Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Shout out to all the animals that help Disney princesses get shit done.

“do you have any pets”
[remembers girls like sensitive guys] a cat
“what’s his name”
[remembers girls also like tough guys] missile launcher

I’m not religious but I know there’s a hell because Monopoly exists

Onion rings.

I pick up the onion. “Hello?”

I start crying. “Bad news?” she asks, as I hang up.

“No, babe. It’s an onion.”

[Getting waterboarded]
“Um, sir the subject isn’t responding to interrogation, he’s just getting bigger”
[Me, a sponge]
“MwahahaHAHAHAA”

[Diner]

Waitress: Cops, and kids 5 and under eat for free

*me, discreetly nudging my 6 year-old*

my 6 year-old: im a police

WIFE: You said you were going to put the dog down

ME: *in tears* I TRIED BUT HE HAD SOME REALLY DEVASTATING COMEBACKS

I’ve got a bag full of stick figure stickers, and when I see an SUV I add random dudes to their families.

If Billy Joel rewrote “We Didn’t Start The Fire” about 2020, it would be a 37 hour long song.

I don’t know who needs to hear this but you’re not a savage, you’re an idiot.

Friend: You can’t believe anything in the papers these days. It’s all fake news.
Me: Even obituaries???
Friend: No, those are rea–
Me: [Already halfway down the street] Great news everyone, grandma’s alive!

Survey: How would you rate the cleaning products you recently purchased from us?

Me: I had to clean.
0 out of 5 stars.

Omg. It happened again.

I was using the flashlight on my phone. To look for my phone.

Help me 😩

ME: I thought only old people got that

DOCTOR:

ME:

DOCTOR:

ME: Oh…

Flying to China to meet my inflatable boyfriend’s parents.

Southern women don’t outright fight. We passive aggressively drive one another into the ground with compliments and trying to make the better fried chicken.

washing mushrooms is the quickest way to figure out exactly how much dirt you’re okay with eating

I don’t want a sensible dinner I want an imbecilic dinner

I told my kids to follow their hopes and dreams, as long as their hopes and dreams lead them out of my house when they’re 21.

[overhears two people taking about how difficult it is to get into Harvard] *whispers to self* Hardvard

I give it a month and all of us will have buzz cuts.

Naked and Afraid. But it’s just me using the shower at my gym.

Me: *staring at leftovers* I think I’ll save the rest of this for later.

[10 mins later]

Also me: I guess this is later enough.

I’m afraid to be cremated and have the whole place smelling like honey BBQ and bacon

I’m so jealous that guys can poop standing up

Me: if a ghostbuster dies and becomes a ghost, do they have to bust themselves

Interviewer: that’s an excellent question about the job

Me: [trying to act normal]

Nearby Person: hey man are you ok

Due to the economy, I am handing out condiment packs I have collected from my delivery orders. 🤷🏻‍♂️

A Harris-Walz ticket would be a disaster for proper usage of apostrophes in this country.

“I love Worcestershire sauce.”

“What’s so special about it?”

“It’s hard to say.”