Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

They say, “don’t hate the player, hate the game,” but I’ve got enough hate to do both.

Traded my Fitbit in for a Sitbit

“your sock has a hole in it” yeah no shit that’s how i get my foot in there linda

The bouncer used to check the lining of my hat for weapons when I walked into a bar and now they have entire axe throwing ranges that serve alcohol

I’m sorry but I CANNOT believe that the verified Nickelodeon TikTok posted this

“Mmmmm hmmmm! I herd that!”
– a sassy shepherd

Wife: Can you turn on the oven?

Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of oven]

Wife: why for everything

[skydiving with my dog]
Me: ur ears r inside out
My dog: can’t hear u my ears r inside out
Me: it’s the wind
My dog: I think it’s the wind

This election could drag on for days. Unless someone captures the Snitch, then it ends immediately.

When smothering somebody, make sure not to use a memory foam pillow because it could testify against you in court.

“Welcome to the jungle”
Thanks.
“We’ve got fun and games”
Cool.
“You’re in the jungle”
We’ve established this
“You’re gonna die!”
Wait what?

Complete list of all the words I know to “The Macarena”:

1- Hey

2- Macarena

I put up Diwali lights, and can’t wait to flex on other dads by telling them I’m all set for Christmas

I dropped my popcicle in the tub. I’m awfully sad. It was banana. Now it just tastes like bubble bath.

*getting murdered*

wait stop moving. im trying to get the dog filter on both of us

‘I can quit anytime I want’ I mutter to myself everyday on my way work.

Well, you know when you start cooking something & go to check Twitter real quick?

Fireman: ….

{Twirls hair} Can I try on your fancy hat?

Cardio? Is that in Spain?

The mailman asked me to stop my dog from barking and not sure why he thinks I’d side with him, the guy that brings me bills and catalogues I hate, over my dog, the guy that is the most handsome boy in the entire world.

Sorry I’m late, my toddler declared independence.

Someone in their late 20s giving advice to someone in their early 20s is exactly like when a toddler is obsessed with a newborn

*firefighter wraps me in blanket after he rescues me*
Um I just came out of a fire so I’m pretty hot actually

Your pancakes will never taste as good as the ones your mother made because those pancakes had a secret ingredient, which is that you were six years old.

damn even trashcans have a better love life than i do

There should be a product swap booth on the way into Costco, you can bring the massive package of snacks that your kid used to like and exchange it for the huge box of snacks that some other kid has rejected

So in conclusion, the zoo would not adopt my children.

Review of “grandma”: slow, slow-witted, terrified of technology, can’t bench for shit, no karate, basically racist ★☆☆☆☆

cat: *rolls over on back* pet my belly

me: no i know this is a trap

cat:

me:

cat:

me: fine *goes to pet belly*

cat: *claws & bites my hand* hahah have some scratches, as a treat you stupid idiot

Just spent 3 hours doing yard work *

* Looking for my gloves in the shed