Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Newsreader FACT: John Snow started his career at an Eskimo news channel but was let go because it took too long to introduce him.

I’m done – Now even the damn ouija board is asking me who I’m voting for in the election

My son ran away again, but it gets worse. He changed the wifi password before he left.

friend: why did you take up running?

me: *really wants to catch an ostrich* no reason

No school, Day 1

7:15am: we have puzzles, activity books, stickers… we’ll get through this!

8:03am: *googles boarding schools with no coronavirus*

I’ve had a few people tell me I should start an OF but honestly, you could just peel a potato at home and get the same outcome.

Have learned that my fully potty trained 3yo has been telling her teacher every day that she’s had an accident so that she can change out of her uniform and into her (non-uniform) backup clothes. She’s outsmarted us all. She’s a little velociraptor.

commas are like garlic, you measure with your heart

The Golden Girls is the most relatable TV show for a millenial, as I too will be renting with several roommates until I’m 80

So, nothing rhymes with orange, huh?

*changes name to MC Orange, wins every rap battle, and retires undefeated*

#RubbishJokes
My girlfriend told my that she wanted peace and quiet whilst cooking.

So I took the batteries out of the smoke alarm.

*Bites werewolf*

Me: At every sunrise you will transform into middle management.

Werewolf: No!

Me: And you will go to bed at a reasonable time…EVERY NIGHT.

The kids are in bed
It isn’t that late
But now I will pay
For all that I ate

Valentine’s day is just about a month away so if you’re in love with me, now would be the time to speak up.

Establish dominance at a restaurant by bringing your own menu.

If you pull out a knife and start sharpening it, people soon stop telling you about their plans for Valentine’s Day.

Friend: Have you ever seen a hummingbird?

Me: [trying to imagine a bird with lips]

What do you call a frog stuck in the mud?

Unhoppy.

#OneLiners #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes #F4F

This might be me.
Follow me for more tips.

It seems that after checking my bank account, I need to turn to a life of crime

My wife recently got into a minor car accident with my kids in the car. When I arrived at the scene to check on them, the policeman was super nice and gave my crying kids free ice cream coupons.

He then gave me an attitude when I asked for a coupon too.

very clever of hansel and gretel to leave a trail of bread crumbs through the forest, since that is an environment in which there are famously no bread-crumb consuming creatures.

While it may be physically possible to have a baby after 40, forty children are probably enough.

I hate when the hot person in my peripheral vision turns out to be a mannequin.

I was laughing at these nerds for wearing their backpack over two shoulders instead of one, and they got so mad they jumped out of the plane

I believe you cannot save people, you can only just love them. Which is probably why my job as a lifeguard didn’t last long.

Bout to have a wild Saturday night playing Diablo III with children til the wee hours (probably around 8pm)

[funeral]
ok I need everyone over 70 to gather for the bouquet toss

“We don’t have iced coffee”
Me: “You have coffee?”
“Yes”
Me: “You have ice?”
“Yes”
Me: “Were you raised in a barn?”

*accidentally walks into lion’s den
*goes back to party in lion’s living room