Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Legend states that when you’re in the middle of an existential crisis, a child will appear to cry about their sibling looking at them the wrong way

Even at my age I can walk up ten flights of stairs. But eleven? Well, that’s another story.

My mother’s scale of concern:

1 missed call = I am busy with the kids.

2 missed calls = I am being murdered in a ditch.

O Wise One….

wait whoa when did the bermuda triangle stop eating boats

There is a trend of babies being named after characters in “Frozen”.

“That’s Stupid” says a 24 year old named Ariel.

[feeding baby Malaysian food]

“Here comes the plane”
*makes plane noises*

*spoon just disappears*

*seductively unhooks bra, & two cheese balls fall out*

How To Make Lemon Squares:

Make the undercookie
Then the jigglesauce
Pour the jigglesauce on the undercookie and put it in the bakeybox

me: [banging head on wall]
wife: honey is something wrong
me: [sobbing] I’M A SHITTY WOODPECKER

Wife told me she’d been “really getting into animal security camera videos” recently and I had her show me one to see what she meant. You’ll need sound:

“The engine light is on” Yeah that means it’s working

If I could steal powers like Rogue from X-Men, I’d use it on someone who can fold the fitted sheets.

INTERVIEWER: What happened at your last job?
ME: I was fired for being too literal.
I: How have you supported yourself since then?
M: Legs.

A study was just published that shark attacks happen most often in water. Now I have to worry about the ones that occur elsewhere.

TRUMP: I don’t have a subpoena. I have a very huge poena.

ME: Make every guy afraid of me.

GENIE: As you wish.

ME: (a tampon): son of a

Olympic gymnast: does the most amazing thing I have ever seen in my entire life.

Announcer: Oh dear, that will be a point deduction.

My toddler just said “Knock knock, who’s there” then slapped me in the face and said “it’s me”
Ok then.

Should I shampoo my carpet before using my air conditioner?

Hey guys! Remember the golden rules this festive season, when shopping in crowded places;

1/Walk slow

2/Stop for no reason

3/Repeat above

*shrugs off responsibility*

weigh me now

Goodnight moon.
Goodnight room.
Goodnight sanctimonious people arguing on the internet

I’ve watched hardened criminals stare each other down on the prison yard but nothing comes close to two four year old girls walking past each other on Halloween sizing up each other’s costumes

[moses parts sea]
Slaves: wow! Why we running away if u can do shit like that? Lets go back & claim the pyramids
Moses: thats my only trick

*Girl comes out in a slinky dress*

ME: Ooh that looks like fun

*I push her down the stairs*

The best thing about money is that if you give it to the right person they’ll hand you donuts.

My biggest accomplishment this week was my AirPods surviving a trip through the washing machine. And I don’t know whether to try harder or buy a lottery ticket.

Anyone else ever wondered how long it would take a giraffe to throw up ?