Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m opening a healthy alternative all egg-white omelet breakfast joint.

I really think my “Whites Only!” restaurant idea will be a hit!

If Trump wins the presidency, you know who’s gonna be the most excited about buildin’ a Southern border fence? Canada.

I wish I had the confidence in humanity that Guinness had when they bought a 9,000 year lease.

The tooth fairy forgot to come last night. Luckily she woke in a panic at 5 am and visited in the nick of time.

*first day of umpire school*

Teacher: You seem disappointed, is there something wrong?

Me: *wearing fake fangs* no no it’s fine

Vegetarians live up to nine years longer. Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, baconless, cheeseburgerless, meatless years.

For a place called a “holding cell” people sure hate to cuddle.

mom: you’re 42 years old I’m not reading you a bedtime story every night

inventor of the audiobook: if you won’t, I’ll find somebody who will, Ma

Crossfit is the healthiest way to get rid of your friends.

Took the batteries out of the carbon monoxide alarm because the loud beeping was giving me a headache and making me feel sick and dizzy.

Nothing like sitting on a chair at your kid’s school to inspire you to never eat cookies again.

Spent 10mins fighting a spider last night before finding out it was a flake of cardboard

I’m fine

I had a lazy eye as a child and now the rest of my body has caught up.

April Fool’s Day pregnancy jokes stopped being fun when my parents started getting excited instead of scared.

Meet Sugar, she doesn’t like to be ridden. If Sugar is approached with a saddle she lyes down and pretends to be asleep. Sugar refuses to open her eyes until the riders leave.

I wonder if those folks that wrote “Never change!” in my yearbook regret their choice of words.

I feel bad for tailgating this minivan so closely but once I started watching Kung Fu Panda on his back seat TV I had to see it through.

Just overheard at the library:

“This is a place of learning. I don’t understand why shoes are required!”

i love making the whole conversation so awkward that the most anyone can say after is “so yeah…”

Blues songs are about being sad, which is why so many of them begin with “I woke up this morning.”

Back in the old days you had to settle for someone within a 50 mile radius to love. Now with social media the whole world can disappoint you.

Be the chaos you wish to see in the world:

wanton disregard: extreme lack of care for the well-being or rights of another individual

wonton disregard: using wontons as the target at a shooting range

friend: I was named after my father

me: *aware of how time flows* correct

I’ve reached the age where good or bad news from friends produce the same reaction: I should make them a casserole. I have officially become my grandmother.

Without freedom of speech we wouldn’t know who the idiots are!

me: [raises hand]
my date: again, that’s not necessary

My partner is a nurse and I met her at a hospital I visited to fix a broken nose. I told her I broke my nose during a fight protecting my best friend. In reality though, I had gone out for a jog and decided to close my eyes for 10 seconds and ran face first into a tree.

We have a big clock on the wall of our living room and now my toddler, who can’t say her L’s very well, loves pointing out other “big clocks” everywhere we go