🎶 Take me down to the cubicle city where the boss is mean and the pay is shitty 🎶
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Mr. Webb, what is the greatest threat to national security?
“The dinosaurs in Jurassic World, they always seem to get out”
Some of you are like family to me. I don’t want you calling me either.
“I got kicked out of a golf tournament for heckling a player with a funny name.”
“Boo Weekley?”
“No. I yelled. Loudly.”
Do lady dolphins ever get tattoos of 19-yr-old community college students?
Captain: *opens treasure chest* Arrgh! It be just a mirror!
First Mate: Look closely, Cap’n
Captain: *studies* The treasure… is me?
Crew: Happy Birthday, Cap’n!
Captain: *sniff* Yarrr
When I said I was a “first responder” I meant that I am quick to send the thumbs up emoji in the family text thread.
It’s important to get out of the house every once in a while to get excited about going home.
At least we don’t have to wear pants anymore.
did I “kill a plant” or did the plant not have what it takes to thrive in this fast-paced environment
Me: Hello darkness my old friend
Darkness: *leaves on read*
Mom in the 90’s: We need to get you a light coat and warm pants for fall.
Me, showing up to school the next day:
gonna mess with my husband by texting “send nudes” when he’s in a work meeting
She got mad because she said don’t come in the house with those dirty shoes on so I took them off, how was I supposed to know my socks were just as bad.
Dr. Seuss would have CRUSHED it on 8 Mile.
My husband just sent me a text inviting me to go ahead and have the left over tacos that I ate three hours ago.
One of the hotels in town has just refurbished their lobby area, and it looks like their rivals are going to do the same. Sometimes you just have to fight foyer with foyer.
Hurricane Duran Duran would have only wanted to chase supermodels, wear white suits and write inane lyrics.
At least we know scientists somewhere are finding a way to make humans sweat hallucinogens like those toads, so there will finally be a perk to all this stress about climate change and we all have a happier apocalypse.
If you see me in court you’d think I was furiously taking notes, but 9 times out of 10, I’m usually drawing a t-rex eating a witness.
– Lads, I’ve driven all the snakes out of Ireland.
– Did we have snakes?
– Oh yes, thousands of em.
– I’ve never seen any sn…
– THOUSANDS!
*passenger next to me starts putting on headphones*
Are you mad at me?
I’m pretty sure my little brother exists only because I got too old to be my mama’s remote control.
After dinner last night my wife brought out 5 cupcakes for dessert and said, one for every person in the family. There’s only 4 of us so I had a mini panic attack thinking we were going to have 3 kids under 4 and once she saw my face she screamed, I can’t count, I can’t count!
dora: jeez we’re really lost
boots: dora i’m freezing
backpack: we need a fire
the map: what should we use to start it?
dora:
boots:
backpack:
the map: oh no
dora: *holding a lighter* this IS all your fault
It never gets old to hear someone say “Oh no” when I say I’m calling from the health department
Do the makers of hold music know that Mozart wrote more than one song
Single white female seeking a nice, respectful paycheck and 401k to settle down with.
Me: … No worries!
Narrator: There were, in fact, many worries.
PHILOSOPHY MAJOR: humanity is at risk
STEM MAJOR: because global warming is affecting sea levels
ENGLISH MAJOR: is it affecting or effecting
Well, at least tomorrow is Friday.
-Me having a bad Wednesday that’s about to get even worse.