🎶 Take me down to the cubicle city where the boss is mean and the pay is shitty 🎶
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Me to 5: Wow, you’re a real…a real pill.
*5 smiles
8: Uh, it’s not a GOOD thing to be called a ‘pill,’ you know.
5: Yes it is. Mommy loves pills.
Kids, no one will ever understand you like your high school love. Get pregnant and marry them right away. You know better than everyone.
Dudes always say they want a goth girlfriend until you accidentally turn into a bat in front of their mom.
ME: [inflating second “E” balloon]
WIFE: Are you sure you know how to spell happy birthday?
what’s your pitch?
“so this guy steals from the rich…”
ok
“and gives to the poor”
nice. what’s his name?
“Robin…”
haha I love it
“Hood”
wait
ME: Thank you for your service.
VETERINARIAN: Again, I’m not that kind of vet.
ME:
VETERINARIAN:
ME:
VETERINARIAN:
ME: Thank you for your purrvice.
sometimes i forget my high school chemistry teacher had beef with me, a 16 year old, because i told her i didn’t like the big bang theory
It still pisses me off that a meteorologist doesn’t know what’s inside every meteor…
BOSS: It’s come to my attention that you’ve disabled attachments for emails. You have to fix that.
BUDDHA: But attachments cause suffering.
I’m the dog whisperer. I’ll whisper the word “dog” 20.. hell, 30 times if the price is right
[calls up friend]
Remember when you said I wouldn’t ever make it on TV? Well turn on the news!
“Okay, but why are you calling from jail?”
I swear could grab 3 rabid coyotes and dress them up as my kids and they’d be better behaved than my children are. But, you know, yay summer.
I eat the first half of a burrito to get full, I eat the second half to teach myself a lesson
A man sentenced to the electric chair is strapped in when the prosecutor asks for his last words. He replies, “You’re making a mistake… I’ve already been charged!” #DarkHumor #Jokes #LegalLaughs
My doctor using a spatula to peel me off the wax paper.
Yes. these are prescription Oreos.
If my boss suddenly revealed that he’d been Sacha Baron Cohen this whole time everything about my job would make a lot more sense
My grandpa is on his third wife. The first, I called Nana. The second, I called Mawmaw. Look, I don’t have another cute name in me. That’s just Brenda.
4 drew a picture of a unicorn and asked if I’d stick it on the fridge and I said no because unicorns don’t like cold places but really it’s because the drawing was shit
Wife, lecturing son: You can’t just “wing it” your entire life
Me, later to my son when we’re alone: You actually can just wing it, you just can’t tell people that’s what you’re doing
You know in a video game when you kept pushing b to get through the talking part but later realized you should’ve read it? That’s adulthood.
If you can’t spell, we can’t hangman.
so we’ve been wondering why our daughter insists on inserting the short end of the bendy straw into the juice carton. today, she explained her reasoning
A parade of slow walkers meander behind my car as I’m trying to pull out of the parking space.
I just ate a kid’s meal at McDonald’s. His mom tried to stop me but I’m too fast
Poetry is my passion
When life hands you donkeys, move to a mountainous region.
ME: Why does my stomach hurt?
WebMD: Because of that Ouija board you messed with in the fourth grade, probably.
If I stay in bed too long my sheets eventually detach from the corner of my mattress like my bed is patting me on the back to let me know the hug is over.