🎶 Hummus a tune you’re the falafel man 🎶
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I feel so good when I drink enough water. Not like, physically. I just feel like I’m better than everyone else
me: I pour my blood, sweat, and tears into every dish
health inspector: so you see why this is happening
Doc I keep throwing up
Did u eat anything odd lately
No
What about that bottle youre holding labelled “lizard juice”
You said eat, idiot
I quit cold turkey. I just reheat it now.
What is a good name for a nun in Heaven?
If you guessed “Heaven nun” or “Angel nun” you’re wrong.
The answer is “Nun of the Above”.
me: what are you doing
lawyer: [wearing a jean jacket] trust me
prosecutor: [walks in wearing two jean jackets]
lawyer: aw dude you’re going to jail
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘effusive’
“E-F-F-U-S-I-V-E”
That is correct. What was your name?
“It’s Siv”
I know lmao [hi5s other judge]
@funTweeters I am at your service….
One of my sons says he likes my new haircut, and the other will have to twirl a sign outside a Mattress Firm to pay for college, I guess.
FRIEND: What’s your favorite underground band?
ME: Hmm…The Beatles
FRIEND: They’re not really considered underground
ME: Half of them are
Chased a waterfall and caught it easily. Not really sure what the big deal is.
-currently looking for an adult
-Realizing I’m an adult
-Now looking for an older adult
-Someone successful at adulting
-An adultier adult
You: hello
Me: Ok here’s why you’re wrong
I always close the door to the bathroom even if I’m home alone. What if someone broke in and saw me peeing? That would be so embarrassing
him: *walking into the kitchen* don’t you feel guilty eating Nutella right out of the jar?
me: *licking the spoon* only if I can’t finish the jar
He went from scream to scary movie in seconds😭
If I turned into a “teen wolf” my first order of business would definitely be helping my basketball team get to the local championships!
My daughter cuddled into me and said she loves me, which I thought was really cute until I realised she was stealing my muffin
Always hide you prescription bottles from your medicine cabinet so ppl don’t know how crazy you are. Also, you’re now out of xanax.
I delete my mistakes so now my kids live in constant fear.
I plan to scary-haunt anyone who says “she wouldn’t want us to be sad” at my funeral. If you’re not sad that I’m gone forever you deserve it
Wanted: 6 people to dress up as Zombie Teletubbies and join me in a circle howling at the moon in my neighbor’s arbory
No weirdos
If we all just agree, this could be a 3 day weekend too
if Yoda asks for chocolate milk, do you get him a drink or a candy bar???
im not former gifted student. i am still gifted. put me in a fourth grade class i’ll annihilate them all like i did the first time
“Sorbet” is a French word that means, “I wish it was ice cream.”
No disrespect to the Jurassic World franchise, but the scariest dinosaur is purple and claims he loves me and is part of my family.
He died doing what he loved: typing his symptoms into WebMD instead of going to the doctor
I have decided to keep my uncomfortable home office chair
This encourages me to spend less time in it
If anyone asks I got this cardigan from a vending machine