Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The older I get, the more I realize nobody is better than I am.

Except people with statues of lions outside their house. They rule.

FUN FACT: A collection of Russell Crowe movies is called a murder of movies.

Standing closer to me in line will not get you to the checkout faster.

Shout out to my kids.

BECAUSE SHOUTING IS THE ONLY WAY THEY HEAR ME.

[During a baby shower]

Me: Ooh I caught one

Wife: Put it down we can’t afford another

me: I think I left my phone charger on the plane

flight attendant: are you getting into the life boat or not

Sent my husband nudes and he asked me which mole I was worried about.

No, you try explain to a 6 year-old why Superman doesn’t wear a mask.

I know my car needs a wash and valet, but with 3 kids still at home I figure I may as well wait until the youngest moves out. She’s 7.

me: you’re only giving me this job because i’m your husband, this is nepotism

wife: shut up and take the trash out

What people don’t know about me is, when I say “No worries!” There’s a hidden comma in the middle 😓

NOBODY:

GRANDPA: *posts ‘celebrity nip slips’ on Facebook instead of into a search engine*

Everyday is talk like a pirate day if you’re committed and annoying enough

Whomever receives my blood, coagulations. Fastest indicator will be the unnatural pull to mustard pretzels.

Babies really be acting like they’re the victim of a terrible crime when really you’re just trying to put warm PJs on them so they’ll sleep comfortably.

Missed my workout yesterday which makes it four years in a row

Okay with female deers & drops of golden sun. But always felt that “La” deserved a better identity than “a note to follow So”

During my annual gynecologist visit:

Gyno: I’m going to stick this in. You might feel a little pressure.

Me: *giggling* That’s what he said.

Gyno:

Nurse:

Me: Oh shit! Did I say that out loud?

I was passing by, and I saw this guy in the bush shouting “Help, snake help”

I just laughed because I knew the snake wasn’t going to help him “

My biggest fear is a serial killer brewing a fresh pot of coffee, while I’m trying to play dead.

Me attempting to flirt: So do you like doing things?

wife: don’t let the kids see you drinking directly from the bottle

me: *putting down the ketchup* ok

my therapist: you aren’t the problem, everyone else is

me: oh wow, i’ve fooled you too

I’m bored. I’m going to text my ex boyfriends and say “I have to talk to you, it’s important” and then not answer the phone for 6 days.

3 was dragging her baby round the house yelling “we’re late for pick up!!” and “where are my keys?!” and “I need wine!!” and I don’t have a clue where she got the idea for that game

Every day I’m hoping is the day we find out why Beth from FB had enough but didn’t want to talk about it.

[6 month dentist visit]

Dentist: How often do you floss?

Me: Every 6 months

Just hiked to a waterfall in the middle of Maine and halfway through as I was starting to feel super proud about doing this somewhat difficult hike by myself a 70 year old woman passed me going the other way wearing flip flops and holding a bud light.

This could’ve been an email.

3yo hit her big sister then asked if I was calling the police. she wasn’t scared she was testing to see if I’d snitch