Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[first date]

him, a cop: so tell me about yourself

me: not without my lawyer present

*walks into interview*

Thanks for coming in today. I’m Mr. Maballsonya, but please call me Phil.

*walks out of interview*

#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?

A panda with a set of drums.

I refuse to eat the food I just begged for.

-Kids

Me: *shoots gun*
Cop: you’re under arrest for murdering a gun

I have the ambition and optimism of Wile E Coyote and also the success of Wile E Coyote.

Opened the lint filter on my dryer after washing my dog’s bedding and another dog fell out.

Nothing creates permanent frown lines quite like receiving anti-aging skin products as a birthday gift

My Darling Petunia,

It’s been three days since the plane went down. I’m not sure a rescue party has been sent out, and I’ve seen no islands towards which to paddle. I briefly thought I saw Tom Hanks, but it must be my mind playing tricks on me. I fear my goose is cooked.

[team tryouts]
Coach: You really knocked that one out of the park.
Jimmy: Thanks Coach!
Coach: This is tennis.

Texting drivers running over texting pedestrians: a modern day zombie apocalypse.

Life hack: Stop looking for love in Tinder or Twitter. Try Linkedin, at least you know they’d all have a job.

If the headline just read “Kanye West Acts Like a Shithead,” news sites could reuse it over and over again.

I mean, I had to pay a gym membership so technically they’re not really free weights.

[After performing the Dirty Dancing lift at our wedding]
ME: Well that sure impressed them!
WIFE [gasping for breath] You’re getting heavier

If I ever make plans with you, please have backup plans.

I like long, romantic walks away from women that try catching the bouquet at weddings

Five Guys: that’ll be $75

Me: [just won the lottery] put another guy in there

Reporter: How has winning the lottery changed your life?
Me: [chasing a raccoon with nunchucks] I can finally afford to do the things I love

My kid wants to be Batman so bad he bought us opera tickets in a bad neighborhood.

I have two things hanging up in my office:

1. Pictures of my family
2. Generic emails from HR about things I specifically know I did

It’s really disturbing how that bear family in those Charmin commercials are so open with each other about shitting.

I yelled at my wife “Your skirt is way too short”

She replied, “That’s because it’s made for a woman. Now take it off & give it to me”

Voting has begun in Russia’s presidential election. Results will be known last week

Someone invented a yoga mat that rolls itself. If that person reads this tweet, I have a fitted sheet I’d like for you to look at.

Stop fussing over whether the glass is half full or half empty and just marvel at the fact that I managed to produce that much discharge.

If the world made any sense, all sperm whales would be male.

ㅤ

Good News: Got rid of the skunk smell on the cat using hydrogen peroxide, dishsoap & baking soda
Bad News: the cat now looks like Billy Idol

I’m not the prettiest girl, or the smartest, I don’t have a perfect body, and this started out as a tweet but is now my suicide note.