🎶 That’s me in the corner
That’s me in the spot light
Eating a banana 🎶
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I am thick and tired. 🙄
Maybe the reason Miss Piggy is still single is she has a fear of kermitment
Him: Maybe you should start counting your calories
Me: Maybe you should start counting your days
My 3-year-old said, “Daddy, you’re big & strong like a garbage truck.” Thanks, I think. I often view of myself as a mobile trash receptacle.
me: mind if I have a look around
guy in port-a-potty: yes
God: you have eight legs.
Spider: do I-do I need eight legs?
God: tbh no one really needs eight of anything.
Spider:
God:
Spider:
God: also you have eight eyes.
I have my own version of Whole Foods, where I eat the Whole Pizza, Whole Box of Donuts, Whole Bag of Chips…
Nutritionist: Do you eat salad?
Me: Yes, I love potato salad.
Nutritionist: no
Meteorologists are always talking about the weather and hardly ever about meteors.
Please enjoy this video of a baby eating queso for the first time
“What are you doing here?”
I just got fired from the circus
“Oh my”
Yeah, the calibration on my cannon was way off. I landed in your pond
A roomba that swears every time it hits something.
Kissed a receipt to lighten my lipstick but I need it to return something & now some cashier is gonna think I’m flirting.
Age 8: Flinging myself off the swings at high speed onto a concrete floor, bouncing up instantly and laughing before bounding away like a gazelle.
Age 48: Raising my eyebrows in a slightly more robust way than usual and fracturing my skull.
Not sure how coffee got its own table in the living room, but kudos.
[god inventing humans]
angel: what does it do
god: creates, loves, invents…
angel: awesome
god: storms area 51 in the style of an anime character
angel: wtf
god: it also makes quiche
Let he who is without sin, get the hell away from me.
NURSE: do you have any allergies
ME: burnt bread
NURSE: you’re allergic to burnt bread?
ME: yes I’m black toast intolerant
DO YOU WANT ME TO RAP?
I WILL RAP!– how I threaten my kids
Couldn’t of?! COULDN’T OF?? Oh really? You could not of? Interesting.
Me: What’s the suite number on that address?
8: It just says “Hashtag 301.”
Me: Before hashtags were born, those were called number signs.
People have sex without music playing? How do you know when to change partners?
Brain: Follow your heart
Heart: Go with your gut
Gut: Pick the grilled cheese
When I got the vaccine they asked me how I was feeling and I said I feel kind of updog and they put the syringe back in and took the vaccine out of me
My kids dressed in various parts of different Halloween costumes.
Husband: What are they?
Me: Happy, so I’m not asking any questions
A brightly-colored van drives slowly down our street. Kids gather excitedly. It is the Edible Arrangements truck. We are all betrayed.
can anyone recommend some good behaviours for someone who just started behaving
Your helium addiction is out of control, but nobody is taking your cry for help seriously.
thought i was going straight into retirement after high school with all that beanie baby money.