Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dr: do you know why you gained weight?

*Flashbacks to eating fries in the car sobbing and blasting Adele*

Me: no, better run some tests

Never thought I’d be THAT person, but here I am, 40 years old, wondering why the hell my neighbor’s kid has friends over OUTSIDE at 10 pm on a school night. And you better believe I looked up the noise regulations in our area.

God: How’s it going on Earth

Angel: They made a mayonnaise flavored ice cream

God: Send a flood. Send several floods

[being strangled]

me: wait stop

murderer: what

me: did u wash your hands

I don’t honk at women because I don’t let a girl know she’s attractive with the same thing I use to scare ducks from in front of my car.

Mom: my friend wants to set you up with her son, he runs a hedge fund
Me, who heard hedgehog fund: that sounds adorable

Me: I’m not interested in this tweet
Twitter: Idgaf

Fell down the stairs and my 5yo complained, that it was so loud. I told him, i would fall more quietly next time and he looked at me like i was very stupid and said”Just don’t fall at all!” I was glad that he provided this solution!

ever get so drunk you discover the next day you’ve legally changed your name to celine dion?

unrelated—anyone know how to legally unchange your name?

dm celine dion, please.

Word!

me: family! regale me with tales of your day!

5: good

2: yes

hubs: same

I listen to Ed Sheeran in the same way I stuff an entire cupcake in my mouth over the sink hoping no one will see.

If you start smacking people with your wife’s purse she won’t ask you to hold it for her anymore

mad respect to the toddler that stuck their head under the gas station bathroom stall today to say hey

Eating fried cheese is the closest i’ve gotten to doing heroin.

They’re called violin bows not fiddle sticks.

love dating someone really offline because I can blatantly pass off various other people’s tweets as my own jokes

Everybody always says say “No!” to drugs, but I’m thinking that if you’re talking to drugs, it’s too late

cicadas cotton eyed joe
🤝
where did they come from?
where did they go????

Wife: You never listen to me
Me: Of course I do

[2 hrs later]

Neighbor: Is your wife home?

Me: No, she took the car to get waxed in Brazil

So lemme get this straight. Han Solo can understand Chewbacca just fine but at age 900, basic English grammar still goes over Yoda’s head.

Awkward silences? No problem. Just start beatboxing. Does it make things any less awkward? Absolutely not. But it eliminates the silence. Now it’s just awkward beatboxing. You’re welcome.

might be residually stoned but i keep reading “moonfall” as “moo ‘n fall,” which sounds like the cow version of a slip ‘n slide, and god as much as i love disaster movies i’d much rather see cows having fun

Don’t forget to hug your friends. They might be hiding a burrito from you, so get a good feel

Boss: This is the 3rd time I’ve seen you slacking off today. Do you know what that means?

Me: You want me to move the couch into my office?

Welcome to your 40’s. Your body now involuntarily makes haunted house sound effects.

What’s Ticketmaster’s favourite Christmas song?

Fleeced Navidad

#GoldCrackers

dinosaur: omg a meteor

t-rex clark kent: *desperately trying to remove his glasses with his tiny arms*

2yo: Me sick *sneezes in my face*

Me: Oh good, what fun plague am I going to catch now?

Him: *stares at my face
Him: *points to his lips
Me: *OMG He loves me & wants to kiss!
Him: “you have mayo on your face”

Me: *dies alone