

How awkward would it have been for coach if he put in Air Bud and they lost.

[park bench with girlfriend]
so you’re dumping me because you don’t think I’m smart?
“yes brent”
*starts raining*
great and now sky water

“Aww. You guys… And it’s not even my real birthday! #flattered .”
-Jesus

Friend: I haven’t had sex in years!
Me: meh, join the club
Friend: I haven’t had coffee in 5 days!
Me: DEAR GOD!!!

A woman at the grocery store, who upon seeing my daughter’s blue eyes asked where she got them from, looked at both me and my husband, and then actually said out loud “did the milk man visit your mom?” What the actual fuck lady.

Boomer neighbors on NextDoor: “Kids never go outside and play anymore! The parks and alleys are empty!”

Boomer neighbors IRL: “How dare neighborhood children play a game of basketball outside on a summer evening at a nice normal volume! Go inside!”

My husband just asked this southern 8 ball if I loved him. It said “bless your heart” 😆

“I’m gonna make a cool new social media site for college kids, but only for a few years. Then it’ll be a mom scrapbook” ~ Mark Zuckerberg

I always wear striped stockings in hopes someone will mistake me for a witch and drop a house on me.