🎶 It’s raining yen. Hallelujah, it’s raining yen
– Winners of the Japanese lottery, probably
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Not just pizza, pineapple also belongs in spaghetti & meatballs
God: *twisting an owl* I can’t get this damn jar open
“You looked stressed”
Me: “Thanks, it’s probably all the stress”
American Diner: How’d you like your eggs?
American: 2 egg golds, 2 egg blankets, Over – under, flip cut, tray wide smooth, smiley side West.British Cafe: Eggs?
British Person: please.
greatest 45 seconds in cinematic history
Once in third grade I karate kicked at a popular girl because she was making fun of me and my shoe flew off and went directly into her mouth. So, yes, I guess you could say I know a thing or two about martial arts.
i want that job where u push scared skydivers out of the plane
As a kid my favorite part of the school year was emptying the coat closets that last week. Forgotten clothes. Abandoned book bags. And especially that brown bag terrarium that was once a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.
According to the 5-second rule, if you drop your baby, you can eat it–so long as it’s within 5 seconds.
“yeah that IS strange they only filled the fries and shakes halfway” I say about the food I brought home for my kids.
If we are eating peas and one falls in the floor my husband can’t wait to say someone “pead on the floor”
Fact: kangaroos will carry their children in their pouches until the kids demand to be dropped off a block before their destination so as not to be embarrassed in front of their friends.
Part of being a woman means you can break your leg or be having a cardiac arrest & a nurse will still ask when your last period was.
White people don’t dance at concerts so they can save all their energy for the “Woo!” at the end of a song.
Shout out to my kids because THEY AREN’T LISTENING!!!!
[David Attenborough watching me when I overslept and have 5 minutes to get ready for work]
Extraordinary.
I have decided to leave my past behind me.. so If I owe you money..I’m sorry. but I’ve moved on.
Don’t tell your friend you like her sweater unless you mean it; she might knit you one.
My husband asked if I had a new year’s resolution and I told him it was to not yell at the kids and then we both fell about laughing
Careful, that’s a load-bearing delusion
My phone autocorrected my name to shark and now I hate my parents for not calling me shark
17 year old me: *catches Bret Michaels’ sweaty bandana and stuffs it in my mouth*
Todays me: *carries hand sanitizer because of door knobs*
Millennial: Pics or it didn’t happen
Great Grandfather: World War II is well documented Ryan
me: [putting hand on widow’s shoulder] this fell out of the casket
Is it just me or does this cat look like someone’s grandpa
When people on House Hunters complain about the color of the room are they not aware of the miracle that is paint?
Hello, I’ve finished my free trial of adulting and I’m no longer interested. I’d like to cancel my subscription. Is there a manager I can speak to?
*falls on hard times*
Hard times: Get off me.
hey boy 😉 is that a gun in your pocket or are you just pleased to see m- oh, it is a gu- yes i will open the cash register
“I’ll see you in hell” should be followed with “and I won’t even stop to say hi”. Otherwise you’re just making plans with someone you hate