Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[God creating pufferfish]

How about a terrifying balloon

Every Coronavirus post on Facebook should just start with, “First off, I have no idea what i’m talking about.”

HER: You can’t even go 5 minutes without making a Star Trek reference.

ME: Yes I Khan.

Jackie Chan turns 65 today and he’s still able to beat the living shit out of all us with a ladder

We’re about two years from funerals starting and ending with, “don’t forget to like, share and subscribe.”

You know you’re a bad cook when the dog won’t lick the plate.

I come from a long line of idiots. One of my ancestors was stabbed to death by his fellow Greeks for shouting ‘Brojan Horse amirite’ while waiting inside to ambush Troy.

Boss: I expect total transparency from my staff

Trevor: That’s not always practic—

John the Jellyfish: NO PROBLEM BOSS

Before you start pushing and shoving “older” folks in a crowd, remember Gen X perfected the mosh pit, and you’re gonna be in for more than you bargained for

My husband will eat anything that has the word “Cowboy” in it so tonight I’m making Cowboy Kale and boy howdy is he gonna like it!

Chipotle server: Quackamole is extra
Me: lol, you said ‘quackamole’
Chipotle server [who is a duck]: Please don’t make fun of my quackcent

I’m not sad, I’m big moaned

*The First Ever Rodeo

“…Does anyone know what we’re supposed to do?”

In Canada they just call them geese

Almonds are good for when I want to have a healthy snack and want to stop having twelve dollars.

[calling a plumber to unclog my sink]

mario: yeah.. there’s a princess stuck in your drain

me: what

mario: *shrinking into a little man* i’m going in

I’ll smash someone’s car window on a hot day if I see they’ve left a chocolate bar melting inside.

Remember, kids: Never get in cars with strangers unless you’ve used an app to select a specific stranger to drive you around in their car

Shut up laundry.Nobody wants to do you.

4-year-old: What does God smell like?

Me:

4-year-old:

Me: Nachos.

4-year-old: With cheese?

My brother and dad have been arguing over a broken PS1 since February 2000. My brother said my dad broke it one night drunk. Truth is my mate broke it claiming he knew how to chip it and I’ve never told anyone. My mum is on my brother’s side. Comes up at least 5 times a year.

When an ex mansplains something to you it’s called “explaining”

I’ve known my dog for 11 years but she still eats like I’m going to steal it from her

I used to think that ‘Gun point’ and ‘Knife point’ were real places. I’d see or hear media reports about things like; ‘man robbed at knife point’ and think ‘ooh, never want to go there, too much crime.’

ME: [bumps man]
MAN: [spills coffee] Say sorry
ME: No
MAN: Then I’ll see you in court
ME: [remembers I own a camouflage suit] You won’t

if I can survive this, I can survive anything

I was trying to throw out one of the 3 year old’s toys because he hadn’t touched it in a year.

Faced with the loss he suddenly decided his neglected toy was everything and he couldn’t live without it and totally lost his mind and…

ahh beans, he’s inherited my break up angst.

Living check to check is fine til you go from “Think I’ll treat myself to a $7 latte” to “Which kid do I sell to pay for these car repairs.”

[dog park]
Dog: omg I just found out I’m adopted
Other Dogs: [barking in shock]