🎶 It’s raining yen. Hallelujah, it’s raining yen
– Winners of the Japanese lottery, probably
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called my horse mayo cause mayo neighs
…żyje?
Me: “watching an exercise reel on instagram” I could do that
My body: are you serious? have you seen us?
I’m at my most walk of shame when I’m wearing sweatpants heading back to the buffet for the third time.
My children can go an entire day at home without a glass of water but only 30 seconds in the car before dehydration sets in.
My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard.
<— only has 13 problems left.
Turns out, getting divorced cured 86 of em!
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
why worry about today when you can worry about the past present and future simultaneously like a nervous god
“The following program is intended for mature audiences only”
Me: *leaves room
*saves baby from burning building*
“How can I ever repay you?!”
Favstar in the bio
“Oh I don’t have Twi-”
*returns baby to burning building*
6: Mom will you play with me?
Me: Sure buddy
6: Yay! Okay you can sit right there, you don’t even have to get up!
Me: ʸᵒᵘ’ʳᵉ ᵐʸ ᶠᵃᵛᵒʳᶦᵗᵉ ᵏᶦᵈ
I wore a training bra for years and these things still don’t listen to a word I say
me and my buddies are playing “soup fight”. that’s where we each embody a different vegetable and get in a nice hot tub together. and then we fight
The one upside to triplets is that you finally have enough babies to juggle
*calling my dealer* yeah i’ll take two boxes of thin mints and a box of tagalongs
someone dropped a taco in front of my dog last night and he dove after it like he was a secret service agent tackling a potential threat
[seeing a gumball machine full of bees]
give me a quarter
WORM: Why do caterpillars think they are better than us?
OTHER WORM: *is drowning in a very shallow puddle*
Mathematically there’s a very small percentage of the cat that is claws although she so often makes it seem otherwise.
I am a wild, sexually-charged woman in my prime. I know exactly what my body needs & just how to get it.
*goes to bed at 5pm*
A new study shows that drinking two to three coffees a day can lower the risk of heart problems. Because who has time for heart problems when they have constant daytime stress diarrhea?
The average person eats 8 spiders a year
*eating 2nd bowl of spiders*
“WHO’S AVERAGE NOW DAD?”
Me: I’ve got a 12 pack in the fridge
Him: Toss me a cold one
*Lettuce and cheese fly everywhere as the taco hits him square in the chest*
Day 1: Brad wears no pants
Day 2: Brad wears no pants
Day 3: Brad wears no pants
…
…This is just a bottomless Pitt
If a woman asks you to buy her a flamethrower ask yourself some questions before you buy it.
My 10 y/o likes pineapple “as long as it’s not the pineapple kind of pineapple.” We’ve entered a new front in her War Against Fruit.
Imagine me riding a bike.
Wrong.
There’s no seat.
God inventing dogs like “what if your best friend sometimes pooped in your living room and ate your shoes?”
‘I just need like two minutes!’
~me, lying