Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My doctor pulled me aside and asked why I had so many scratches on me and never in my life have I felt more like a teenage boy than when I sheepishly explained it was because last weekend was wrestlemania and I was practicing wrestling moves with my friend.

I wear a stethoscope so that in a medical emergency I can teach people a valuable lesson about assumptions.

I’ll write I’ll write I’ll write.

when i said i wanted to be held, i didn’t mean accountable.

At jury duty they said, “You do not have to be fluent in English.” So what you’re supposed to do is just guess if the guy is innocent.

My laptop has a Miley Virus. It’s stopped twerking.

ME: I propose teaching pandas to play pattycake bec-
ZOOKEEPER: How do you keep getting in here?
ZOO OFFICIAL: Wait. Let’s hear him out.

[Séance]
*knock, knock*
ME: Wh-who’s there?
[ouija board spells out A-T-C-H]
ME: atch who?
[spells out B-L-E-S-S-Y-O-U]
ME: Dammit, Grandpa!

Blimey, it must be getting cold, just seen the postman in trousers.

I just dusted like 4 years ago this is bullshit

‘How many lights do you wanton?”

“It’s too bright, can you dimsum?”

~ Chinese chefs setting the mood.

If one ex was drowning and the other was
dangling from a cliff-edge and you had one set of
ropes to save them….where would you hide it?

My dog does this thing where it thunders and suddenly I’m wearing a dog hat.

I was introduced to a baby recently by her parents; the mother told me “she doesn’t do anything, or know anything”

What do you do when you’re soul searching and can’t find one?

Everyone compliments the jumpsuit when you wear it out—but when you get to the bathroom it’s just you and your choices

i was told today that I have “resting smug face” but trust me I’m making the effort

A new restaurant in my neighborhood offers a tasting menu but it just tasted like paper to me.

•stay calm
•don’t run away
•don’t turn your back
•don’t make loud noises

-how to handle a mountain lion encounter and also how to react when your teenager, unprompted, sits down and talks to you

Snow White is baking a pie with squirrels and chipmunks and there’s not one turd anywhere.

Not one.

I love when someone is like “I’m funny because I have trauma and it’s a coping mechanisms” and it’s like ok not to add to your trauma, but you’re not funny

My teen complained that he didn’t like the dinner I made so I told him to be sure to leave his Yelp review & also, I don’t care.

The order the Star Wars movies are being released is based on the order in which Yoda would count from one to nine.

*Skynet becomes self aware*
*Starts a blog*

I remember being a kid and telling my mom I thought it was weird that her and Santa had the same handwriting. But now as an adult I just think it’s weird that she still gets him to write the gift tags

I could survive 3 months in the wilderness with the contents of a woman’s purse and a pocket knife.

*forgets Netflix password*
*sends email reset*
*forgets email password*
*sends reset to backup*
20 resets later:
*opens 2nd Netflix account*

I’m sorry, but the $5.00 you gave me off my first order is not worth receiving emails every day for the next 200 years

Joel Osteen wouldn’t open his megachurch to flood victims. Let’s not jump to conclusions. Maybe he has two of every kind of animal in there.