🎶 Whoa we’re half way there,
Whoa-oh…
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Doc: Let’s check your reflexes.
Me: I have the reflexes of a cat.
Doc: *hits my knee with a hammer*
Me: MEOW! *scratches Doc’s eyes out*
Husband: can we try some new positions in the bedroom?
Me: sure!
Husband: any ideas?
Me: [excited] sleepy sloth?
Husband:
Me: [more excited] hibernating bear?
Husband:
Me: [most excited] the lazy starfish?
[Shipwreck Diary]
Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time
Day 4: nope. I’m fine
The only reason I’m on LinkedIn is to find employed dates for the weekends.
Throughout history they’ve removed a lot of key parts from the bible, like how Satan nicknamed his loofah “Loofifer.”
Don’t ask me! I’m 48 and still refer to it as a Choo-Choo Train.
Ever accidentally turn off your alarm instead of hitting the snooze button and wake up two days later?
It feels so good on a cold morning, a hoodie fresh from the dryer…
“You gotta try the lobs-”
– I’ll should tell you…
“Yes?”
– We’re not having sex.
“OK.”
– What were you saying?
“The chicken here’s great.”
I think my house is possessed. My kid did everything I asked him to this morning. Without complaining.
The date was going great until she spooked me and then I squirted her with ink and quickly swam away
The most avoided species of shark is the Loan
ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.
I’m a great babysitter. If you’re interested, I can offer an above 95% survival rate.
Everything is awful so I’ve started adding vodka to my protein smoothies and ya know what? Everything is still awful
me: i’ll just soak this dish so it’s easier to clean
brain: probably will be good in a minute
me: yeah but imagine how good it’ll be in a month
Sometimes I rock it as a parent, other times I drop my phone on my sleeping child’s face while taking a picture of them. It’s called balance.
At the outdoor church service today, the pastor invited the kids to use sidewalk chalk to draw things that remind them of God.
My six year olds decided to trace each other and create a crime scene.
How to make friends: Put your clothes on backwards so people don’t notice you walking up to them.
My daughter showed me a shirt at Target and I asked where the rest of it was; my transformation into my father is complete
-Stop sending me scary scenes from destruction films! What’s wrong with you?
-That was just me cooking us lasagna
-Oh..see you at 9!
-You bet you will
*moon landing*
That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for updog
“What’s updog?”
NOT MUCH JUST WALKING ON THE MOON WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
Hi I’m the protagonist of a YA horror story. My name is something VERY SYMBOLIC like Persephone Underworld or Circe Evil-Lineage. Tho it seems vague, if you’re good at doing an allegory you’ll understand it’s a hint that my family has an evil, death-related history. Spoiler alert
*wraps bacon in bacon wrapped bacon*
Are 19th Century menstrual pads called period pieces?
Just got your text from last night: you need to cut the red wire first to stop the countdown.
[interview for an accounting job]
Your resumé says your greatest strength is using idioms. How can that help in this job?“You do the math”
[eating paste]
Here’s what I think…
If I don’t duck my head when I drive into the parking garage what’s gonna keep my car from hitting the ceiling?
I used to be married, but I’m better now