Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Time is of the essence”

Twitter: Hahaha nope

Ate a moldy blueberry.
Thought of you.

AXL ROSE: Where do we go? Where do we go now? Where do we go-o-o-o?
GOOGLE MAPS: Shut up for a minute and I’ll tell you

I wonder if Pink’s parents are named Red and White.

if you ever wanna impress a girl just bring a baby on your date and then basically just outperform the baby at everything it’s really easy

My ex wife has the only copy of our wedding video, can’t see myself getting married again.

wife left me because I wouldn’t stop referring to bread as “acoustic toast”

MURDER HORNET: 2020 is my year

BRAIN-EATING AMOEBA: hold my contaminated tap water

Tweet about drinking too much = 50 quick likes

Facebook about drinking too much = A phone call from my mom

I don’t moan during sex, I prefer to yodel.

[describing criminal to sketch artist]
No, he could speak more languages than that. He had racist shoulders. His front teeth were impatient.

WIFE: I love you
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: Actually it’s just emotional comfort after years of being toget-
WIFE: *packing* I’ll be at my mothers

I start conversations with my children by saying “Listen to me,” to ensure they stop paying attention from the beginning.

Me: Ah, the elusive white penny

Cashier: That’s a button

I’m thinking about getting an arm tattooed on my snake.

Hi Barbara? Yeah I just saw the posters you put up and no, I have not seen your cat but I’d love to. Is now a good time to come take a look?

The new deodorant I bought doesn’t tell me how many hours of coverage it provides. I’m a ticking time bomb over here.

[At party]
Wife: Don’t pretend you’re deaf again, so you don’t have to talk to people
Me [in sign language]: What?

ME: I’ve eaten a lot of spicy food

GF: If u eat too much of it, u lose your sense of taste

ME [watching Adam Sandler] haha he is so funny

Me, 48 hrs after agreeing to let shit go: “Okay, lemme ask you somethin-“

My daughter told me I was a dumb piece of poop today

Feeling grateful for all the years I spent in college and my response was, “ well so are you”

Sadiq’s joke in today’s Time Out 👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼

Was bored so Applied for a dentist job at some clinic. I have an interview this week😭
I HAVE NEVER BEEN TO MED SCHOOL😭

What idiot called it Oktoberfest instead of Octo-Bar?

Him: “You’ll never find another guy like me.”

Me: “That’s kind of the point.”

Roses are red
Violets are blue

I see your baker’s dozen and raise you a mom’s dozen (11 because you ate one when the kids weren’t looking)

Got banned from another museum for trying to jump into the paintings.

I lost my job because my manager heard me slapping one of the customers. He wasn’t even at work. He heard from home.