🎶 Take me down to the cubicle city where the boss is mean and the pay is shitty 🎶
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He was a man of peace…until they burned down his village. Now, the quest for vengeance has turned him into…A Man Of Burning Things Down
I wanna get HAMMERED tonight.
Seriously?
Yeah, drunk as hell, bro.
Riiight. Of course, of course. *quietly slides hammer back into sleeve*
My 5/o just said “That’s Classic!!” WTF is classic to a 5 y/o? Blues Clues??
Hearing deteriorates as we get older. So why with every new year does the sound of someone eating become louder & more annoying?
Presidential election season; that special time every four years when we find out who we just really shouldn’t be friends with anymore.
The most romantic movie of all time is definitely Pixar’s UP. That old man really loved his house.
Like many men my age, my biggest regret is hiring the inexpensive hitman.
“It’s gonna taste really good.” – excerpt from the guide What To Expect When You’re Expecting Pizza
JOB INTERVIEWER: it says here ur a postmodern deconstructivist…?
ME: did ur parents realy name u ‘Job’? especialy with a last name like urs?
my google searches after a couple nephews came over for lunch
– when did competitive farting become a thing
– can humans or dogs die from fart clouds
– bean-free chili recipes
[Spelling bee]
“Your word is DEFLECTION”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“Can YOU use it in a sentence?”
“Do not touch” must be one of the most terrifying things to read in braille
BILLION DOLLAR IDEA
A giant cinnamon roll that you sleep in, that becomes warm and edible when it’s time to wake up
Good news: He told me I was his penguin.
Bad news: Penguins only have sex once a year.
I took your advice and worked smarter not harder. Now I’m going to need your advice on a good lawyer.
My son just said, “Peace on Earth, goodwill to men,” and shot me in the face with a Nerf™️ gun.
If you hold a croissant to your ear like a phone it connects you to the president of France.
i’m reading this thesaurus. it’s really interesting, or should i say… very interesting.
There’s a couple breaking up so loudly on the sidewalk in front of my house! He said WHO ARE YOU GONNA TAKE TO YOUR SISTER’S WEDDING NEXT WEEKEND? She said MOZZARELLA STICKS! Which is a valid and devastating blow.
JUDGE: your sentence will last for 5 years
ME: I can’t speak that slowly
A Roomba that moans when it picks up trash.
Me: can I ask a rhetorical question?
Her: sure
Me: well apparently not
Just seductively flipped my hair to the side and a partially eaten chocolate Santa fell out.
I will flirt with you but honestly neither of us will have any idea it’s happening
I think my husband is beginning to suspect
pep talk
“When you fall in love it burns and you die, right?”
Yes, son. Love is terrible.
“No Mom, I said LAVA.”
Oh. You maybe can survive that one.
Me: The timing is off
Mechanic: Okay, but I can’t help you with your jokes
By the end of their life, everyone will have appeared in at least two Fast & Furious movies
He was a sperm,
she was an egg
can i make it anymore ovulous