Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m not the prettiest girl, or the smartest, I don’t have a perfect body, and this started out as a tweet but is now my suicide note.

I love it when people throw out those inspirational tweets like ‘live life to the fullest’ after they’ve spent the entire day on Twitter.

I was wondering why so many houses on zillow had the same ugly carpeting. Reader, I clicked on the same house multiple times.

♫ Hey cow
You’re an all star
You are grain fed
No hay
Hey cow
You are ground down
Graded U.S.
D.A. ♫

I wanted to do a sexy boudoir photoshoot for my boyfriend, but the radiologist had a totally different agenda

i know my boyfriend’s not an empath bc he walks really fast while im wearing heels

what if “chicken patty” is just short for “chicken patricia”

[getting an x-ray]
TECHNICIAN: Quit putting that box of chocolates on your chest.
ME: Just tell me which ones are coconut.

Me: I don’t remember this mirror being here before

Wife: you’re watching a documentary about warthogs

How many? 🤔

I say, “Hi, friend,” to every animal I see, every time I see one, so they know I’m not their enemy, even to my own pets & it lessens my chances of being attacked.

Therapist: *pinching bridge of nose* I don’t charge enough an hour for this.

Me: *sees his fish tank* “Hi, friend.”

The /r/ubiquiti subreddit has been going back and forth the last few days on who can make the shortest ethernet cable and it’s been seriously cracking me up.

I love to open my windows to let in the beautiful weather and so my neighbors can learn my kids’ middle names.

Community dinner theater is great because sometimes you’re hungry but you also want to see bad acting.

I hate when I wake up in a strange house, & have to go outside to look at a license plate to figure out what state I’m in.

I just used Quandary in casual conversation, like some sort of philosophical genius, and everyone laughed and then I ran back to my computer to make sure I used it correctly and I did, so you may call me Professor.

Don’t bother putting your hand over my mouth to shut me up, I will lick you.

[movie theater]
TRAILER ANNOUNCER: how far will one man go…..to protect what he loves
ME: [turning to person behind me] pretty far i bet

Babies are like tattoos. They’re yours forever and maybe wait a few days before posting pictures of them so they’re not all gross looking.

6: are snakes just neck?

[first day as a bartender]
Customer: I’ll have a martini, dry
Me, staring at all the liquid ingredients: I don’t know how to tell you this

My 3yo and 4yo are screaming at each other about privacy. Isn’t it ironic?

I will take your secret to the grave. Unless I’m drunk and revealing it will make me popular.

if aliens attack we will probably be fine unless they realize how easily we are influenced by traffic cones

sigh

7: Today in school we had to write 4 sentences about what we ate for breakfast his morning.
Me:
Him:
Me: I forgot to give you breakfast, didn’t I.

Wait, so hallways in mental institutions aren’t called psychopaths? Well they should be.

me, waking up from my nap and getting ready to exercise.

https://video.twimg.com/tweet_video/FtzDMT0WcAEQJRv.mp4

If you’re ever having trouble coming up with creative names for your villains, just remember that Star Wars decided to name Darth Maul’s brother Savage Opress