Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

find these 10 emoji for no good reason

All it took was a skirt and one strong gust of wind and all of a sudden, my spirit animal is Hello Kitty.

wife: You’re home early
me [hugging the dog] I had to see you

My niece just said “Birds live in a birdhouse & we live in a people house!” Cute, huh? Wrong; my niece is 26 & on trial for manslaughter.

People are all like “STAY OUTTA MY LIFE GOVERNMENT” and then they shut down and people are all like “COME BACK IN MY LIFE GOVERNMENT”

[guy chasing me with a chainsaw]
lol this idiot thinks im a tree

No fruit flies.
No fruit flies.
No fruit flies.

[buys a single banana]

87,000,000 fruit flies.

The biggest lie from my childhood was “Anti-Skip Protection” on my Sony Disc Man.

*licks lips*
Me: “Do that thing I like babe.”
Him: *orders pizza*

Wins the Internet today. Night, all…

When some crows unintentionally come together to form a group, that’s called a manslaughter.

[at the mechanic]
mechanic: what is the problem
me: my car

Got excited to check out the new place called Juicy Ladies and was very disappointed it was just a juice bar.

Mom said I should only date “a good man” and I was like HEAVENS TO BETSY I WISH I HAD KNOWN THIS PERTINENT INFORMATION BEFORE NOW.

When I go shopping I like to buy condoms and cat food at the same time just to confuse the cashier.

[text message]

Coworker: Can I call you quick?

Me: No, that’s what my wife calls me

I tried memorizing the names of British currency but after a while, I quid trying.

People that start a sentence with “Now I’m not trying to be rude” are either about to be rude, or about to sing Ignition by R Kelly.

What happens when Christopher’s car breaks down?

Christopher Walken

Tonight was supposed to be date night but instead I’m heading to the grocery store because my wife just texted me an eggplant emoji.

Fashion designers:
What do you want?

Women: uniform sizing across brands.

Fashion designers:
Bwahahaha!

HR said I have to stop yelling “let’s make a baby” every time I want to collaborate on a project with someone.

This Obama guy is the worst rapper ever.

I went into my local bookstore and asked for a book on turtles ?? The assistant said. Hardback. I said. Yeah, with little heads.

Here’s a tip how about designing a Band-Aid that you can open before you bleed out WHAT AN IDEA

I once challenged Snoop Dogg to a rap battle and the loser had to change their name.

[on a date at butterfly conservatory] they serve the best wings here

My teen left her phone at home when she went to school so unfortunately she can’t text me if she needs anything. Fortunately she also can’t text me if she needs anything.

“I’d totally have sex with that guy if he just roared his engine louder!”

-nobody