🎶 Whoa we’re half way there,
Whoa-oh…
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Well it happened. My girlfriend walked in and caught me watching Spongebob
I’m pretty certain the inventor of the ball gag was someone who had just had sex with a loud talker
Diet Tip: If you throw a raisin into your pint of ice cream, it becomes a healthy snack.
Shopkeeper:This is made of pure virgin wool sir.
Me:You see I m not interested in the morals of the sheep.Just tell me,will it keep me warm?
My favorite thing is when there’s not enough time in therapy to bring something to conclusion and you’re just sent home with all your unearthed trauma and demons like ok cool see you next week stay hydrated
BEAR JESUS: *Emerges from cave after 3 days*
EVERYONE ELSE: This… this is not as impressive.
I put my hand upon your hip
And then I steal yo queso dip
“I’ve risen from the ashes many times” – Guy who gets drunk and falls into fireplaces.
No one:
My kid: Mumma, you don’t have to worry about what happened in the kitchen.
Before I drop my kids off at school, I ask if they’re ready to be yeeted out of the car, and they all start chanting, “YEET, YEET YEET…” So yeah… pretty sure I’ve peaked.
Like a kite stuck in a tree, I too am stuck in a tree
Natalie Imbruglia: I thought I saw a man brought to life. He was warm, he came around like he was dignified
Him:
On a girl’s vacation while drunk, we all bought hotdogs and then tried to give someone directions. I gestured so emphatically that I slung the wiener right out of my bun and into the street, and then ate it anyway because a $5 dog is a $5 dog. Follow me for more financial advice
Best part about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re making a point so people know shit’s about to get real.
I was just casually stalking an ex-girlfriend on IG & accidentally liked a picture. please respect my privacy in this difficult time.
“Are you going to finish that?”
-takes a tantrum from a toddler
(God Creating Vegetables)
GOD: What if we made fruit gross?
Why does James Bond keep telling people his real name? Worst. Spy. Ever.
I like it when the clocks change because it’s a law that feels like a prank. The government’s going to change the time while you’re asleep. Next month they’re going to unscrew your salt shaker while you’re at work.
Doctor: Do you smoke?
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D: tobacco
Me: No.
Me: I’d like a nap please.
Domino’s employee: Ma’am, this is Domino’s.
Me: Ok one extra large nap and an order of cheesy bread.
We have ants and tonight at dinner:
My husband: Did you know ants leave behind a trail that we can’t smell but the cats can?
3yo: I can.
Me: No, humans can’t smell it.
3yo: *sniffing loudly* smells like ants.
I once dated a guy who left a trail of rose petals leading to a sinkful of dirty dishes.
Did I remember to take Ambien? I’ll ask my lamp. He’s speaking German but maybe I’ll get the gist.
good friend is late 20s. in shape, has £10,000 a year, lives in a fine house with some of the finest woods in the country. but he’s consistently ghosted, ignored, or told “you’re the last man in the world i could be prevailed upon to marry.” modern women are broken.
Detective Baby: We got you dead to rights, dirtbag.
*suspect puts face in hands*
Detective Baby: HE’S ESCAPED
Boss: HR wants to see you
Me: What for?
Boss: Mandatory drug test
Me: Oh man, I really can’t do any more drugs after the weekend I had
[whispering to my wife with tears in my eyes as we watch our daughter’s piano recital] She’s terrible
[blind date]
(don’t let her know ur a dog walker)
“So what do u do?”
Well, I’m like a-
[13 dogs jump up on the table and eat her dinner]
I spray perfume samples in the gym bathroom like I’m a priest doing an exorcism with holy water