🎶 Take me down to the cubicle city where the boss is mean and the pay is shitty 🎶
You Might Also Like
asking a gay couple who the man and woman are in their relationship is like asking a vegetarian which vegetable in their salad is the meat
I attended a beautiful wedding today for my 8yo’s toy lizard. If Ronald and Liz can find each other, there’s hope for us all.
I only go on LinkedIn to see what my coworkers looked like 15 years ago.
what could possibly go wrong?
Boss (about to fire me): I don’t know how to tell you this
Me: *suddenly behind boss, whispering in his ear* Try using your mouth, genius
You’ve seen nothing until you’ve seen a picture of a pigeon having a job interview to become a pigeon:
Satan: welcome to your own hell where…
me: is it hot in here or is it just me 😉
Satan:…everyones a comedian.
me: haha i just like to keep it light.
Satan: no, [gesturing around] EVERYones a comedian.
me: oh god
Me at 15: I can’t wait to make my own money and buy whatever I want
Me now: *rinses off a sliced cheese that fell on the floor*
One of my wishes in life is to run across the Pacific Ocean in an air tight giant hamster ball.
When walking by the school’s lost and found area dads can’t stop themselves from saying “you wanna go shopping, get a new coat?”
How do people who don’t have a cat know when a ghost has entered the room?
I think the English invented raisins as a joke because of their dry sense of humour.
You never say “I love you” back
Tater tots:
Get rid of the “quality check” section on the Domino’s pizza tracker. I know what I’m getting myself into here.
VITAMIN WATER: we’re like water, but with vitamins
ME: which ones
VITAMIN WATER: well sugar is a vitamin
ME: no it’s not
VITAMIN WATER: what about blue
Circling toys in the Christmas catalog as a kid for your parents is the same as sending links to your spouse as an adult.
man: hey do you take walk-ins
cremator: excuse me what
AAA is king of the junk mail. Once a week I get an envelope that looks like divorce papers and inside it’s like “time to split… with roadside anxiety”
Who died and made you king? Oh the king before you died. Well that makes sen- Oh he was your father. Well then I’m very sorry for your loss.
Whenever I read that a suspect is cooperating with investigators I picture them being helpful in the interrogation room. Tidying up. Providing light conversation.
I live in fear that my death will somehow be connected to the opening of a pressurized Pillsbury cinnamon roll container.
wife: please be nice to my sister-in-law.
me: i’ll treat her like my own blood.
sister-in-law: hey guys.
me: [screams and passes out]
I don’t have any kids but I am a proud father of a food baby right now.
telling people you’re single:
• “you’ll find someone”
• “have you tried tinder”saying “many have tried to date me and all have failed”:
• mystical
• empowering
• sword-in-the-stone vibes
[plane hurtling toward earth in ball of fiery wreckage]
me [to person on my left]: are they coming around for trash again or did i miss it?
I love that old Revolutionary War saying about shower sex “Don’t shoot until you see the soap in their eyes…” or something like that.
[last supper]
judas: this could’ve been an email
My home pregnancy test came back negative.
I guess my house is just getting fat.
Eminem: You only get one shot, do not miss your chance to blow
Eminem’s Wife: I have a headache
Starting a new band called the Shania Twainsaw Massacre.