Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

R.I.P. 2024 (2024 – 2024)

[in the driveway]

It’s not sporty, but it looks efficient. How many miles per gallon do you get in this bad boy?

Pizza delivery boy (getting out of his Prius): …wuh?

Now that replies are broken this feels like a good time to let everyone know that I’ve always thought Buffalo sauce is sour trash.

As a girl who grew up with an annoying little sister the most unrealistic thing about Frozen is how Elsa never tried to kill Anna on purpose

If zombies ever attack just go to Costco, they have walls, years of food and supplies, and zombies can’t get in without a Costco membership

The worst part of working remotely is the lack of structure. No one staring at me and tapping their watch if I take a long lunch. Unlimited bathroom breaks. Humans are not meant to live this way

Don’t date a man expecting to change him. At the end of the day he’ll still be a man, and you’ll have wasted your black candles and a goat.

Waiter, there appears to be a red bandana in my turtle soup.

The crappy spread on the sandwiches totally ruined the funeral reception I was at yesterday. I told them “I can’t bereave. It’s not butter”.

If you ever get locked out of your house, talk calmly to the lock.

We all know that communication is the key.

ODE TO TWITTER

🎶Twinkle, twinkle little star,
How I wonder where you are,
Twitter changed you to a heart,
I don’t think they’re very smart🎶

When someone asks me for directions, I always use the metric system just to mess with them.
“Drive 4 liters that way…”

[looking at an old pic of me and my wife in college]

Me: Wow, you used to be hot

Wife: *death glare*

Me: …but not as hot as you are now

Him: Who are you supporting in the World Cup?

Me: Hogwarts.

Went on a date once.

He ordered for me, “She’ll have a small side salad.”

I said, “Yes, and a side of sirloin and a loaded baked potato.”

Whenever I meet one of my 15 y/o’s bf’s, I always ask “Have you ever taken karate?”. “No sir”. “Well u fuckin better” !

Good parenting 101

detective: dammit *slams fist on table* tell me where he is

me: [confidently] the Fourth of July picnic

detective: but where exactly?

me: *holding where’s waldo book* oh i’m gonna need more time

Why do parents train babies to peek with the game peekaboo but then spend the remaining childhood telling them not to peek?

I heard fish is good for your brain but now I can’t get the smell out of my hair

The pharmacy will look you straight in the eye with no line of people and tell you it will be 20-30 minutes for them to take some eye drops off the shelf behind them and put them in a little bag.

it be like that

Caller ID isn’t enough for Me I need to know why you’re calling.

If you can moonwalk out of a police station without bumping into anything they have to drop all charges.

This guy in my living room must think I’m an idiot, he says he picked my lock but I distinctly remember choosing it at the store by myself.

My daughter told me she wants to be a secret agent. Based on that alone, I don’t think she’d be a good secret agent.

[first day as a detective] I can’t remember where I parked my car

An hourglass timer, but it’s just my 7yo slowly pouring sand from his shoe when we’re running late.

So many chores, so many kids to do them for me

How to have a good marriage:
1. Hold hands
2. Cuddle
3. Take out the trash like I have been telling you to do ALL DAY Craig