🎶 That’s me in the corner
That’s me in the spot light
Eating a banana 🎶
You Might Also Like
Sister, I can do this until twitter breaks
Me: Grandpa hasn’t been the same since the war
Him: Vietnam?
Me: Thumb
lower my casket into the ground and play “The Lion Sleeps Tonight” If you see someone not singing the Wimba Way part, kick them out.
‘THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU!’
~me, parenting teens
My grandpa used to eat onion sandwiches so yeah he and my grandma slept in separate bedrooms.
If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader
My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business
At the park yesterday my 4yr old was talking to one of the dads, being all charming and cute, complimenting his tattoos. Then he started telling him about mommy’s tattoos and pointing me out. Good to know I’ve got a good wingman if I ever need one.
I’ve got this great joke where I kidnap people’s sticker families and leave little post-it ransom notes. Adorable or horrifying? You decide
My husband tried to embarrass me in front of his friends by saying I wasn’t any good in bed. He was shocked when his friends disagreed.
Him: It’s over. You’re too immature.
Me: [with 2 Pringles in my mouth pretending I’m a duck] Quack?
10: Can we go to the adoption store and pick up a new baby?
Me: Sweet girl, Mama has 4 kids. If we go right now it’s probably to drop off.
i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
Dude with 7 followers is criticizing my jokes. That’s not a Twitter account. It’s a group text.
Me too
Dear twitter thank you for telling me it’s not my fault……but wtf
I adopt cats because I can’t have any of my own.
I’ll be throwing shade, after a quick search of Urban Dictionary.
I got fired from the church nursery for racing the babies.
Optometrist: You have 2020 vision.
Me: But my vision sucks.
Optometrist: Exactly.
Wife: Go out for breakfast?
Me: Sure!
Wife: Ok, let me shower first.
*showers, dresses & puts on makeup*
Me: Where should we have lunch?
My mother: What color do you look good in?
Me: Not the one I’m wearing right now, apparently.
i gotta remember that brevity saves energy and is worth the misunderstandings
90’s style insults need to come back.
Been itching to tell someone they need to go to the clue store to get one.
this is awesome. I didn’t even know I had a first season. W
It could be worse.
You could be coughing up someone else’s lung.
Me: It appears our thoughts have verbally crossed streams once again
Friend: why can’t you just say jinx?
I’m totally onboard with the public outrage. I’ll be watching the Olympic women’s beach volleyball solely to point out hidden satanic messages.
I see that your IQ test came back negative.