Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sometimes my views are right wing, sometimes left, it just depends where I’m sat on the airplane.

1) Pull black socks to knees 2) Wear sandals 3) Wear Magnum PI shorts 4) Make ball sack slightly visible

-Grandpa’s guide to lawn mowing

Sometime in the night I think somebody replaced my skeleton with a different skeleton but I don’t know how to verify this.

Thinking about getting my dog fixed. Shouldn’t be too expensive. Just needs an oil change and a new timing belt.

Amazon will acquire Roomba and there’s nothing scary about Alexa on wheels.

Know your sleep disorders!

Insomnia = Can’t sleep at home.

Outsomnia = Can’t sleep in public.

Upsomnia = Can’t sleep in a hot air balloon.

Downsomnia = Can’t sleep sealed up in your friend’s catacombs.

Ghost haunting my house: Okay, I’m just going to clean up your TINY, SHITTY, Apartment while you’re gone because I can’t not-live like this!

This morning, my 3 year old son emerged from our bedroom wearing several of my wife’s scarves and every bracelet she owns. I know he’s young, and saying this may make me appear close-minded and intolerant, but I don’t want him growning up to be Johnny Depp.

Therapist: What brings you to couples counseling?

Husband: [rolls eyes] My wife says I “exclude her.”

Therapist: Where is your wife by the way?

[Shipwrecked diary]

Day 1: I found a pen, and a notebook to write in. More pens. I might be in a Staples. Printer paper. I’m in a Staples.

Everything I know about love I learned from the venus fly trap.

Can’t. Typing a password into a tv.

ISAAC NEWTON: i have just discovered gravity
EVERYONE ELSE: hey how come i can’t float around anymore

Being an adult

Pros)You can eat anything you want

Cons)You can’t eat anything you want

*My dentist, looking at a pork chop dangling from a string*

“You should floss more”

Holiday anxiety is the most festive of all the anxieties.

The only thing limiting what you can put in a sandwich is your imagination and the laws of physics.

“Doctor, I’m afraid of people yelling letters of the alphabet at me.”

THERAPIST: Oh! You are? WHY???

Therapist: Ok so what brings you both here?

Me: Well apparently I make her life a “living hell”

My guardian angel: *sobbing uncontrollably*

Poured the 4-year-old a cup of orange juice but she insisted on sticking a straw into an actual orange instead. She refuses to admit it doesn’t work. Every time I look at her she pretends to suck at the straw and gives a refreshed “aaahhh.”

The most Seattle thing ever: I ran into a woman on my street using a mason jar with a light in it to look for her lost chicken

The best backflip ever!💕🤗🤗

I have complicated opinions on the death penalty. I think it’s wrong but I also think that owners of cash-only establishments should get it.

[food naming committee]
… Ok. Cow?
– Beef
Ground up?
– Burger
Great. Pig?
– Pork
Baked & sliced?
– Ham
Super! Deer?
– Venison
Fish?
– Fish

[my kids walk in on me being murdered]

ME: call 911

KIDS: ok but then will you get us a snack?

*phone rings*

Girlfriend: Hello.

Me: Hi, baby.

GF: Aw, what a nice surprise!

M: I just realized I forgot to say goodbye & I love you this morning.

GF: No, you told me.

M:

GF: You’re talking about the dogs, aren’t you?

M: Are they available?

I admire the sense of humor ”Capri Sun” execs had like ’let’s put juice in a bag and give it to kids lol’.

i see a little silhouetto of a bug
IT’S A WASP IT’S A WASP
can we close the damn window

My friend can be so pedantic. I know that saying “Frankenstein” isn’t technically correct, but I can’t remember your baby’s real name.

When you have to use a public restroom.