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If your toddler seems to hate you clap your hands
If they really seem to hate you clap your hands
If they’re only ever whining
And it makes you feel like crying
If your toddler seems to hate you clap your hands
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[March 15]
Brutus: Going 2 the senate?
Caesar: yeah u?
Brutus: yep it’ll be killer
Caesar: how so?
Brutus: like cool u know rad senate stuff
I turned out ok for someone essentially raised by Bugs Bunny.
I got a T-shirt with an Ouija board printed on the back and now I get free massages from superstitious people.
wife: do u want a glass of water?
me: of what?
wife: water
me: a glass of what?
wife: oh my god. *sighs* earth soup
Some people are scared of spiders and some people are scared of clowns but EVERYONE should be afraid of spiders dressed as clowns.
{Date}
ME: I have to warn you, I’m the jealous type
WAITER: What would you folks like?
HER: I’ll have the s-
ME: WHO THE HELL IS THIS GUY?!?
him: there is something wrong, but I can’t quite put my finger on it
me: do I need a proctologist with longer arms, then?
[my acceptance speech at the Badger Recogniser of the year award]
Me: just wanna thank-oh, theres one now
Narrator: that’s why he’s the best
Why do football players only dance when good shit happens? Just once I wanna see a QB throw an interception & do a sad, interpretive dance.
Word of the day:
Polymer – Noun – A mermaid with three boyfriends.
Critical people b like: I’m not critical, I can just see faults better.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i have a metal skeleton and metal claws
professor x: oh sry we mainly fight a guy with magnetic powers so bringing you along would be kinda stupid
me: yeah [looks at camera] that would be stupid wouldn’t it?
Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. Sweating and panting while trying to open this Amazon package, however…
Got a call saying my son got caught lying, cheating & was being expelled. I don’t have a son. That kid is one damn good liar
Children of the Corn Man
[first day as an Orderly]
*gets fired for disorderly conduct*
So you think makeup is “lying”
Sir, if you believe I was born with sparkles on my eyelids and blue lips, that’s on you
“Actually I have a lot of secs” is apparently not the right answer to “Do you have a sec?”
Just enjoy the pool, I don’t need to see a picture of your feet by it.
Being alone at Christmas can be challenging. People keep inviting you to things so you have to be very firm.
The 16yo tells me he’s been revising all day. His browser history suggests he’s got his YouTube exam in the morning.
Apparently you can be asked to leave the courtroom if you fall off your chair too many times
Teacher: What is the world’s laziest creature? You, at the back
Me, at the back: rude
Saw @justinbieber on a piece of toast. Am I going to hell?
*controversially folds piece of paper lengthwise*
Don’t you hate it when you misjudge a moment of silence and lean in for a kiss.
Worst police interrogation ever.
homeless guy said “hey there pretty lady, show me that smile, where’s that smile?” and I said “it’s at my house”
Aliens: take me to your leader
Me: Hey babe, is it okay if we have company?
Doctor: Any cancer in the family?
Me: My mom is a Sagittarius, but I’ll have to check on everyone else.
Doc: …
My spouse is “attending” a virtual conference for the next few days. To help simulate the real thing, I’ll set out a picked-over tray of mini-muffins, soggy cut fruit, and some weak coffee, and then whisk them away just as he approaches the table.