🎶 It was an itsy bitsy teenie weenie 🎶
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I miss my kids the most when they go to bed and the mosquitoes go after me because they have no other options.
HER: but you can’t leave me – I’m carrying your baby!
HIM:
HER:
HIM: actually, that’s how babysitting works. I’ll be home in 2 or 3 hours
i watch horror movies on the toilet so i can be scared shitless
The @NewYorker buying Twitter ads to promote its article about how Twitter is dying kind of undercuts the thesis
me: could my thighs get any bigger? *sits down* me: oh look now they’re the size of Australia
A lonely rooster sees neon sign flashing HOT CHICKEN STRIPS, walks into Popeyes and cringes in horror as he drops his dollar bills
new wife guy just dropped
My favorite part about sci-fi movies is when all aliens and people from other worlds only speak English
A show I auditioned for premieres tonight so we should be filming my scenes any minute now.
i thought lingerie was a type of noodle
Whenever I’m willing to sell my soul, there’s usually food involved.
Golf is my favorite sport for getting your spouse out of the house for hours on end
Does anyone else still miss that part of the pandemic where it was illegal for anyone to come near you?
Asking for a friend. x
Percentage of men in the world with blue eyes: 8%
Percentage of men in romance books with blue eyes: 99.9%
If you’re blowing a horn at me, you’d better be in a band.
Me: Forever young!
Persistent middle age chin hair: lol nope.
Muscle pulled when reaching for the tv remote: hahaha.
9-year-old: Sorry I stayed up past my bedtime last night.
Me: You stayed up past your bedtime?
9: No.
I don’t want well-wishes for international women’s day, I want a dragon.
HARRY POTTER: Alohamora
MORA: Aloha, Harry
A smartphone that waits 20 seconds after you unlock before showing you notification indicators so it doesn’t distract you from going to do the thing you opened it for in the first place for so long you forget what it was.
I’ve got two tickets to paradise.
Oops. One’s just a parking ticket.
Here. You can have that one.
went to the supermarket with my 3 kids and was buying 24 beers and someone said ‘isnt that too many?’ so i said ‘yes’ and put one of my kids on the shelf and they called security
“Sorry, kids, put them back in the car. I guess you can grab the frisbee while you’re there.”
Amidst a decrease in airfare prices, WestJet has hiked the cost of checked bags and Flair has added a new credit card fee. Thankfully, Air Canada has stepped up and is offering an additional 50% off of your legroom!
My waterproof phone is advertised in commercials with people surfing and kayaking and here I am tweeting in the shower.
get yer dragons here! get yer dragons… I have menthol and non-menthol, get yer dragons!!
Thank you corporation very cool
On the toilet for 20 minutes. Wish you were here.
My roommate thinks our house is haunted but in the 182 years I’ve lived here I’ve not encountered any problems 🤷🏻♀️
Pro Tip: don’t fall asleep during the middle of an argument with your spouse over whether or not you pay attention to her.