Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*breaks out of prison
*hunted by police for weeks
*crawls thru 22 miles of mud to your house*
Me: <taps on your window> DID YOU GET MY TEXT?

ah shit, i accidentally left my gender reveal pressure cooker on a crowded train

This impeachment is taking forever. I told you we should’ve bought impeachment pro. Now we have to watch all of these ads.

ME: [with a child on a leash] this is my therapy child.

Frankenstein was 90% about someone making up a guy and then getting mad at him

Let’s hear it for the staff in this branch of Maplin, still able to crack funnies ahead of their store’s impending closure …

My wife and I were happy for 24 years. Then we met.

Björk is probably my favorite singer named after the sound a dodgeball makes

I’ve never struggled with depression, we’ve always gotten along together.

[My date and I both speak at the same time]
Me: Haha sorry! You go first

Date: I was just gonna say I love this wine, and the food is delicious. What were you gonna say?

Me: Should male sheep be called heep?

me: as soon as I get home from work, I’m going to clean the entire house, get my workout in, and do some work on creative projects

my bed: [chuckles darkly]

Just got my invitation to Lady Gaga’s wedding reception. I can choose between beef or chicken. Not for the meal, that’s the dress code.

I held my friend’s baby today and I heard my uterus whispering, “put the baby down and no one will get hurt”.

[last day of creative writing class]

“are u ready to name ur band?”

Dave Matthews: u bet i am

My Uber driver upon seeing my face(not on my profile) switches his music from rap to the Chainsmokers and this is probably the worst I’ll ever be racially profiled

Homeless man: Spare some change for a cup of coffee?

Me: *Bends down to eye level* You don’t look anything like a cup of coffee

Listen. You call me a cunt and I’ll call you an ambulance.

The entire scientific world: The Earth is getting dangerously hotter and threatens our very existence

Dave936 on Twitter: I was 9 in 1976 and I remember it being hot. There’s nothing to worry about, have an ice cream

My kids have absolutely forbidden me from getting on Twitter.
So here I am!

Come back after dark. Bring your friends

Hi, I’m a college professor. Years ago I wrote a terrible book no one wanted. Anyway you have to buy it for 80 dollars

*meeting an actual guy*

Him: Who’s your team?

Me, not a sports guy: I really enjoy a good tussle from the *reads off palm* Green Day Flockers but I love all sports ball participants

You can tell a lot about a person by how early their neighbors call the cops on Thanksgiving.

Lion: I heard Adam got kicked out of Eden

Antelope: o no

Lion: looks like we can eat whatever we want

Antelope: omfg

People who sleep on the floor in a tent, build fires, poop in a hole and fight off bears…there is another way.

Hotel clerk: You’re eligible for a room upgrade

Me: Sweet!

Clerk: Exactly

superman accidentally arriving a thousand years too early

man: is that a bird?

Gonna tell my kids this is how game of thrones ended

This probably isn’t good

sorry I can’t come to work today, my dog finally caught a bird this morning and I’m going to need the next 2-6 weeks to emotionally recover