Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Murder mystery dinner]

ACTOR: The inn keeper was found mutilated in a broom closet.

ME: (from the back of the room) When’s dinner?

We say “life is short,” but really, most of us expect to die in old age. This expectation exposes our fear of death, not our understanding of life. Life doesn’t have a knowable length or a right length. It ends when it ends.

Cashier: So… you don’t want fries?

Me: No, I do.

Director: one of you actors tampered with my DNA last night!
Tom Cruise: not me, I went cruising
Elizabeth Banks: I was at the bank.
Gene Hackman: *drops test tube in surprise*

the last thing a carrot sees

Google Maps says it’s a 29 minute walk, but where’s the secret calculation for the long-legged and impatient?

[in the middle of a mountain lion attack] do not make me get the spray bottle

what if in airbud they put the dog in and they didnt win that coach would feel stupid

“Excuse the mess; we had guests,” I graciously explain, leaving out the “five months ago” part.

Knowing how to write in cursive almost feels like a secret language. I can pass notes to my wife that my kids have literally no chance of understanding, no matter how long they try to decode it.

You ever run back into a store looking for the sunglasses on top of your head?
Me neither.

“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take”

Obituary: died of Malaria, Small Pox, Polio, & the flu

genie: you have three wishes

me: make firemen ugly

genie: you got it

me: instead of sliding down a pole make them climb out of a well

genie: ok

me: take the big ladder off their truck

genie: dude what’s your problem

“The toilet’s blocked pretty bad so I called the plumber. Should be here later tod-”
[Bowser spits coffee]
“Which plumber?”

You can’t leave the aquarium with a penguin.

It’s a stuffed animal I got in the gift shop.

Ma’am, it’s moving.

I GOT IT IN THE GIFT SHOP!

People say nothing is impossible but you would be amazed at how often I do nothing.

[text]
“Hey”
Hi.
“I’m just laying in bed thinking about you.”
This is your mom.
“New phone who dis?”
Eric, that doesn’t work. You texted me.

Today, a man looked me right in the face & said “You’re not hot!”

Actually it was a cop &he said “Here’s your ticket. Have a nice evening.”

I hope in my next life I come back as a McChicken so men will look at me lovingly and also settle for me out of desperation

Oh you “like women?” Cool, name three of their early works.

😂😂😂😁😁🤣🤣

Fun Fact: If you hear small kids running around laughing hysterically, within 2 min. at least one will be on the floor crying hysterically.

Websites: “Please choose a password with 12 characters, three symbols, no spaces, no repeated letters, and nothing you’ve used in the last 6 months.”

ATMs: “Four numbers is cool.”

An episode of Unsolved mysteries, but it’s just parenting a teenaged boy and trying to figure out why you’re out of moisturizer again.

[shipwreck diary]
Day 32: a plane flew over last night but I fired the only flare on day 5 to celebrate my first solid shit in over a week

I have enough money to last me for the rest of my life…

Unless, of course, I want to buy something.

I wonder if my girlfriend jenniferbobmarklayla4362774463564636688 survived the bot purge?

This wouldn’t be taking so long if they used the metric system for counting.

she’s a 10 but excel thinks she’s an October

Bob was hungry. He ripped open a new bag of tortillas only to discover a convenient, resealable opening on the other end

Few things create body issues like a hotel pool towel