Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

goldfish memory actually lasts for months not seconds so don’t play that “I forgot about the rent” shit with me, Bubbles

[interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”

Superman: Seriously?

She texted me, “I love U”

So I texted. “I love U2….
Not their new stuff but from like the
90’s”

Now my CD’s are missing.

Weird!

This day in history. 1675. English king Charles II ordered that all coffee houses be closed because the populace was becoming alarmingly alert.

the quokka and the viscacha look like they’re on opposite ends of the happiness spectrum

Superman’s Google searches:

“Strongest hero”

“Strongest hero. Not Hulk”

“Fastest hero”

“Fastest hero. Not Flash”

“Phone booth for sale”

I was brought up in the wild by hyenas.

Times were hard, food was scarce but we had some great laughs.

Tell the guy at the first drive-thru window that you want the guy at the second window to throw your food into the car without you stopping.

DATING TIP: Hold the door for your date. Rip the door off its hinges. Use the door as a weapon to fight off other men. Establish dominance.

Quoting famous dead people on the internet is stupid.

~Confucius

The thin membrane under the shell of a boiled egg is what’s left of the rooster’s broken condom, and that was my Dad’s sex talk. I’ll always remember that Easter.

That awkward moment when the
Priest uses YOUR confession as the
theme for his sermon.

Again.

I can cook up any meal but I can’t peel boiled eggs without them looking like a toddler took bites out of them.

they smoked a joint and
overthrew the government.
now that’s a high coup

This woman at Whole Foods is choosing a bundle of asparagus more carefully than I chose my husband.

Marathon runner: I think we’re lost. Why does that sign say Grand Canyon? Are you sure this is the right way?

Lemming: Just trust me, ok?

Arriving at my funeral, you are woefully unprepared for the sight of my embalmed corpse doing full Van Damme splits between two coffins.

a true american can survive on just corn syrup and debt

Show me someone who says they like all types of music and I will show you someone who has never been on hold before a conference call.

what idiot named it jurassic world instead of parks and rex

To the person who stole my place in the queue.

I’m after you now.

the sweet sweet relief I felt at logging on and seeing 30-50 feral hogs

Very irritated daughter stomping all over the porch…

Me: What’s the problem?

Her: Dad asked me to bring him a Phillips screwdriver AND ALL WE HAVE ARE STANLEYS!!!!

Just killed an ant and I feel like for the sake of gender equality I need to kill an uncle now.

why do we park in the driveway but fetishize an impossible and ridiculous masculinity on the hemingway

Him: The last couple of years have been tough.

Me: Tell me about it!

Him: Well, two years ago I…

Me: Don’t really, though.

me: there’s a fly in my soup

waiter: quite sorry, we’ll get you another at once

me: no, just the one is enough

this is me

Me: *stopping* Siri, reroute to kitchen, there’s a traffic jam.

Siri: Step over the dog.

“Son do you know how to tell if a pineapple is ripe?”

*throws pineapple against grocery store wall*

“Ah nuts that was a good one.”