Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

To whom it may concern,

My family isn’t missing so I suspect you have the wrong address.
Please stop posting me human fingers.

Many thanks

Keen silence from a dinner guest as she looks across the living room and realizes I made her bridesmaid dress into a dog bed.

pharaoh: make my tomb a giant triangle

architect: ah yes, the triangle shape is strong and sturdy & the sides will be sloped so you can symbolically climb into the afterlife

pharaoh: [thinking about using it as a giant slide] yes

Date: Do you go camping?

Me: Our ancestors evolved in order to give us pillow-top mattresses and flushing toilets. Why would I sleep outside?

Johnny Depp could lose 250 hands of strip poker in a row and wouldn’t even have all his thumb rings off yet.

website: select a security question

me: ok

website: make of first car

me: nah

website: mother’s maiden name

me: nope

website: the number of ducks you saw that one time in camp

me: bingo

With a dog, you have a glimpse into parenting. With a cat, you have a glimpse into marriage.

A lot of people still don’t seem to get what social distancing means:
1) keeping two metres away from each other when out and about
2) disabling push notifications on the House Party app

I ordered a pair of shoes delivered to my house. I’m too excited to wait at home so I’m camping out at the end of my street. Send snacks?

“Before you embark on a journey of revenge, first dig two graves,”

I’m gonna need a lot more than that.

If I was a girl my best friend would have to come untangle me at least twice a week because I tried to take my bra off through my sleeve

“So kids, I was married to your mom & I met this girl on Twitter, we started DMing and one thing led to another”

-How I Met Your Stepmother

My daughter has decided instead of drying off with bath towels, she prefers sheets, and I love her and promised to never stamp out her individuality, but no.

*at Pearly Gates

Cat (in dog costume): Uh bark

St. Peter: Mittens, I said no

My eyelashes are like windshield wipers on my sunglasses.

Welcome to working from home. Something is now always being sawed, mowed, or jackhammered at your neighbor’s house.

Person: Have you thought about having more kids??
Husband: No, but we’ve thought about having less.

For a movie called IT, there were suprisingly few computers in it

he’s mad at me cause i keep replying “🧯” to every girl that comments “🔥” on his pictures

[dragging bathtub into the kitchen]
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Toaster cord is too short.

Asking me which one of my tweets is my favorite is like asking an Indian dad which one of his children is his favorite. I don’t think any of them are good enough.

Me: there you go babe… [lays jacket over puddle so my girl doesn’t get her feet wet]
GF: you could have used your own coat

Just injected myself with bleach and as far as I can tell nothing is hapxczfdszg vhrwxx
$&8766bfdgjkklk vbczzsawq

Me: I’m going to bed after this episode.
Netflix: Hahahahahaha! Sure. Ok.

Someone: your tweet is unnecessary

Me: *gesturing at Twitter* PLEASE TELL ME WHAT PART OF THIS IS NECESSARY I’LL WAIT

Woke last night to the sound of thunder, that last bean burrito was a blunder 🎶

Can you believe some cultures still communicate with clicky noises or primitive hieroglyphs?

*clicks keyboard furiously*
*adds 17 emojis*

Good morning to everyone except people that can tell the difference between ‘Under Pressure’ and ‘Ice Ice Baby’ as soon at the song starts.

I’d survive scream bc i don’t answer the phone ever

Why do they call it “book club” and not “no one had time to read it but we’re still gonna get together and drink club”