🎶…we didn’t start the fire🎵
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Hope to get one dose of Pfizer and one dose of Moderna and just let them fight it out in my body
Remember everyone’s fighting their own private battle. For example we’re out of corn chips so I ate salsa with potato chips and lost part of my soul
I got tired of arguing with my kids about screen time and also tired of telling them to plug in their devices, so I‘ve stopped charging them myself and now I don’t have to argue with the kids because their devices are all out of battery
“What if it makes me look stupid,” she said redundantly.
Me: The kids haven’t eaten their sandwiches
Wife: ok just throw them out[Later]
Me *helping the kids pack a suitcase* look I’m as surprised as you are
Sure, Taylor Swift is a hero for performing in the rain, but have you ever waited for your dog to poop in a thunderstorm?
Are you watching Point Break or The Fast and the Furious?
Woke up thinking I’d look good in yellow.
Nope, looks like I was eaten by a shredded wheat box.
Me: I’m PMSing and everyone bugs me.
Husband: You should do the Calm app.
Me: You should do the STFU app.
I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con
My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time
inspire employees to make more of an effort by subtly letting them know just how easily they can be replaced
melted five butterfingers together and made a butterfist
It was an art back in the day to be able to fit your tweet into 140 characters
Now people tweet chapters and their tweets are still a load of bollocks. See? This one is already far too long. I apologise for wasting your time and omg why are you still reading this rubbish?
About to go assert my dominance over the other dads in my neighborhood by washing, waxing and detailing my car, the war has begun
This kid will have a bright future.
You never get a second chance to make a first impression…
…and so I bite.
Husband: Let’s role play.
Me: Okay.
H: Pretend you’re our cleaning lady.
Me: I quit.
My 4 yr old niece is on the hyper side so my brother-in-law was trying to teach her about behaving and said “little girls are made of sugar and spice and what else?” and in her best batman voice she replied, “BLOOD AND BONES.”
I deserve a reward for backing out of my driveway without hitting one blade of grass, a sprinkler head, or a small tree.
Felt sad when I heard Taylor Swift is now with Tom Hiddleston.
Apparently, my subconscious thought I had a chance with Tom Hiddleston.
[Super soldier program]
SCIENTIST: We’ve given you an enhanced cybernetic arm.
ME: So I can take pies out of the oven without mitts.
SCIENTIST: More—more for killing people.
ME:
SCIENTIST:
ME:
SCIENTIST:
ME: But I can also—
SCIENTIST: Yes you can also use it for the pie thing.
Donald Trump has Muslim friends, Rick Santorum has gay friends, Ted Cruz has imaginary friends. #GOPDebate
Unsolicited sandwich pics.
Did my noble deed today and got a few boxes of Girl Scout cookies. It wasn’t for me, it was for the organization of course.
Beyoncé: Who run the world?
Me: Oligarchs?
Beyoncé: This really changes my song
Me: how d’ya like them apples?
Dr: *hisses and retreats into the shadows*
My class teacher once said “Write and Practice.” Turns out she was right. I practiced on my desk just before I started my exam and it worked
My son found some handcuffs under our bed so I had to have “the talk” today…
I’m an international crime fighter now