🎶 That’s me in the corner
That’s me in the spot light
Eating a banana 🎶
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karate master: the easiest way to knock someone unconscious is to hit their temple
[later]
my bully brad: you’re stupid
me: where is your place of worship
Cop: *into walkie talkie* we have a wreck on highway 15
Me: look I know I’m a wreck
Cop: you’ve been wearing those sweatpants for 4 days
me:
cop: also you hit 26 cars
I love you…
…r dog.
Eating for two.
I Spit On Your Gravy #MakeAHorrorFilmLessScary
Me: *pours 3rd glass of wine at dinner*
My organs: We strike at dawn.
I ate everything, including the H.
Lmao i opened a checking account in college and years later they needed to verify me and asked me a bunch of security questions that I got completely wrong. Turns out when I opened it I made every answer “shark week” so it would be easy to remember
So I adopted a bunny today ❤ everyone meet Mr. Whiskers.
Room with a view.
You know you’re sick when your girlfriend asks if you’re feeling okay instead of the usual eye roll after spitting up a lung.
If you love someone let them go.. If they come back just be yourself they will be gone again in 2 days😬😂
What REALLY happens when you build Ikea furniture…
*replies to everyone’s subtweets
“I love you too baby”
I took my dog to see “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it. Which surprised me because he hated the book…
I wonder how many times they edited the Bible to take out whenever Jesus said “anyhoo”
My neighbors have both a howling dog and a screaming baby out in their yard. I’d throw a rock or something but I’m afraid I’d hit the dog.
My husband and I had a few cocktails while we were out shopping and don’t remember what we bought the kids. I’m so excited to see what we got them on Christmas morning.
[at restaurant]
Table for two please.
“Do you have reservations?”
Yes, this place looks like a dump but I’m hungry.
turns out the ‘kkk’ are not just a group of guys who are very agreeable in their text messages 🙁
Capt of Titanic: “Mayday! We are sinking”
Coastguard: “What happened?”
*Cthulhu makes throat-slit gesture with tentacle*
Capt: “Iceberg”
If god can artificially inseminate someone, why did he need two of every animal on the ark to repopulate the world?
If I say, “Don’t worry, I’m on it,” there’s a 98% chance I’m referring to my couch.
Marital Law & Martial Law while look similar have very different meanings…
.. Except at my house.
Friend: I’m so sore from the class I took at the gym
Me: I spent 10 minutes trying to pick up a cube of ice off my floor, I know the feeling
My front facing camera:
Me: I disagree.
The true irony in Taylor Swift singing about feeling 22 at age 23 is that I want to hit her in the face with a cast iron skillet.
A thick layer of mayonnaise on all your furniture will remove water rings from wood and unwanted guests from your house.
I went to clean my kids bathroom and I’m 99% sure they shoot their toothpaste out of a cannon
What’s the difference between a $20 steak and a $85 steak?
February 14th.