🎶 I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly
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Dear women, when you’re not around we load the dishwasher properly.
If stores want to accurately display clothes for people over 40 the mannequins should be laying on a couch after 5PM.
I just walked up three flights of stairs really fast, so if anyone needs me, I’ll be dead at the top of the stairwell.
Me: why are you not drinking your milk?
3: it’s too cow-ey
Just heard a woman say, “I never give my dog medicine I haven’t tried first” and her friend responded, “oh, Janet, no.”
every time I try to lay down for a bit it’s someone in a group text’s birthday
Why does my 2yo insist on looking homeless when we leave the house?
Schrodinger’s Immigrant: A person who is simultaneously too lazy to work, but is also stealing your job.
Linda from the office calls it a shawl but I know a shitty cape when I see one.
Just enjoy the pool, I don’t need to see a picture of your feet by it.
-Waiter please, I’ll have a Sprite, thank you.
-Sorry we only have Coke.
-OK an eightball then.
Being the father of teenagers means never trusting the tops of salt shakers ever again.
I have a hard time telling the difference between 21 Dragons and Imagine Pilots.
Nice beard bro looks like you just ate a bunch of lollipops then made out with your cat
HOPE: why did you name me Hope
MOM: you were our hope for the future
DESPERATE ATTEMPT TO SAVE A LOVELESS MARRIAGE: what about me
MOM: same
i like to flex on them by shrugging
fiancé: please take off my bra and my skirt
me: *seductively takes off her bra and her skirt*
fiancé: if i catch you wearing my stuff again, i swear to god i’m gonna murder you
me: do you still remember your wedding vows?
wife: I do
me: [shaking head] no it was more than that
Necrophiliacs love going out on expiration dates.
If all lyrics were as profound as “I got soul, but I’m not a soldier” by The Killers…
5. I got hips, but I’m not a hipster
4. I got toes, but I’m not a toaster
4. I got hooves, but I’m not a hoover
3. I got badge, but I’m not a badger
1. I got meow, but I’m not a homeowner
wife: can you check something on my phone for me
me: sure what’s your passcode
w: our anniversary
m:
w: ANNIVERSARY
m: [sweating profusely]
Wife: I think the washer went out
Me: What time will it be back?
Wife: Please get my suitcase
So apparently not every chubby guy with a mustache is named Mario. My bad, dad.
POLICE! OPEN UP, WE KNOW YOU’RE IN THERE. WELL, WE DON’T KNOW BUT WE’RE KINDA HOPING YOU ARE COS IT WAS A LONG DRIVE & JIM NEEDS TO PEE.
If my dog knew how many photos I have of him sleeping, he’d file a restraining order against me.
Waiter: I see that your glass is empty, would you like another one?
Me: Why would I want two empty glasses?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
A fortune cookie told me I’d receive an important message soon.
The message in the bottle told me the fortune cookie was poisoned.
I think it’s sad that getting married is one of the only ways to guarantee somebody will be forced to make a speech about how great you are
Applied for a “meditation class” but missed out the first T on the enrolment form, so now I’m studying to be a marriage guidance counsellor.
Typos are dangerous, you guys.
(holding a pickle like a cigarette) do you mind if i?